Scarleteen

Hi, so I've recently started dating a new guy. He is a wheelchair user and this is the first time I have dated someone who is physically disabled (I'm able-bodied). I really like him, but sometimes when we're in public, holding hands or kissing where we're obviously a couple, I feel worried about what people think and if they are staring at us. I know these thoughts are ableist and wrong, but they're involuntary. I don't want him to know that I feel that way since it's not his fault that I get uncomfortable and I try to push those thoughts to the side. It's a very new relationship though so maybe the thoughts will go away with time? Anyway just wondering if you have any suggestions, thank you.

Hi,

I'm sorry you feel that way, but being aware of your thoughts and biases is a good step to overcoming them. Ableism is embodied in our society so it is going to take some time to undo that. And unfortunately people do stare at disabled people sometimes, so your fears may not be completely unfounded. But since this is about you feeling comfortable in your relationship, even if people aren't staring it won't matter since you care about your partner and anyone who judges you isn't worth your time. It might help to think about what exactly you're worried about that people will think of your relationship. And if you don't know exactly what that is yet, take some time to think about it. I know it's cliche to say knowing is half the battle, but that really is true. Once you figure out what's bothering you it will be much easier to find solutions.

I think thewrit3r's advice here is really solid. Would you like to do some of that unpacking here with us, Introvert?

For what it's worth, I think that while it's obviously very uncomfortable and unsettling to realise that we're having thoughts and feelings that are connected to some kind of general-society prejudice, we're ultimately not doing ourselves or society any favours by trying to push it down and ignore it. If we're up for improving ourselves, for maybe being a small part of the general-society solution rather than the problem, the way of starting out with that is by shining some sunlight on the prejudices and how they might be affecting us and our own thoughts. It's very difficult to challenge or change thoughts or ideas that we're trying to ignore.

I definitely think that you are being fair and considerate of your date by not sharing this with him at this stage. When we're not personally affected by a particular kind of prejudice, it's much much kinder and more balanced to do some of our own thinking and thought-wrestling first, without laying it on someone who is personally affected and therefore doesn't get a choice about opting in or out of dealing with it at any particular point. (If and when we get to a point where we're got some of a handle on our own stuff, at that point it's often very beneficial to see if the other person is up for talking about their own perspectives, and then talk about how both might deal with things as a team.)