Scarleteen

Hi again,

Now that I finally got an account I can ask all of the questions I never got a chance to! (Not too many, promise)

Ok, so to recap:

Name- Genie
20 years old (College Fresh(wo)man- yay!)
Cis/Predominantly Hetero Female
Virgin (even though I know its a construct )
Have never been in a romantic relationship

My question is about hook-up/sex (in all forms) etiquette.

I have had 2 open heart surgeries in my life, leaving me with a foot long scar, in the middle of my chest, going from an inch below my collar bone to an inch below the end of my sternum. Its pink in some places, blends into my skin in others. I don't intentionally wear clothes to cover my scar. I just wear what I wear- sometimes its covered, sometimes its not. On most days, my scar is partially visible- however, the entire scar is never visible.

I have never been naked (in a sexual way) in front of another person before. My question is: Do you think I should tell anyone I plan on being naked (sexually) in front of about how big my scar actually is before the clothes come off? I am not self conscious AT ALL about my scar. Its part of me. Whether or not I tell a potential partner about the size of the scar, it doesn't matter, their reaction is totally on them. If they don't react well, that is not someone I want to be involved with. I would mainly tell just to be polite- a heads up, if you will.

What do you think? Does it matter? If it was you, would a heads up from a potential partner be nice?

Thanks,

Genie

Welcome to Scarleteen, Genie!

As someone with a big surgical scar myself, I can understand the impulse of wanting to talk about that with a partner, and being, if not apprehensive, definitely curious about their reaction. There really is not any sort of etiquette issue involved here: bodies have all sort of peculiarities that people have picked up over the course of their lifetime, from piercings to tattoos to scars of all kinds to stretchmarks, and more, and that is really just a fact of life and not something anyone needs to be 'warned' about. Someone who is not ready to accept that bodies show signs of being lived in, really, is probably not ready for sex. There is, however, the issue of your comfort involved. And if you feel most comfortable telling someone ahead of time about your scar, then you can go ahead and do that.

Hi, I agree with Johanna that if you'll feel more comfortable letting partners know ahead of time, you should do so. That said, just thinking through this now, if anybody were to say to me 'Hey, just as a warning/heads up, I have this huge scar..' I would be so shocked that they thought that was a thing that I need to be warned about that I would probably not know what to say, and thus maybe come across as disappointed or something. I hope not, and now of course I'm trying to think of an appropriate response so that I *won't* come across this way, but I did want to throw that out there. I think I would be shocked because 1) it's never occurred to me that things like scars (or stretchmarks, etc) need warnings, and 2) I have a reasonably large surgical scar myself, though not as big as yours. For me, that scar exists because of a condition that has very minor effects on my life, but those effects show up frequently enough that all my friends know pretty quickly what is what. I can't imagine being in a situation where I'd sleep with somebody and my scar wouldn't have come up in conversation already. Of course, I personally am not interested in casual sex and if I were, then I could see where I might sleep with somebody who didn't know about my scar. Anyway I think you should do what you want to do but also you should not feel pressured to give people a warning.

I'd agree that it's something you can do, but that it's not impolite or anything not to do it. I don't have any very visible scars myself, but I think, for me - when I'm getting naked with someone, I'm excited to experience their body, with all the odd lumps and bumps and scars and marks a person's body will tend to have, much like their personality will tend to have such oddities. And just like if I was getting to know someone and they told me they'd had open heart surgery, I might respond something like "Oh, wow - are you okay? That must have been scary" - I think I'd probably feel the same about seeing the evidence. So there might be a moment of "Oh, what's that?", but I wouldn't feel sprung upon or put off, and if your response was basically "Oh it's fine, let's move on" then that's exactly what I'd do.

Wow, thanks guys!

This was the kind of question where, deep down, I already knew the answer, I guess I was just looking for confirmation.

I totally get what you guys are saying! I guess I was just looking for the opinions of people who had already lived similar experiences.

Great point, Avocado Lime! How would I even begin to bring it up without making it an issue (because its not), and if I did, how could they react without seeming like its an issue?

Also, I am very open about the scar and the surgery- people ask me about it all of the time (especially now going to college). I tell them. So, its likely, someone I will be in this position (pun intended) with will already know.

Thanks everybody!!!!

Genie <3