Is there something wrong with me?

[Jxane_]

I am currently 17 years old and I got into my first serious relationship when I was 16. Me and my then boyfriend were so into eachother and everything was going perfect. Everything started going downhill because his insecurities and possessiveness got in the way. It was such an emotional roller coaster that it really ruined me and to this day it still does. I broke up with him when I knew he wasn't going to change and he's been begging me to take him back. It's been a year now since the break up. I've lost contact with him because he is just a roadblock in my life. After breaking up with him I've talked to many guys but only dated one guy. I'm now currently in a great relationship but the problem is that... I don't know how to have feelings anymore. It's like my ex took all emotions and feelings away from me. It's really disappointing considering how I've met so many nice sweet and caring guys who have had feelings for me but I can't reciprocate those feelings back. Why can't I feel anything such as feelings? I don't want this to happen to me forever I want to be able to have my heartbeat when I see my boyfriend, being able to be nervous around him but I just feel nothing. It's like I'm this doll with no emotions or feelings at all. The guy I'm with now is so great to me and treats me like a princess but I can't feel anything And no I don't have any type of feelings for my ex those have long vanished.

[Mo]

Hi Jxane, and welcome to Scarleteen.

First off, I want to ask: emotionally, are you able to connect with people, events, interests etc. in other aspects of your life right now? Or do you feel like you're not feeling much of anything in general?

[Jxane_]

Yes I am able to connect with events and interests but I've recently noticed that with friendships I'm not motivated to keep them anymore it's more of if we're friends we're friends if we're not anymore then we're not. As for relationships I just don't feel anything at all

[Mo]

Ok. I wanted to check because sometimes that sort of lack of connection can be related to depression, especially if it's extending to other parts of your life - and it sounds like potentially that could be the case as it's feeling harder to keep up with friends right now. Just something to keep in mind; if you start feeling like this lack of emotion is "spreading" to other areas it may be worth talking with a doctor or mental healthcare professional about how you're feeling.

Another question: were you excited about your current partner when you started dating? Have you felt nothing much for him the entire time, or did it start off differently?

[Jxane_]

Thank you I do think I may need to see a doctor but I wouldn't even know how to explain myself... And as for dating him I didn't feel anyway in the beginning even when I said yes to him asking me out it was just a whatever feeling. There are times when I get the butterfly feeling or my heart will skip a beat but that's really really rare. I don't want to feel like this forever it pains me a lot

[Sam W]

Hi Jxane,

If you choose to see a doctor or a mental healthcare provider about this issue, I think you could explain it to them the way you've explained it to us here: that you're finding it harder to maintain relationships and you're feeling more and more "meh" about things in your life. You could also tell them whether this change feels like it's tied to a specific event in your life or if it's been more a gradual change. Does that make sense?

Can I ask what your thought process was when you said yes to dating your current partner? If you didn't feel a strong emotional reaction to him asking you out, what lead you to accept his offer?

[Jxane_]

I was happy and surprised cause I haven't been a relationship since the last guy I broke up with which was last year. I felt like I said yes because I missed being with someone who could care and talk to me when I'm alone...

[Alice O]

Hey Jxane_,

This is going to be a bit long just a heads up! There was a lot I wanted to reply to

What I'm hearing is that you don't have feelings for your ex-boyfriend anymore. (Huge props for noticing his possessiveness and making the choice to end an unhealthy relationship!) That you have met many sweet and caring guys since then who have had feelings for you, but you have not had feelings for them. And that you realize you aren't having the feelings you would like to have for the person you are currently dating. That you said yes to dating him more because of your desire to be in a relationship again, and less because of a desire to be with him specifically. Does that sound right?

If so, I want to float the possibility that this isn't related to your ex. Rather, you just haven't had feelings for anyone you have met in the last year. And that is totally ok, and totally normal. It can be frustrating to have sweet and caring people be interested in you, and not be able to reciprocate (I resonate!). It can also be frustrating to have a partner who is really great to you, but you still don't have feelings for them. But these are both parts of life...Part of what makes liking someone so special, is that it doesn't happen all the time.

It is also possible that this is related to your ex, meaning that you are still doing some processing of what didn't feel good about that relationship and are not quite ready to be in another relationship. Even though it's something you really want. And that is totally ok and normal too!

Do either of these ideas resonate for you?

You have talked a few times about "forever." That you don't want to feel like this forever. That you don't want this to happen to you forever. And I am here to assure you that this is not forever. Often when we are in a feeling, it can feel like it will go on forever. But no feeling is forever! Everything changes, and this will too

Regarding your current relationship, it seems like it might be time to talk with your boyfriend, does that sound right? If so, what would you like to say to him? Is there any support you would like from us around that communication?

Final thing: you said that one of the main things you missed about being in a relationship was having someone who could care for you and talk to you when you're alone. I hear you! But I think times when you are not in a relationship are a great time to practice filling yourself up with that love and care. (This also makes us even better candidates for a relationship when someone special comes along.) Here is a lengthy list of some self-care ideas: Self-Care a La Carte. Do you see anything on here that you would want to do next time you are missing being in a relationship, feeling lonely, or wanting some care?