Scarleteen

Hey!

So... a long time ago, before I knew any better, I made a promise to stay abstinent before marriage. And I held onto that for a very long time. Intercourse was sacred, and I wasn't going to break the Bible's code of conduct.

Skip ahead to age twenty. No longer a Christian, still a God-lover, and insanely in love with a boy. Dating for seven/eight months now, and have done just about everything but intercourse... (Including butt intercourse. Lots of manual sex tho. Lots...)

My long winded question/problem is: I want to have intercourse with him!! I do!!! I know thanks to this site virginity is subjective and that sex is awesome and okay before you're married. I really love him and I wanna share this experience with him. But I'm super scared. I have birth control stuck in my arm (implant) so that's not an issue it's just... me overthinking and freaking myself out...

Sorry this is long. Maybe I needed to rant. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks so much for this site, it's literally amazing!!!

Why don't we talk about what you feel scared of: just pregnancy (though I do hope safer sex is in the mix, too!) or other things as well?

That's the thing... I don't know what I'm scared of.

I took the plunge last night. At first it was awkward, cuz we were both too nervous to be fully aroused. I didn't hurt--it was just kinda uncomfortable. Didn't last longer than a minute. This morning we tried again and it was better: we went at it longer and it even felt good. And we talked about it and cuddled afterward and everything.

My problem is that as soon as we parted I just started crying like crazy. I held it in till I got back to my room, and then I cried so hard my chest hurt. And I can't pinpoint why. To be clear, I'm NOT scared of pregnancy. I got the implant and he was wearing a condom. I trust him and it's a good relationship, so that's not an issue to me at all.

Also, sex was always a very gradual, slow thing between us. We took our time getting naked in front of each other--one piece of clothing at a time. And I freaked out for a few milestones--first time seeing him naked, first time manual, first oral, etc.--but he's always been patient and let me go at my pace, even though he's totally new to all kinds of sex, too.

I had a really bad sex education growing up, but these past few years--even before I met him--I've done a lot of research and getting to know my body. I was pretty ready for intercourse not being jaw-dropping. I did research on all birth control methods. I knew that if anything hurt I wasn't aroused and should stop. But sometimes the things I learned growing up haunt me unexpectedly. Telling me I've "lost" something, even though I really already know better. Telling me I'm going to be worth less to the next person... Telling me I've gone back on a promise I made to myself before I knew any better.

I know this is long. I'm sorry. These feelings are just now coming up on me, so maybe I'm just trying to process it by writing it all down. Thanks for this website again. I don't know if this'll mean anything to you, but you're doing the Lord's work. Thank you again.

Hey OhHeckDatGurl,

Thanks for your kind words about Scarleteen!

I am so happy to hear that you are in a trusting, communicative relationship. And hats off to you for all the education you have sought out for yourself around bodies & sex & birth control, as well as all the work you have done on your journey in deciding what feels right *to you.* It can be so hard to separate that out from what others (whether family, religion, culture etc.) have told us is right.

I want to pass along two great articles we have here on Scarleteen about "the maze of sexuality and spirituality and how they connect" (that quote is from It's Between God and Me). These pieces talk about sexual shame and guilt, specifically in regards to religion.
It's Between God and Me: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/in_yo ... god_and_me
Undoing Sexual Shame: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... xual_shame
I'm wondering after you've had a read through those, what resonates with you?

Lastly, I just want to say that these sort of changes take time. You gave some examples of lessons you were taught about sex when you were younger--that you have somehow "lost" something by having this type of sex, that you have broken a promise to yourself, that you are somehow less worthy...Letting go of those sorts of messages is a hard (though doable!) task. It is commendable how much work you have done in this area, but it will take time. So please be gentle and patient with yourself