Stress of becoming a young mum!

[Itsme]

Hi, i'm 18 and 40weeks pregnant! My due date was yesterday but still no signs of my little one arriving!
Okay so my boyfriend (now ex) and i had been together 3 years when i found out i was pregnant, he never wanted the baby and i have always wanted kids so knew that i would keep the baby! As the pregnancy went on we argued lots, i thought he wasn't supportive enough and he thought i was talking about the baby too much. About 4 months in to the pregnancy, i broke up with him as i was fed up of him choosing to go drinking and being with his friends more than me! Although after 2 days i wanted him back and we got back together! So we were good again to start off with but then started fighting again and i didn't feel happy with how he was during the pregnancy (before he was an amazing kind boyfriend!) so i broke up with him about 6 months in to the pregnancy. We were still trying to be friends for the baby, and at first it worked we were trying to go on dates to see if we would work, but he hadn't changed and would only make an hour of his time to see me. Then we started arguing again! Although as i was pregnant and crazy hormonal a few weeks after i asked to meet to talk about things and he claimed he didn't love me anymore and too much had been said and done! I was completely heart broken because even though he hurt me, i loved him like crazy! Now he messages my mum occasionally to check how i am and the pregnancy (because i asked him to let me move on, so not to message me)! Although it's been 2/3 months and i'm still crying at night because i miss him so so much! I have decided to have him at the birth, but in the waiting room. I'm so nervous to see him after the baby is born, because i still love him and i know i'll cry and say how much i want him back. When he'll probably still have no feelings for me, and say he doesn't love me! I don't know if i can hear him say it again! After 3 and a half years he says he just feels nothing anymore:/ aswell as all this, i am 40 weeks pregnant and now struggling at the fact i am going to become a mum. I'm so scared i may not cope! I have such a supportive family and friends but everything is just getting way too much for me, i'm scared i'm becoming depressed. (I have been depressed before) i just don't know what to do... i love my ex so much, i know he was hurtful but maybe i didn'5 understand how scared he was about it all. I do know i'll love this baby, i am just scared how everything will work out!
Please reply, need lots of advice!

[Itsme]

Forgot to mention, he was my first love and he was my first everything as i was with him! He hasn't moved on (as i know of)... do you think once he holds his child and gets used to being a dad, he'll realise he still loves me or am i wishful thinking? He did say to me months ago that he can't say that we will never get back together... he also tried to kiss me and have sex with me when we had broken up (after he told me he didn't love me) he said that he just got caught up in the moment! Am i just wishful thinking he still does love me deep down or is he over me like he says? Btw i said no to sex and kissing because i knew it would have hurt me!

[Sam W]

Hi Itsme,

This all sounds incredibly stressful, and I'm glad to hear you have good family and friend supports in place.

I guess my first question is: have you and your ex sat down and fully talked out the role he will be having in your child's life? If so, what does that role look like?

As for whether or not there's still a chance, that's something only he can know. And from his behavior and words, it doesn't sound like he wants to be in your life as a romantic partner, though that doesn't mean he won't co-parent with you (although his attempt to try and sleep with you after telling you he has no feelings for you does not impress me). So for now I'd advise taking those actions as they are and trying to make peace with the idea that you and he do not have a romantic relationship and likely will not have one again.

With the stress of being a new parent, can you tell me a little more about the plan you have set up for when the baby comes? Who is going to support you and the child and in what ways? And do you have some plans in place for taking care of your own mental health?

[Itsme]

Yes, we have discussed that as long as he proves he is a good dad, that he can have a father role to our child. He works full time, so i said we will discuss how much access he will have after the baby is born. As i am breastfeeding, he will not be able to have him overnight for a while. So we haven't made any definite arrangements yet as i don't want to just assume he'll be a good dad.
Yes i'm trying my hardest to accept it, do you have any advice on how to move on? It has only been 2/3 months since we split but i want to be strong for my baby when he arrives and not just be sad all the time!
When the baby arrives, my mum will be in the labour suite with me and she will be almost like my partner. I'll still be living with my parents so they can support me! I have a lot of money saved and my parents will always help me if i'm struggling. I don't know about the dad yet.
With my mental health, my mum wanted me to get help now but i have decided to wait until the baby is here and see how i cope then... as there is only a few days left of my pregnancy.

[Sam W]

Glad to hear you have so many supports

With moving on, my honest suggestion at this point is to focus most of your energy on taking care of yourself and getting ready to take care of your child (and then taking care of them when they come). You might also find it helpful to focus on maintaining and nurturing the relationships you have with the people who support you (family and friends). In other words, for the time being try to limit how much mental energy you expend thinking about your ex and put that energy towards your other relationships and your relationship with yourself.

Since your mom supports you in getting mental health support, have you and she worked together to come up with a plan for what to do and who to go to should you need it post-pregnancy? Because it might be helpful to have that plan in place before any mental health issues have a chance to flare up. Sometimes it's better to have a plan and not need to use it than to need it and have to scramble to come up with it.

[Itsme]

Okay i will try my hardest to do that! It's just very hard when the baby isn't here yet and where i'm so pregnant, i don't do that much! I have a lot of time to think about my ex unfortunately! Yes we have, we will speak to my health visitor who will come to my house after the baby is born, who will help me with whatever extra help she thinks i need!
Thank you so much for the advice, hopefully it all works out okay!

[Sam W]

You're welcome! In the meantime, it sounds like some self-care could help you with taking your mind of him (and might help you feel better in general). You can find a ton of ideas for that here:Self-Care a La Carte