How to deal with the regret of losing my virginity?

[CornSurprise420]

Hi, i would like to get advice. A couple months ago I lost my virginity to my current boyfriend. I really love my boyfriend but i can't help but feel regret that i lost it to him because i was a virgin at the time and he wasnt. I feel sad that i will never have a special connection with someone like he and his ex did because they both lost their virginities to eachother. I feel so shallow for fixating on his sexual past but I don't know what to do. I will always feel dirty and like I'm just second best, and I would like advice on how i can stop these feelings.

[al]

Hi there CornSurpise,

Just letting you know that I saw this! Working on a response right now.

[al]

Hi CornSurprise,

Thanks for your patience and for your post! There were a couple of thoughts that I had that I wanted to reflect back to you:
First of all - have you talked to your boyfriend about this at all? Has he said anything about virginity (either his, his ex's, or yours) that contributed to this feeling of "second best"?

Secondly, I just wanted to take a second to say that you're not dirty, and you're not second best. You're beautiful and unique and important, and the number of times that you've had sex (and the number of times your partner has had sex) have nothing to do with that. Whether or not someone has told you, or it's something that you perceive about yourself, the concept of virginity is often used to make people feel like they're worthless or should be ashamed of themselves. And my hope is that your partner (and anyone else in your life!) would love you exactly as you are, regardless of what you've experienced (or not).

Another thought- the definition of "losing your virginity" varies so much from person to person, and the quality of their experience varies even more. Some people had really great experiences and feel like they really connected with the first person they had sex with. Other people (like me!) didn't have an awful first time, but it certainly wasn't as pleasurable or enjoyable as it could have (and should have!) been. But at its core, "the first time" can be simply the first time that someone decides to engage in a sexual activity with someone else, without anything that inherently makes it more special or magical.

The concept of virginity is often put on a pedestal, and that has a lot of historical context -the article Magical Cups and Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context helps explain some of why we think about virginity the way we do today. It may be helpful to look over a little bit - otherwise I'm looking forward to hearing more about what you're feeling.