Anxiety is taking a toll on me

[Lavm331]

It’s been a while since the last time i posted on this website, but I don’t know what to do about this anymore.
Recently, about six months ago i went all in in my relationship with my boyfriend, we got married, moved in together and started fresh in a new country. I was happy, thought it was right for us, and then came the constant fighting and stress and it seemed as if nothing i did or he did was right for the other one. Of course i thought that it would fade, that it was the stress of the new situation but it actually got worse. I started to feel worthless, he was working full time and i landed a freelance job that gave me lots of free time so i was basically a housewife, waiting for him to come home. But it seemed that everything o did, i did wrong in his eyes, at least that’s how it felt. He didn’t like my cooking, he complained, he started to give me little hints of how i did nothing but stay in the house all day while he was doing something. Then money problems came, as he was making double the money i was, i asked him if maybe he could pitch in a little more because i was struggling with paying my half of everything and he was outraged, telling me that if I expected him to pay for everything, which was really not the case. All of these made me a crying mess. I cried basically everyday and he just kept telling me that i was silly to cry about everything. Eventually he denied ever been mad with me about the money problems and every time i tried talking to him about how he was treating me badly, he would tell me he was only joking or that he didn’t mean to made me feel bad.
But it hurt none the less. The fights got worse and it got physical, he didn’t exactly hurt me, but i did feel scared.
That for me, was the last drop. I basically moved in with a friend, barely saw him. He kept apologizing about everything but i was broken inside. I felt hopeless. I poured myself into the relationship and a future together and it seemed it was collapsing on me. We talked and decided that we needed a break to think, i took of my ring and gave it to him and told him that maybe would just leave and that he could take the apartment.
Then i went on what i call now a pointless month of trying to forget about everything and living as if none of that was happening to me. I just couldn’t bare it.
Then, was when i did something that I deeply regret now, i cheated on him. At the moment it felt awful, but as time went by i started feeling good, as if i was worth someone’s time, i guess. It was a dumb mistake, maybe to numb the pain, it lasted a mere two weeks. But i feel haunted by it now.
After all, i did get back with my now husband, we talk it through and i told myself to just forget it. But it seems now that we are maybe back on track, and everything is good, then i feel this awful sensation and i cannot get past lt. I haven’t told him and by now I don’t see the point. I caught him recently, just after we got back together that he was emotionally cheating on me, and to be honest i wish I hadn’t, i did forgive him; i think basically out of my own guilt, and just didn’t see the point of wanting to know it after i found it. I found out that it had been going on for more than a year, which is what hurt me the most. He swore to me it didn’t mean anything and i guess i believe him.
I just feel awful not coming clean about what i did, but don’t know if telling him would be more to relieve my guilt than wanting to be honest. i cannot seem to let go of the thought and wish i could get some perspective.

[Heather]

I wanted to check out your history to be sure I had as much of the whole picture here as possible, but this is your first post.

It sounds like you have had an account here before, though. Can you tell me what that handle was, both so I can get that history and so we can shut one account down, as having only one account is part of the user agreement? Thanks.

To move forward with this post, I also feel like I don't have a real sense of what you want here. Based just on this post, this relationship sounds like it has made you pretty miserable and that it's been pretty crummy a good deal if the time. On top of that, you appear to be hinting at physical abuse, as well as what sounds like emotional abuse. Do you want to stay in it, or do you want to talk/think about leaving it?

[Lavm331]

Hello heather,
Yes i know i can only have one account but i forgot my password and the mail i had it with and couldn’t retrieve it. My account username was lavm13. I’m sorry that i broke part of the user agreement I didn’t mean to.

About my relationship, i just really am not sure what i want. I have feelings for him of course and thing have been so good recently, like they always were that i just wonder if all of that fighting wasn’t just a rough patch, maybe i’m just silly to think that it was just that... We’ve been together for 5 years now and it wasn’t ever like this. I did try going to therapy but I cannot afford it anymore and i managed to put my anxiety and guilt aside for a while but i fear that i’m not ever gonna be able to save this relationship and my sanity if i keep feeling like i’m not honest with him

[Heather]

It's okay. I will look at your history there shortly, and then go ahead and turn that account off since you don't have access to it anymore.

By all means, I'd say that in a relationship where you know you are safe to be honest, being honest is usually the way to go if you want to build and be in something real and whole.

But because you have reported emotional abuse from him, and what sounds like the threat of physical abuse (?), before we even talk about telling him you had sex outside the relationship, I want to know if you think this is someone safe, period, as well as safe with this truth. I have extra concerns about this if you have moved away from your support systems and are somewhere where you don't have much support, be that with a therapist, family members, friends.

Whether you call it a rough patch or something else, the fact is that it sounds like your husband showed you in all that that he can be abusive, so you have to always figure he may be again.