Scarleteen

Hello,

I'm 25 and a doctoral student. English is not my mothertongue, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes.
I'd say that I tend to be asexual, but still heteroromantic which means that I enjoy being in a relationship with my boyfriend, but that I don't take pleasure in sexually-related activities.

In 2013 I was diagnosed with OCD, accompanied by severe Emetophobia. My life has changed ever since.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost five years and he knows about my discomforts and fears.

Sex has hardly ever been a topic, because I'm terribly afraid of getting pregnant and of the morning sickness that comes along with it.

In July 2017, we went on holidays.

Let me tell you how I used to transport and store my birth control pills:

- I keep the pills in a box, far away from direct sunlight
- I checked the room temperature at least five times a day --> the maximum temperature was 26° (which means one degree higher than recommended, this kind of scares me)
- I took the pill at exactly 5:20 pm (+/- 10 min)
- I didn't have to throw up
- I suffered from diarrhoea, but that was 17 hours after taking the birth control pill
- My boyfriend is always using a condom in addition, so there's no direct contact between his genital and mine
- I never forgot to take the pill

We had sex and normally, I feel like a sinner afterwards. My OCD forces me to punish myself for immoral behaviour.
So, I was already afraid that I got pregnant. It's a permanent thought.

Back home, I got my menstruation. Usually, it helps me to realise that nothing had happened, but this time, it just didn't work. I'm not sure if I can count on the menstruation you get while taking the birth control pill. A gynaecologist once told me that as long as the menstruation is as strong and long as normally it's a sure sign that you're not pregnant, but I can't credit him.

I decided to perform a pregnancy test, it turned out negative. I got my second menstruation, still convinced of being pregnant. Also, I had to go to the toilet a little more often than usual which is a clear sign of pregnancy. Approx. 1,5 months later, I went to the drugstore and bought a second pregnancy test, also negative.

Since then, four months have passed, for menstruation cycles done and still, I'm so convinced of being pregnant that it robs my strength and concentration. I check whether my belly grows day after day. I compare my belly to pictures of pregnant women, clearly noticing (or rather imagining) that it grows... I don't know what to do... I'm devastated.

Could someone give me advice on how to handle my fears?

Thank you.

Hi Musashi,

Given that this fear is tied to a mental health diagnosis, have you done any work with a mental healthcare provider on how to manage these fears?

I'm going to give you this piece to look at, as it offers suggestions based upon different reasons why someone may be convinced they're pregnant when they're not. You've already named a few reasons, but some of the suggestions in this article may still be helpful: You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You think You Are?

Since you have such strong fears around pregnancy and you know that sex sets them off, can I ask why you engaged in sexual activity?

Hello Sam,

thanks for your reply. I'm seeing a therapist (unfortunately, he's not my first one) and we'll work on how to manage my fears. The main concern is that I have to throw up in front of my boyfriend and that he would act out of sorts. That's why I'm overcautious in his presence .

Thanks for the link, I'll check it out.

Well to be completely honest with you: I'm afraid of losing my boyfriend if I don't engage in sexual activities from time to time... Let's face the fact: Who would want to date a frightened girl that has absolutely no interest in sex? I'm quite sure that he's going to leave me anytime soon, because he often tells me that he wants to live his life to the fullest and that I'm a huge burden (he says that during a fight, not just out of nowhere). That's the reason I try to get a grip on myself and dare to have sex, even though I know that it triggers the pregnancy-thougts... It's sad, I know...

You're welcome. When you say you're concerned about throwing up in front of your boyfriend, can I ask why that is?

I think, going forward, you need to set a hard limit with him (and with yourself) that you will not engage in any activities that set off your pregnancy fears. I understand the fear of losing your partner, but right now having sex is causing you incredible mental distress. A partner who cares about you would not want you to go through that kind of stress just to satisfy their sexual needs. And if he leaves you because of that, then he's ultimately done you a favor because it means the two of you are not able to meet each others emotional or physical needs and thus need to break-up. That can really suck, but it's better to be single for a bit (or forever) than be with someone who treats you like a burden or makes you feel like you have to disregard your boundaries.

Since you mentioned the fear of never finding another partner, it's worth noting that not all long-term relationships require sex. For example, asexual people can and do have healthy and happy relationships. Too, someone who is a good fit for you as a partner will respect whatever limits you set around sexual activity because they want to be with you, the whole person, and not just you, the sexual person. Does that make sense?

Also: you say you enjoy being with this person, but from these posts alone, it sounds like he treats you quite badly and has you often - and understandably, given this treatment - feeling pressured, stressed, scared, unstable and bad about yourself.

Can you say a little about why *you* want to be with this person in the first place?