Trying to Start a Poly-amorous Relationship?

[Joan]

Hi! I’m in the process of maybe possibly trying a relationship like this with people that I am very close with. The problem is that all three of us are still very young and inexperienced in relationships. It took a lot from all of us to even bring this up over the past few days and it is kinda stressing me out. We are all 17 (two of us will be 18 soon) and are all super nervous about even the idea of this. Does anyone have any advice?

[Sam W]

Hi Joan,

Have the three of you taken a peek at this series? If not, that's a great place to start!
A First Polyamory Guide

You mention feeling stressed out by the situation. Can I ask what parts of it are causing you stress?

[Joan]

Hi Sam!

I think most if the nervousness comes from the fact that we are all so inexperienced in terms of dating. The idea of a monogamous relationship is still fairly new to us, let alone a polyamorous one.

Also, we don't want the dynamic of our relationship to change at all; everything feels fragile.

[Sam W]

Those are all totally understandable things to feel when considering a new relationship (be it a polyamorous one or not). Can you tell me a little bit about how the three of you came to this as your preferred option, and how much conversation you've all had about the dynamics and details of the relationship?

[Joan]

So, for the past few months, there has been a lack of a physical boundary that we are all comfortable with, mostly just hand holding and cuddling. And there has always been a running joke (for a lack of a better word) about being secretly in love with each other, but no one ever was keen on denying it. For instance, there is a lot of silly flirting, but when someone asks, "wait, for real?" there is some stalling and giggling and most definitely not a denial.

So, I said "hey, maybe we should talk about this?" We were all definitely nervous and beating around the bush for most of the conversation, but finally I blurted out the word "polyamorous." We've all established some sort of feelings for each other, but the idea of a relationship sounds scary and we haven't been able to discuss details about it.

One of them (let's say Person C) asked me what I wanted out to come from this conversation, but I don't really have a good answer. I've never really been in a serious relationship before so I don't really know what I want? Sorry it sounds super complicated...

[Sam W]

No need to apologize It sounds like the three of you are already communicating about this, which is a great precedent to set because you've got a lot more communication that still needs to happen. It sounds like it might be helpful for all three of you to do some thinking about what you'd each want from a relationship, and then come together to talk about it after you've done some soul searching. How does that sound?

There are a lot of different ways to build a relationship, and the poly series I linked you to covers the ways in which you can navigate that dynamic. But it also sounds like you, and maybe the other two people as well, could benefit from reading these pieces: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

[Joan]

Thank you! That sounds like a good plan to me! It might be a few days before we are able to sit down and have a conversation, but I will let you know what happens!!

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I hope it goes well!