Scarleteen

I am completely lost identity-wise. What seemed otherwise straight-forward a few months ago has now devolved into awful, hormone-fuelled chaos.

Here's the sitch, I identified as asexual for a quite some time and I was comfortable with that. Then I started identifying as aromantic on top of that, which I questioned from time to time, but was overall comfy with. I'd even come out to a few people.

But then, GENDER STRUCK. I knew I wasn't cisgender or female, I just didn't know what I was. I was identifying as genderqueer for a little while, I even told my mom. Suddenly, oh goodness I wanted to be a guy. Every cell in my body felt like it was begging to be male (if that makes sense?), and that went on for about a little over half a year. I came out again to my parents and very close friends.

And now I'm questioning every part of my identity. I'm pretty sure I'm some sort of non-binary, but I'm perfectly fine presenting as female now, whereas it ACHED only a few months ago. So, I've got that down. But then, there's the whole sexuality thing. I'm pretty sure I'm still asexual, however being a teenager I do get uber-horny, which makes me doubt being ace. Romantically? I'm completely confused. I do like girls and boys and whoever else, and I'd gladly make-out with someone and deal with the whole relationship thing, but when I look at actual people I see day to day... I'm not so sure. I can imagine being romantically attracted in my head, but in real life, I can't see it happening. Same thing with sex (however the details get a little blurrier).

I wish someone could just tell my what my identity is, because this whole questioning process is pretty tedious.

Thanks,
note2note

Hi note2note,

That's a pretty common wish, especially when you've got so many ideas and feelings colliding with each other in your head. Since it sounds like you've done some research on different identities, have you ever run across discussions of demisexuality? Some of the definitions of that orientation seem to overlap at least a little with what you're describing.

Beyond that, keep in mind that it's okay to not have this all sorted out right now. You're relatively young, so you're still gathering data on how you feel about people romantically and sexually. That's not to say that people can't have a crystal clear picture of their identity at your age, but more to say that you may get more information in the next few years that helps you clarify what identity feels right to you. For example, it seems like you're into the idea of a romantic relationships and right now nothing in the real world feels like it matches the feeling in your head. But it may happen that in a few years a person or situation comes along who does make you want to be in a relationship with them (or you may get more and more data that says dating is not for you). Does that make sense?

I guess demisexuality ligns up? I've had some friends and people close to me vehemently deny that it's a real identity, so I'm not really sure how to feel.

I just wish I could feel normal? Like a regular person who can fall in love and have sex without any doubts about whether they feel those same feelings.

I feel like I'd be a lonely old cat lady if I wasn't interested in relationships of any kind.

There are some people who don't view demisexuality as a valid identity, but the same could be said of plenty of other sexual orientations and genders. If that's the label that helps you make sense of things right now, you get to use it.

That's a pretty common feeling for people who are experiencing difficult or hard-to-pin-down feelings about their identity. It may help to remember two things: first, there's no "normal" when it comes to sex and relationships. There are things that are more common than others, or more socially encouraged, but that doesn't mean that the less common experiences with sex, gender, and relationships are bad. Second, it may be that those feelings are in your future but you've yet to meet someone who sparks them in you. When you say in your first post that you can experience them in your head but it doesn't feel like you can experience them in the real world, what makes you feel that they won't work in the real world?

There are lots of people, be they folks who are asexual or people who simply prefer being single, who have happy lives and lots of fulfilling relationships. Those relationships are with family members and friends rather than romantic or sexual partners, which means someone isn't doomed to loneliness if they don't get romantically involved. Does that make sense?