Masturbation

[ballerina99]

Ok I need some advice. To start, my little brother and I are really close. We are six years apart but we are best friends. We talk about everything and we really trust each other and I’ve worked so hard to make sure he can trust me and confide in me. So anyways tonight he came to me asking about masturbation. He wanted to know if it was bad and I said no not at all it’s super normal and most people do it or have done it and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Then he confessed he’d been looking into it and thinking about trying it out and he wanted to know what I thought about that. He just turned 12 and personally I worry that he’s too young to start something like that, but also he’s my baby brother so maybe that’s fogging my view? I told him I’m very glad he came to me about it and to hold off while I think it over. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[al]

Hi there ballerina,

First of all, it's awesome that you and your brother are close to each other and that he feels like he can confide in you. You did the right thing in terms of reassuring him that masturbation is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of - that's the exact same thing that we would say!

In terms of what you said about feeling like he's 'too young' - is this the first time that he's talked to you about sexual stuff? How does it make you feel to hear him talking about it?
It's okay if it makes you feel a little weird to hear him talk about sex or masturbation- we don't always think of our family members as sexual beings, especially if they're younger than us. But he did come to you, which means that he trusts you a lot and that he values what you have to say.

We don't usually tell our users that there's any sort of minimum age for thinking about or starting to masturbate, because it's really an individual choice. Some people start masturbating young, some start when they're becoming sexually active, some choose not to masturbate at all. There isn't really a right or wrong time or way to do it, as long as it makes that person happy and respects others' boundaries.

Another thought - have you shared Scarleteen with him at all? If not, you might consider it - that way he could have another place to find info and ask questions that doesn't put any pressure on you to answer on the spot. (I'm thinking particularly of Is Masturbation Okay? Yep.).

[ballerina99]

Thank you for the response!

To answer your question, yes this is the first time he’s come to me with sexual stuff. Other than when he’s had a crush or something like that. It did make me feel pretty uncomfortable just because he’s still so little and innocent to me and thinking about him taking this step really shows how much he’s growing up, and that’s just hard to take in.

There are two things that worry me and make me wonder if he’s too young. The first thing is just how uncomfortable he was talking about it. I understand it’s a tough subject to discuss but he wouldn’t even say the word, he had to write out what he wanted to say on a piece of paper. That may go along with him feeling ashamed, which I hope I helped him get over by assuring him there was really nothing to be ashamed of. But I wonder if it could also mean he’s just not ready to take this step.

Additionally, I don’t really think he understands how masturbating works. I don’t think he understands what an orgasm is and I don’t think he is aware of any of the things that happen when one has an orgasm, specifically ejactulation. I’ve considered discussing all this with him and explaining it all, but the idea of talking about sex so in depth with my little brother makes me uncomfortable. I also was thinking that if he doesn’t understand how it works it might mean he shouldn’t be doing it? I don’t want him to do it when he’s not ready and then feel uncomfortable about it after. I don’t want him to feel badly about masturbation because he started when he wasn’t ready.

I have thought about telling him about this website, but I’m worried he will stumble upon information he shouldn’t be reading, if that makes sense. I’m not sure my parents would be comfortable with him exploring a site that talks so much about sex. I don’t want to betray my brothers trust by going to them for advice, but I’m really not sure how to handle this on my own, and I’m afraid if I don’t handle it correctly it will hurt how he feels about sexuality in the future, which is the last thing I want.

[thewrit3r]

Hi,

Just going to throw my two cents in here: I’ve been masturbating since I was 6 or so years old. It’s not always sexual when you masturbate, it feels good to many people so sometimes you just do it for that reason. It’s actually quite common for kids to masturbate, so I don’t think it’s inappropriate.

Obviously I don’t know your family situation, so I don’t know if this would be helpful to you, but it might so I’ll put it out there: a lot of times kids will know when they’re heard more information than they need to about any topic, including sex. You don’t have to go that in-depth if you want, maybe ask him if he wants to learn more or not. In all honesty, him talking to you is probably better than if he stumbled across something on the internet, and studies have shown that kids who talk to their families about sex are not only more likely to delay when they’re sexually active, but also more likely to practice safe sex. But again, I don’t know your family situation, if you could go to your parents (you sound pretty open about sex but I don’t know if your parents are or not). But I hope I threw in some helpful information there.

[Heather]

There are two things that worry me and make me wonder if he’s too young. The first thing is just how uncomfortable he was talking about it. I understand it’s a tough subject to discuss but he wouldn’t even say the word, he had to write out what he wanted to say on a piece of paper. That may go along with him feeling ashamed, which I hope I helped him get over by assuring him there was really nothing to be ashamed of. But I wonder if it could also mean he’s just not ready to take this step.

Additionally, I don’t really think he understands how masturbating works. I don’t think he understands what an orgasm is and I don’t think he is aware of any of the things that happen when one has an orgasm, specifically ejactulation. I’ve considered discussing all this with him and explaining it all, but the idea of talking about sex so in depth with my little brother makes me uncomfortable. I also was thinking that if he doesn’t understand how it works it might mean he shouldn’t be doing it? I don’t want him to do it when he’s not ready and then feel uncomfortable about it after. I don’t want him to feel badly about masturbation because he started when he wasn’t ready.

Like thewrit3r mentioned, masturbation is usually something that starts in infancy (even though most people don't remember doing it), and even possibly in utero. It not only isn't always sexual -- sometimes it's more about self-comforting than stimulating, or just about curiosity about one's body and its responses, especially for children -- but at 12, it's pretty common for people to start having sexual feelings and to express them with masturbation. And how comfortable people feel asking about masturbation or other parts of sexuality isn't a good measure of if they're "ready" to touch their own bodies. More people are uncomfortable -- of every age -- talking about this stuff than not. And I think it's pretty safe to say that unless your home has been really relaxed in talking about bodies and sex, it's not at all unusual for a younger brother to feel pretty uncomfortable asking his older sister about this.

People also don't have to know how human sexual response works to explore it. Most people don't when they first start, and most people learn BY exploring it, later augmenting it with more information, like via various forms of sex education.

Here's the biggest thing: you don't have to worry about him starting when he isn't ready because he already started, probably when he was just a baby, and he would have been ready then, because we all are if that's a thing we're inclined to do (and again, it almost always is). Really, all this is is a person exploring their own bodies with their own bodies: we do that from the second we're born. It's not a trauma, it's just one of the most basic ways of experiencing and exploring life there is, if not literally THE most basic way. Truly. It's okay.

I agree that this site isn't a great fit if you want to give him some sex ed. We intend what we do for a slightly older readership, so it can just be overwhelming for much younger readers -- it's a lot here, after all -- or those who are super-super new to all this. Instead, I'd suggest giving him some resources meant for younger readers. Books-wise, my friend Cory Silverberg's book "Sex is a Funny Word" may be a good fit, especially if in your family no one really has been candidly talking about body parts and sexuality pretty openly all along. I can also suggest some puberty books if no one has yet given him anything like that: it's certainly time, if not.

Online, there's a newer video series that I think is really quire perfect for his age group. You can both check those out here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXQZTt ... H2fg-OJ_eA

There's even one on masturbation specifically: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXQZTt ... H2fg-OJ_eA