Guilty

[thewrit3r]

So I haven’t been feeling well mentally at all. I’m in treatment but I’m just really angry that I have to deal with this probably for the rest of my life. So last night I did something not so smart - I took an extra pill of one my antidepressants. I didn’t experience any negative effects but in hindsight I realize what I did was drug abuse. I think I should probably tell my mom (she puts out my meds), my therapist, and my doctor, but I don’t know how. I feel so guilty that I keep slipping when people are trying to help me, I feel like I’m failing them like I’m failing myself by being so self-destructive lately.

[Sam W]

Hi thewrit3r,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. You're right that the feeling of "oh crap I have to deal with this the rest of my life" can be incredibly disheartening. Something I've found helpful is to remind myself that yes, I will may be dealing with a mental illness for the rest of my days, but my ability to deal with it is going to improve. Not that there won't be ups and downs, but that as time goes on I'll learn more and more about how to best manage the illness. It's not a perfect solution, but it helps.

With taking the extra pill, I think that's something to mention to your therapist the next time you meet when they ask how you've been doing. It sounds like it could lead to an important conversation. You can also talk to your mom about it if you feel comfortable doing so, and if you worry that you might try to take an extra dose again, you and she can work out a plan where you only have access to one dose at a time.

[thewrit3r]

Hi

I am feeling better now thankfully. I realized I’m being pretty hard on myself and I’m eeally just hurting me not other people which almost makes it worse. I just have a hard time accepting dealing with mental illnesses chronically. I told my therapist that and she gave me similar advice to what you said, but I just don’t want to deal with this. I want my old life back and I just feel like I’ll be depressed forever - my therapist said this wasn’t true I would have more of a balance with good and bad days, but it feels like forever. I have been trying to open up to her more since I last saw her though and I see her next week so I’ll bring it up with her, I just am worried she’ll be disappointed with me even though I know therapy is supposed to be a safe space and she told me she wouldn’t judge me, maybe it will just take awhile for me to gain more trust.

[Sam W]

Something I advise when working with therapists is to take them at their word: they say they won't judge? Then assume they won't (heck, they're trained not to). It takes some of the guess work out your relationship with them, which can cut down on some of the anxiety.

And hey, I feel you. When I first got a diagnosis, I had the thought of "you mean I've got to deal with this nonsense until I die?! What the junk?" Sometimes I still have that thought, but it happens less and less. And you're right that the bad days have a way of feeling like they last forever. Sometimes having note written to yourself that says "this isn't forever" can help, because it reminds you of something your non-jerk brain already knows (although, if the low periods are really lasting for long spells, that' something to tell a therapist).