Scarleteen

Hi!
I'm a queer girl, and a senior in high school. I know that romantic relationships should not be the focal point of a person's life, but never having had a crush and being 17 feels a bit weird. I know I'm not aromatic because I really want to be in a relationship! Has anyone else felt like this? Is it possible I'm just not recognizing crushes, and thinking I just want to be someones friend? Oh, high school...

I don't think it's weird at all. I never really crushed on anyone I met during my high school years, and even now as a junior in college, I can't say I'm crushing on anyone at the moment. I was attracted to people, but it wasn't anyone I wanted to be in a relationship with. I don't know if you've had similar experiences to that, but even if you didn't particularly find someone attractive that's fine, too. That doesn't take away from your sexuality; I honestly can't say I'm attracted to that many people but I'm still sure I experience sexual attraction. Certain people just catch our attention, and it's okay if you haven't met anyone who has. You might someday, but it isn't something to pressure yourself with. It will happen when the time is right. That may sound cheesy but I do believe it's true. As long as you don't feel like you're pushing yourself away from potential relationships I think it just means you haven't met anyone who's caught your eye yet. I know dating is big in high school but like you said it's not the focal point of anyone's life, and honestly not everyone in high school dates despite what it may seem like (I didn't). I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. If this was a friend you were talking to, would you say that it's "weird" that they don't like anyone? Probably not. Let yourself have some of that compassion and just see where life takes you. I'm sure if you keep your eyes open eventually you'll meet someone at the right time in both of your lives.
I know that was pretty long but I hope some of what I said helped

Hey ameliap

I have been there! I found it hard to relate to my friend's experiences of crushes in school because I just was not feeling those things, which made me feel a bit like the odd one out at times, but then I realised that it was only my own expectations that were making me feel strange. Having crushes and not having crushes are both totally fine.

For me, my first couple of relationships grew out of friendships where one day we both realised that we wanted to be together, but I wouldn't have called them crushes. In fact, it's only now in my 20's that I've started thinking ''I have a crush on...'', which I like because it's like a fun new feeling! I certainly didn't lose out by not having them back in school.

Probably if you feel like you just want to be someone's friend then if they're cool with that that's a great idea. Good friendships can be just as rewarding as any other kind of relationship and if we can't listen to our own thoughts and feelings what can we listen to? What do you think?

The lines between physical appeal and emotional affection were quite blurry until around the time I finished middle school. So I had some crushes but only from a few second to a few weeks.

I guess I would consider my first crushes the two intense "teacher crushes" I had at middle school age. One was on an actual teacher, and one was on a family friend my family stayed with on vacation, but I refer to both as teacher crushes because they were on people significantly older than me and at no point did I think of doing anything sexual with them, being in a relationship with them, etc. I just thought they were really cool and wanted to impress them, wrote about them in my journal a lot sometimes in a romanticized way ("his eyes glowed bright blue in the duskiness of the room as he told my class he cares about us"), and in the case of the family friend wrote to him and talked on the phone with him a lot.

Then I had a handful of crushes in high school, but most were on guys older than me who impressed me (one was a stage manager when I was on stage crew, one was known for his computer skills and got to leave his class to help my grandparents set up a presentation to my Spanish class), so again, I never really thought about dating them or kissing them, I just wanted them to notice me.

I didn't have a crush I wanted to do something about until senior year of high school, never had a boyfriend in high school, and even if I had (in other words, if the guy I wanted to date said yes) it wouldn't have been until January my senior year.
In high school we're around the same finite amount of people for a long time, so you might just not find any of those people "crushable", but a bit later in life once you're meeting more people find some of them "crushable". And even if you never get crushes that doesn't mean you're doomed to no romantic relationships: my first relationship started because a friend introduced us, and my second and current started because he had a crush on me!

I also wonder if maybe the way you feel attracted to people doesn't actually manifest as a 'crush'...

Like a crush seems to describe ruminating on your feelings towards someone. And while it happens and can be pretty harmless, it doesn't have to be a defining feature or something you need.

Thinking back, especially to my early teens and preteen years, most of my crushes were just people who I found cute but I romanticised them to massive proportions and it was, in hindsight, a bit much and something of an escapism from things I was unhappy about in my life. That can really just objectify the other person, and would not have been a good thing if it had turned into a relationship, because it was all about me. Oh the cringes I'm having right now! Soooooo... I don't think not-having that sort of crush is a bad thing!

It's totally cool to just see how things go for you... It sounds like you are attuned to yourself enough to ponder on what it means to have crushes and really that self-awareness plus a few other components; comminucation, kindness, access to what you need, are the things that will carry you through to a positive future sex life.