Scarleteen

So, my friend made a deal with me, I pay for her and my ticket, and she'll do my makeup, hair and lend me a dress and heels. I have more than enough money, but I need an excuse as to why I'm paying for her ticket.

Hey KittyPink,

Sounds like a great swap!

Who do you need the excuse for? And any ideas coming to mind for what that excuse might be?

A friend who definitely isn't my date, but is going to the dance, my grandmother might bring up a question as to why I'm paying for her ticket.

Because she's your friend who needs help buying a ticket so she can go, you are being a friend and giving it to her?

Isn't that the truth of the situation, anyway?

Yeah, the thing is though, I worked for the money and I'm unemployed right now. So, she feels I shouldn't buy things for my friends and I should save the money.

Right, but you get to disagree with that and still do what you want with your money. Coming up with a lie to try and avoid just saying, "I know you feel that way, but this is how I like to spend my money," just seems senseless, you know?

I get that there is so much conflict at home you probably want to avoid it as much as you can, but sometimes making things better with conflict in any relationship can involve just letting disagreements be disagreements and gently standing your ground with things that aren't highly loaded, like, say, buying your friend a homecoming ticket. Know what I mean?

(As a side note, I'm so delighted for you that you get to go to a dance presenting the way you want to, and with the support of your friend! That's awesome. )

Heather wrote:Right, but you get to disagree with that and still do what you want with your money. Coming up with a lie to try and avoid just saying, "I know you feel that way, but this is how I like to spend my money," just seems senseless, you know?

I get that there is so much conflict at home you probably want to avoid it as much as you can, but sometimes making things better with conflict in any relationship can involve just letting disagreements be disagreements and gently standing your ground with things that aren't highly loaded, like, say, buying your friend a homecoming ticket. Know what I mean?

(As a side note, I'm so delighted for you that you get to go to a dance presenting the way you want to, and with the support of your friend! That's awesome. )

I was almost considering telling my grandmother not to even bother buying clothes when I tell her I'm going.

Not sure what you mean by that?

My grandmother will think I'm not going as a girl, and that she needs to buy me clothes for Homecoming. So, I'm considering telling her I'm wearing a dress to Homecoming.

Oh, I understand.

Last you and I spoke about anything like this, we'd agreed that it felt most beneficial with you to give up for now on any hope your grandmother would act differently (she likely still won't), and to try to avoid exchanges with her that usually just result in her responses making you feel bad.

Are you feeling different about that now? If so, and this is something you want to do -- including whatever risks it may involve for you -- can you maybe also ask this same friend if she can be there for you with some extra support around this?

Heather wrote:Oh, I understand.

Last you and I spoke about anything like this, we'd agreed that it felt most beneficial with you to give up for now on any hope your grandmother would act differently (she likely still won't), and to try to avoid exchanges with her that usually just result in her responses making you feel bad.

Are you feeling different about that now? If so, and this is something you want to do -- including whatever risks it may involve for you -- can you maybe also ask this same friend if she can be there for you with some extra support around this?

Still feel the same way, kinda. Also, it's mainly so my grandmother's not wasting money and so she knows incase someone slips and my aunt or someone finds out and tells her.

Ok so it sounds like you still think it isn't best to bring up your gender identity/presentation with your grandmother, but you also don't want her to waste her money.

Could you let her know that a friend is lending you clothes, so no need to buy anything? That is true. And you could not specify that those clothes are a dress and heels?

(Also, I want to second what Heather said before: so happy to hear that you are going to a dance in the clothing that affirms your gender. Plus getting ready with a friend!)

I'm concerned she'll ask if I don't specify. And might not let me go if I do tell the truth.

What if you went with a strategy of not giving her any information unless she explicitly asks for it, and if does ask giving her a truthful (if vague) reply? In other words, maybe there's a way to cut down how much conversation you and she have about this to the barest minimum to avoid an issue.

Well, I told my grandmother I might be going, and she nastily presumed I'm going in a dress, in which I lied and said no to.

It sounds like she responded at least a little bit how you were anticipating (by being unkind, which sucks) but that she's not going to stop you from going, which seems like a good outcome overall.

My friend brought up a good point, I need to stop being scared and be serious and draw the line with my family about who I am and how they need to accept that. And that I should tell my grandmother this is how it is. I'm really for that except I'm concerned that I might not be safe to do that, and that I'm also being rude and selfish for doing so. What do you folks think?

I think that if you're concerned that it would not be safe to go that route to hold off on it for the time being. Your friend is right that in many circumstances setting that boundary would be the best move, but right now it sounds like doing so is a risk you're not in a position to take.

If your safety is in question hold off. In terms of the idea of it being selfish i disagree. Being honest about yourself is not a selfish act.

Well, I ran into an issues and had to tell her anyway... Didn't go so well... Think I might be on to something, maybe, though. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the ticket, though.

Hey KittyPink,

Can you elaborate a little? I'm not sure I totally understand.

So, My grandmother is back to threatening to give up custody of me, and also why I had to tell her is because I had to confirm I was actually going to Homecoming. She Appearantly doesn't want me going in a dress for my safety, but I think it has something to do with me "not breaking " my mother's rules, but it apparently I find it "okay" to break my grandmother's. (I've only ever broke rules relating to gender stuff.)

How would you like us to help you with this?

Heather wrote:How would you like us to help you with this?

I'm really not sure, I'm considering going anyway without permission and facing any consequences as a result. On the down side, I'm losing the phone she gave me again. (Not much of a surprise there, though.) Just emotional support I guess would help.

Got it. This sounds like a really stressful and frustrating situation for you, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it right now. It's hard when the person who is supposed to be caring for you is holding various threats over your head. Are you also asking your friends for support around this, so that you have people nearby you who you can confide in?

You mention facing consequences for not going. Am I right in assuming that those are the same consequences she's already threatening (like relinquishing custody)?