I have a crush on a girl , but I have a Boyfriend

[RD93]

Hi, I am a 24 years old, and just recently I have been crushing on this girl.. (met her at work) shes kind of like a tomboy, she is really cute, quiet but not shy, she is really reserved and I can see that she chooses who to trust and have a friendship with, I have come to terms that I am bisexual because I am attracted to both genres, I have always been and I realiZe this until 3 years ago . I currently have a boyfriend, he is awesome, loving and caring and is always there for me, in all sense of the word, has been my support countless of time, I love him, but I feel guilty because.. I’ve been having thougths about this girl, I know she likes me too, I can see it. I have never been in a relationship with a woman before(I’ve had crushes on girls before but not like this, and I was single those times), I am not out(my family is super conservative and religious and is against all things related to LGBT) , Just some of my closest friends know, and my bf knows but thinks I’m not into girls anymore..
The issue is that I’ve been thinking about her too much, I wanna see her everyday, talk to her, kiss her and you know other stuffs, and the funny thing is that we work in the same place but I can hardly see her and I don’t really talk with her, I have spoken with her like 4 times, but those 4 times were amazing, we have different shifts and everything but somehow I feel just so damn attracted to her, and not just that I am kinda starting to be into her like for real. But I cannot break up with my boyfriend, he wants to marry me, we have made plans together, His family loves me, we’ve been together for 1.2 years now and this is my longest relationship ever, it has not been easy but he is always there for me, and I do care for him and love him. Is this just lust? Or am I reading to much into the situation? Because honestly I know she likes me. I don’t really know what to do. I have done things like staying late at work just so I can see her, going on breaks just to bump into her , One day She even sat next to me stating that her pc was not working and she needed to send some emails, I am so confused, I don’t want to throw away everything I have with my bf just because I am attracted to her, and he doesnt deserves this, I have never has this problem before. If I pursue her and decide to have a relationship with her is it going to be worth it? Because my country sees homosexuality/bisexuality/Lesbianism as a taboo and couples are not open here like in most countries, and my family is going to outcast me for sure, along with losing friends, etc.. I can see that she is comfortable with who she is , she is really cool, and well I know most LGBT people are not monogamous , she is 21 so idk if we have a relationship she is going to be serious because I will be. On the other hand theres my relationship with my boyfriend and all that implies wedding and comfort. I don’t know what to do Should I give myself a chance to explore my bisexuality ? Or just supress it and not find out what or who I am ans what I feel comfortable with? I’ve never had the chance , but there is so much to think about.. can you give me some advice? Or wise words? (Sorry if My grammar sucks, English is not my first language) and sorry for the long post. Thank you

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, RD93.

I think it might help to start by reminding you that chances are good that your boyfriend is or has been attracted or drawn to other people, too. Being in love with someone, being in relationship with someone, isn't something that tends to shut all our feelings down for other people. We don't stop noticing others because we have someone we make a choice to pay the most of a certain kind of attention to. When people choose to be in exclusive relationships with one another, it's not usually because they have zero feelings for, or interest in, anyone else. Rather, it's because they are making a choice to only be in a certain kind of relationship with that one person, usually because that person is who they want to be in that kind of relationship with most of all.

I can't tel you what your feelings are. "Lust" is a word people use to mean sexual feelings, so yes, it sounds like those kinds of feelings are part of this for you. How "just" that is is something only you can say. Sometimes sexual feelings can be very powerful and big, sometimes not so much.

When we are attracted to someone, that doesn't mean we have to actively do something with those feelings. In fact, more times than not, we probably won't, for any number of reasons. That can be because we're currently in something exclusive, like you are, and want to stay in that and keep that relationship exclusive. Or maybe we're not in that spot, but someone we're attracted to is. Or maybe we just don't feel anything strong enough to make taking action on those feelings seem worth the effort. Or maybe we're just not in the mood to do anything with them except have them, appreciate them, and let them go.

I think that this is really a bigger question than being about this specific woman. It sounds to me like what's really going on here, perhaps, is that how you feel about her has you wondering how your bisexuality is going to fit in your current relationship now, or down the road. It sounds like it has you questioning if, for instance, a monogamous marriage is something you actually want or not, or will work for you or not. Does that sound about right?