Scarleteen

Recently, I sat down with my girlfriend and I told her I felt like I may be polyamorous. That I had googled and read a few articles and there were lots of things there that I agreed with and identified with and there were things that I didn't. She understood completely, though frightened and a bit worried wanted me to be happy and has also dug into it but have gotten no real traction on what to do about my feeling.

Since this is my first time venturing away from monogamy, can anyone tell me what they did, what their first time discovering this was like, and how they worked through it? Where's the best place to go to really get a better understanding? Do I need to find someone who has been and grab a coffee with them and discuss or just dip my toe in and see what the waters like? I'm scared of either but want to explore more and get to an understanding of who I am. Because I feel like i may be, and if so I want to go about this in the safest and right ways possible. Thanks

Hi tyconfusious,

I can't speak from personal experience about being poly, but I did want to send this series your way in case you haven't seen it. It's our guide to polyamory for people who are new to the idea and curious about exploring it: A First Polyamory Guide

With your girlfriend, have you and she discussed if you'll stay together if you decide to pursue polyamory? Or do you sense that, while she wants you to be happy, she herself is not interested in or comfortable with a polyamorous relationship?

Hi Sam,

Thank you I will that a read shortly, as for my girlfriend we both agreed and decided we would stay together while I explore this. Although she's a bit uncomfortable with the idea right now she wants us to keep looking into it and try and get a good understanding before we dive into anything officially, because she said she's open to the idea and so that's what I'm trying to do. She's very supportive of it and understanding. She is also trying to figure somethings out about herself because she's bicurious.

Hi tyconfusious!

I'm really interested to hear what you think about the Polyamoury article!

I think what was helpful for me in a similar situation a few years ago was treating my relationship decisions and my orientation/identity stuff as separate things that don't have to be in sync.

So when I finally decided to talk to my partner about how I think I would eventually like to be in a non-monogamous relationship. Wasn't the same as saying "I want this relationship, now, to be open"... for me at that time, I just wanted it to be something we were comfortable talking about, and that meant I could hear from my partner what scared her and I could talk about what scared me.

The main thing she thought was that by getting with other people I would start to like them, and like her less... We were able to spend time actually talking about what it *would be like*, and my fears that I would come accross as a 'player', taking advantage of people.

So over a few months we had a better idea of how we would deal with different issues and then opening up didn't feel like a big deal. And giving ourselves permission to think about it and talk about it meant that eventually she came to me and was like "You know what, I think I want to open it up"...

Obviously that's not how it will work for everyone, but even if it's something she's not into... being able to talk about what you're thinking will make it easier to move towards whatever the best next stages are for both of you.