Body insecurity

[Maeve]

I know everybody is always saying the opposite but the thing is I'd like to have a nicer body for a guy. I'm cup size A, you can easily see my ribbs and I have like holes/a space where they ends. And then there is my tummy, that isn't flat. I don't like how it looks and in my head I think people thinks I must have a very nice torso because I'm skinny.

I met a guy on the internet (sadly he lives far away) who talks to me about lots of stuff and I do the same because I feel comfortable talking with him and everytime I say I don't like being flat chested he says I'm wrong because they must look very nice even being small. Not so long he told me he has (or had) a crush on me and how I liked him too I started to imagine how it could be to be with him and intimacy. I feel kinda in panic when I imagine how could he react. I don't think I'm attractive or anything so I was surprised he actually thinks I'm pretty and even once we was sexting.

He says guys doesn't pay attention to details during intimacy but it must be really akward to be naked thinking in all your flaws and insecurities. Probably I'll be virgin forever haha

[Siân]

Hi Maeve

I know that feeling, I used to worry about my appearance and my small breasts and not looking like the girls you see in magazines, which made the idea of being intimate with someone hard. My body hasn't changed since then, but how I feel about it has changed a lot.

It's hard when we don't like what we see, but accepting (even loving) our bodies as they are is definitely possible! A good place to start is to try catching yourself when you have negative thoughts about your body, and start looking for the things that you DO like. Does that sound possible? I also find it useful to do things that make me feel good in my body, so I can enjoy everything it's able to do. For me that's dancing (often alone in my room) and rock climbing, what about you?

You might like to check out these articles too:
Seven Ways to Love Your Body
The Scarleteen Do-It

Part of intimacy is being vulnerable and trusting our partner with that. I hear that like many people you have hangups about your body, and it takes a bit of time to get through that, but any good partner will not be judging your body, they will be thrilled to be intimate with YOU as a whole person. If you're feeling panicky about it though, maybe now is a good time to think about what you feel ready to do or not?

Our appearance is not the be-all and end-all of attraction, and it definitely doesn't define our worth as a person or a partner!

[Mo]

Hi there Maeve! I think Kat J has some really wonderful things to say about body acceptance and dealing with insecurities.

I'd encourage you to keep in mind that even though there's a pretty narrow range of body types that are represented in a lot of media, the range of what people find attractive is far, far greater.
Take breast size, for instance: some people might be VERY into larger breasts and only want to date people who have them, but I think a larger number fall into categories like "I have a slight preference for larger breasts but it's not a huge deal," "I tend to like smaller breasts," "I literally have no opinion about size, breasts are great in any form," etc.

Too, though, when one really cares for a partner it's very easy for their appearance to be wonderful and exciting just because it's THEIR body, regardless of how much any of their physical attributes line up with one's "usual" type. I know that sometimes people say "it's what's inside that counts" in a way that feels dismissive of body insecurity, or overly cheesy, but there really is a lot to that - someone you might feel "meh" about if you saw their picture with no context can be the cutest person you know if there's already a lot you like about them.

Being naked around someone, especially for the first time, can be a bit awkward and intimidating, for sure! But if you're feeling awkward, it's likely the other person is too, and likely that they are also super excited about seeing your body and sharing that intimacy together. I don't think it's ever a good idea to be naked or otherwise intimate with someone if you just don't feel ready at all, and that readiness checklist Kat linked above is a great tool to help you evaluate where you're at right now. I hope that when you do get to that point, it's in a situation where you feel comfortable enough with the other person that it's not too scary, even if you do feel nervous or vulnerable. Remember: the other person's making themself vulnerable too, and might feel just as nervous about the situation! Sometimes just remembering that can make things feel a bit less intimidating.

[Maeve]

Kat J, Mo. Thanks both for your answers. I like dancing too! And honestly lately my breast size isn't so annoying as it used to but I don't like those holes at the end of my ribbs because then there is my tummy (isn't flat) and it looks weird.

[Heather]

I wonder if you could take a minute and just kind of reflect on the fact that you're being so critical of your own body -- and looking at it as a thing, not as what makes you a person, which makes it a pretty big deal -- that you can literally critique it down to the inch.

That's being really hard on anything, let alone a human being; you and your body. And if and when this kind of criticalness of something so literally small overshadows feelings of respect and awe for your body -- like that it gives you a vehicle for your life; like, if you're without disability, or in ways you aren't, how it works to do all the amazing things it can for you -- then you gotta know your perspective is out of whack.

In other words, this isn't about you being pretty or not, attractive or not, having the "right" body or not. It's about your sense of yourself and your body being skewed right now.

So, like Mo mentioned, instead of sting focused on this way of thinking and talking about your body, if you don't want to stay feeling this way about it, you'll want to try and change your approach. Instead of bad-talking your body, or spending time looking at it to find its "flaws," how could you spend that time instead on something that builds you up and helps you make peace with your body rather than tearing you down and keeping you and your body at odds?

[Heather]

P.S. Not sure if it will be useful to you or not, but one thing I do to combat and correct bad body-talk I find myself engaging in is to strongly visualize and empathize with my body as a person.

In other words, if I or someone else were talking to, say, my best friend like that -- telling her about what's wrong with her, how she looks bad, how she's just not right or attractive -- I would feel terrible for her, and would do what I could to support her and let her know anyone talking like that is wrong and a jerk. I get all, "oh you poor thing!" because of course, it really would be awful to a person.

But our body IS a person -- it is us -- so it really is that awful. If we just other our bodies or get disconnected from them, though, we can forget that, which makes it easier to be cruel. When we remember it's us and we empathize, it's easier to be kind instead.