Scarleteen

I recently realized that I'm a lesbian, and I have a lot of internalized homophobia. I don't know why, because everyone in my life is pretty accepting.

"Trigger" doesn't feel like an accurate word because I've never experienced trauma, but I don't know what to call this. When I first started to realize I might be gay, I panicked. I would force myself to masturbate to images of men in order to convince myself that I could be aroused by them. I don't do this anymore, but now I'm unable to masturbate at all. Touching myself instantly brings back all the self hatred and fear I felt then, even if I feel good when I start.

I read an article here about triggers, and I've developed some useful thought techniques that can stop me from freaking out long enough to start masturbating. But when I start to feel physical pleasure, it distracts me too much to focus on a mantra. The negative feelings immediately rush back and I have to yank my hand away. This is incredibly frustrating. How can I work on overcoming it and being able to masturbate?

Hi there Reader, and welcome to Scarleteen!

First of all, I want to say that I'm really glad that you've been able to do the work that you've already done in terms of recognizing where those thoughts of self-hatred come in and trying to interrupting them. Those first steps can be some of the hardest ones when it comes to working through internalized guilt and shame. (Which, I might add, could have been picked up anywhere outside your doorstep, even if your friends and family haven't been outwardly homophobic around you. There's a whole lot of hatred and prejudice out there for marginalized folks who don't fit the majority of white/straight/cis/middle class/christian/etc.)

Okay, so the next thing that I wanted to mention is that homophobia, internalized shame, and self-hatred are really, really hard things to unlearn.. more like a lifelong process. (I work hard at it every day!) There might always be people in the world that try to make us feel bad about ourselves, but with time we grow stronger and more confident, especially when we can find support from others. If you haven't read it already, you should check out Undoing Sexual Shame, because it talks about some different tactics that are helpful in the unlearning/learning process, especially when it comes to stuff that has to do with your own sexuality. But you've already done some of the really hard work of recognizing how those thoughts were hurting you, and deciding that you wanted to make yourself feel good instead. And that's awesome.

A couple of practical, problem-solving-type suggestions - have you ever tried shaking up the process of masturbation a little bit so that it feels different? Such as: reading an erotic story rather than watching porn, using a vibrator rather than your hands, etc? It's possible that a change of environment or type of stimulation could make a difference in how you relate to your body in that moment.
Another thought - have you considered talking to someone else about these feelings you had towards yourself when you were younger? I know the idea of talking about masturbation might feel intimidating, but it might be helpful to talk through some of these feelings and memories of self-hatred with a friendly and sympathetic ear (whether that be a family member, a friend, a counselor, etc.)

A quick sidenote: the noun form of "trigger" is often used among survivors of sexual assault to describe memories/sensations/events that may cause trauma-induced flashbacks, panic attacks, or dissociation, but the verb form of "trigger" can be used linguistically to describe all sorts of things that directly cause other things (i.e. triggering a chain of events), so in that way, it does apply!

Thanks for your suggestions! I’ll definitely try those.

Of course! Any considerations about talking to others about how you're feeling? Do you have friends or family members that you feel comfortable talking about your sexual identity with?

Yes, I’m comfortable with my mom and I have briefly talked about this with her, and more in depth about the non-masturbation related internalized homophobia. She’s sympathetic. She just doesn’t really have advice, which is why I came here.

Slightly off topic, but I also react very strongly to anyone experiencing homophobia or stress about being gay in movies or books. Last night I saw a show where a character described being outed, and I started shaking and crying.

So when talking to my parents, I feel overdramatic trying to express the intensity of my emotions. I also have a mental illness (OCD), and my problems in this regard feel at least as severe as that. Something I find very helpful in coping with OCD is reminding myself that I feel the way I do because of a mental illness, not any personality flaw. But now that I don’t have an illness to blame, I’m ashamed of my mind for overreacting to things.

You know, I want to add in that I think a strong reaction to homophobia is often warranted, just like strong reactions to say, racism or misogyny. After all, bigotry and bias are really destructive and deeply hurtful. They're not minor or benign things.

That's all the more true when you're any kind of queer, and all the more so on top of that when you are struggling with how institutional homophobia has sunk into your own head and heart and is creating struggles for you, as it has been.

I don't see any reason for shame, nor do I see that how you feel about this is something sound to necessarily link to your OCD. You may simply feel strongly awful about this because the thing itself is strongly awful, you know?

Yes, I don’t think this has to do with my OCD at all (although my mom does). I just feel less overdramatic when I struggle with OCD because it’s a diagnosed illness. Although you make a good point that homophobia is also just a really bad thing. Thanks.

Hi, Reader! I wanted to pop in with a few thoughts about the internalised homophobia you mentioned.

For anything about us that's often treated negatively or dismissively by the general world, it's really really common to internalise some of that negativity, even if our own personal circles are okay or positive. In fact, I'd say it's impossible not to absorb at least some parts of the general negativity. So, in that sense, what you're experiencing with internalised homophobia is (sadly) very normal and unsurprising. Even when our own personal circles are alright, that general-world crap, it really gets into all of the cracks and gets to us, you know?

You said that people in your life are pretty accepting (which is great!); you didn't mention having any lesbian/gay or otherwise queer folk in your life. So I wonder, how much contact with or experience of other lesbian/queer folk do you have? As your self-recognition is fairly recent, it wouldn't be unusual for you to not yet have much other queer connections or influences in your life.

It's not a one-time quick fix - although for sure, sometimes an hour of reading can be life-changing! - but over time, building some kind of access to other people who aren't just accepting, but are living the thing, who sometimes actively love and celebrate who and what they are, can make a massive difference to how we feel about ourself. While there's no inoculation against homophobia, exposing ourselves to strong positive and celebratory messages can help give us new perspectives, tools to fight and deal with the homophobia, and some cushioning from the worst of it.

Might you be interested in connecting more with other lesbian/queer women or culture? If so, do you have a sense of how you might like to do that? For example, you might want to try to meet some people in your area, or get to know some people online, or spend time online in lesbian/queer spaces, or choose more screen or print media with good lesbian/queer representation, or... ?

There are a lot of people out at my school, so I do interact with other LGBT people. Mostly gay males, though. I think the gay straight alliance is starting up next month, so I should probably go to that. I'm just nervous about it.

I do read some lesbian fiction, but not as often as I would like because I have to check everything to see if the characters experience homophobia so that I can prepare myself. It's a lot more work than reading mainstream fiction.

Hi Reader,

I'm jumping back in here with a few thoughts!
I'm glad to hear that they're starting up a GSA at your school. It may take a little bit (a few weekly meetings, etc) for it to really be established and for folks to regularly attend.
Assuming that that goes well, what aspects of the prospect of attending the meeting make you feel nervous? Do you have any friends (queer or not) that might be able to attend with you (and would that help)?

It sounds like you like to read a lot - have you ever read any queer non-fiction? Boston Public Library put out a list of LGBTQ books this summer that breaks them down by category, age, and gives short descriptions. You may still need to do a little research to prepare yourself for the content, but you might find some things in there that you like and could enjoy a little bit more easily!

A lot of my nerves just stem from high school drama I have with the people who might attend, but these concerns are exaggerated because I know I won't be able to handle social interactions as well when I'm thinking about LGBT issues.

Thanks for the book list!

Hi Reader,

Can I ask what you mean when you say it's harder to handle social interactions when thinking about LGBT issues? Is it that you feel like you won't be able to devote the brain energy to managing social interactions when talking about issues that are important to you, or something else?

Yes, it is that I don’t feel like I have the brain energy. When I am reminded of homosexuality in any way, I get into this state where all I can think about is that I’m gay. It’s the same thing that happens when I masturbate, except at GSA the feelings being triggered are more neutral than negative.

Got it. It's certainly not weird to be thinking about how you're gay while attending a GSA, but it almost sounds like that thought turns your brain inwards and makes it hard to interact with others. Have you ever found ways to bring yourself out of that headspace, or shift your focus even a little bit? For instance, if someone is talking and your brain starts doing this, are you able to move your focus to what the person is saying?

Yes, my brain turning inwards is a good way of describing it. And so far, I haven't been successful in pulling myself out of it.

But I wanted to thank all of you for your help, because I was able to masturbate to orgasm yesterday. A change in position was very effective in keeping my brain away from the negative thoughts.

Glad you were able to find a position that helped you out!

With the turning inwards, a way to learn how to pull yourself back out is to work with a therapist or counselor to learn techniques to do just that. Some people also use grounding or mindfulness exercises to teach themselves how to pull their focus back outwards (it's worth noting that turning inwards isn't inherently bad, and that some people use it as a defensive mechanism or a way to try and tune out things like homophobia. But it sounds like you're looking to do it a little less).

I would definitely like to see a therapist, but I can’t find any in my area that say upfront that they’re LGBT positive. I wouldn’t feel comfort talking to a therapist I wasn’t sure was accepting.

Would you feel comfortable calling or otherwise contacting some therapists to ask directly? Even if they don't advertise it openly on a practice website, they might be able to specifically say "yes, I am LGBT positive" or even "I haven't treated many LGBT patients but I want to be welcoming," which you may or may not feel ok with. (I had to help educate a therapist on trans issues, for example, and while it wasn't an ideal situation she did want to do right by me and was a positive person to work with overall.)

Not really, but my mom would probably be willing to do that. I'll talk to her about it.