Scarleteen

So I guess I'm in a very complicated situation that goes in several directions at a time, but as might be unusual, what pushed me to ask for advice regards condom use. I am still a virgin but I have a boyfriend of a year and a half now (I'm midway from 16 to 17) and I've thought about sex since before being with him.

Condoms... Gross me out, to put it shortly. I've tried "playing" in my hands to get used to it but that doesn't change my feelings.

My boyfriend listens to me and he is open to let me decide on our "when": he feels we can wait as long as we want, and he feels we're probably ready if I feel I am. That was not always the case, I felt ready earlier in the relationship but he thought that was too early. Now we both feel open to it. But he worries about my wishes for contraception: the pill, and that's it. He listens to my reasons but he thinks that's a decision we shouldn't keep between the two of us and I need to get advice from a doctor about that. I guess I will, but I will need to have my mom get me there and explain to her why, so I'd rather ease on it by asking advice online before.

On advice by my boyfriend, I have maintained a journal of how well I take the pill, and it shows that I made some mistakes at first but for a year I have taken it perfectly, though not so well for the year before. I think it shows that now I am ready to have it as an effective contraception method.

He says considering the risks (we're doing a good effort to not get pregnant, but not to the point to abstain for too long more, and there is no way I get an abortion out of his baby if that happens anyway) we really need better than that, and maybe if condoms are so hard for me to consider we might need some more time for me to get more at ease with the idea.

For instance, he proposes we can get sexual without actual penetration. When I say I'm a virgin, I mean I've barely had glimpses of him naked, there was never any sexual contact between us (not counting making out and mutual chest feeling under shirt.) He offers we could become more physical by getting clothes out of the way, and use our hands to stimulate each other rather than go straight for the classic sex. Says that it would be part of foreplay anyway but it could be what sex is for us for the time being. Says he'd gladly give me oral when I feel ready but that doesn't need to be mutual as long as we feel initimate. He hopes with time I'd get more at ease generally including with using condoms. I'm not so sure and I'm not sure I want to wait much longer for full penetrative sex.

He had several partners before me. He says I'm the first one who would even consider no condoms so all before were protected, though he still got regular testing until six months into our relationship (we are exclusive of course and he says he didn't have any partner for a while before we got together, but STIs can stay undetected several times in a row.)

One tangential problem we have, is that were are kind of secret. I have confided to my parents, or my mom anyway, that I have a boyfriend who I intend to get sexual with (a year and a half later I'm still not and I didn't really tell about that). That's how I get to take the pill without burdens. But I haven't introduced them. Because the guy I fell in love with and started dating is 14 years older. Legally there is no problem (there wouldn't be even if we had sex on the first day) but I'm pretty sure if my parents knew they would do what they can to separate us, and I don't want that. I feel like my parents are very interested in protecting me, but not at all in letting me become my own person in my own ways, including but not limited to pursue the loves I want. And I feel they shouldn't have a say in who I date, despite their ability to have a say. That means I have limited options in telling my parents why I feel safe with him (very kind and gentle, always accounting for my wishes and thoughts because yeah, at his age it's easy for him, very responsible with sexual health...) We're also not free to do everything we want: as an adult if I try to spend the night at his place he has to call my parents and explain them the situation truthfully, which he would accept to do, but I don't think our parents would let us be together so I don't want to.

We met when I was 15. He lives nearby and is a gamer (he also has a career that seems to go well), he started a gaming social gathering when he moved in the neighborhood and he invited people over to come to his place to talk and play video games. As a gamer myself I was interested too, though the youngest after me was 20. I was welcome there and I felt at ease, and I came over his house much more often than everyone because he is better equipped to game and to do homework. Over a year of doing that I learned to know him and I fell in love. He sounds younger than he is, at least when we ignore the kind of income he probably has considering his house, his car and his tech. He was not very receptive to me asking to date at first, but when we discussed it he eventually agreed that he didn't think of me as a child, he was just afraid it would be bad for me. I told him I expected him to be good to me, and he eventually agreed to date. Sex is still not completely on the table as I explained above though.

I think what this really seems to boil down to is this: you don't want to use condoms, and you also don't want to use any other contraception besides the pill right now. The person you want to have sex with doesn't feel comfortable with that. In fact, it sounds like the person you want to have sex with is pretty uncomfortable with the idea of sex with you, period.

Have we seen this before? Not exactly in this iteration of it, but yes. (We have also seen the situation where men are trying to monitor women's pill use like this like they're their parents, and tbh, it always gives me the heebs.) And our answer is basically the same every time: if someone isn't comfortable having sex with us, or having sex with us under certain conditions, we need to just accept that without trying to change their minds. That's part and parcel of consent; trying to talk someone out of their limits is coercion.

We can then either meet the conditions they have (if we, in fact, can, and if we want to), or we can not have sex with them and let it go. Then we can just not have sex with someone period, or seek out sexual partners where what we all want and need is in better alignment.

There's more I can offer up about this specific situation if you'd like, including that I'd discourage you from ditching barrier use in your sexual life whenever you start it, but ultimately, I think this is where you stand. You want to do things, or do them in a way, this person isn't comfortable with, so you have to accept their limits and then decide where you want to go from here without trying to change their mind.

Where would you like to take this conversation from here?

Thank you.

This is at least very close to what it boils down to, but I'm afraid there may be very important subtle ways in which this was too synthetic to mirror the real situation. Let me explain what I mean point by point.

I don't feel comfortable using condoms. Really, I don't. I'm not sure how to describe the repulsive feeling. And I feel like we can rely on the pill only because I'm using it right now and I think I'm using it right. However I am absolutely open to alternatives, minus condoms. It's just I guess I'm not all so aware of alternatives I'm eligible for. For the sake of discussion my boyfriend told me about IUDs and implants, but it seems like I'm too young (and too virgin) to get one. But he says neither of us are well-informed and that's why he thinks talking to a doctor would be helpful at this point. And again I guess I will, but I would like a discussion about it without involving my mom first. In the meantime he told me how about the school nurse? Didn't think of that.

My boyfriend has serious reservations against sex without a condom. He's making it clear. First he wishes I wouldn't be too trusting of "others'" sexual health. I only trust him and he showed me test results, thank you very much. Second he believes pill usage can fail too easily, for instance if god forbids I get in an accident and must go to the hospital, I'll miss a couple of pills there (he likes extreme examples to illustrate his points then tame down saying the same can happen in less extreme scenarios). On that I'm not sure I really have a counterargument. Sexuality involves risks I guess, and I do hope to not get in an accident. But he is open to alternatives, he just wishes I don't trust the pill too much and I take my decision based on professional advice/information, from someone who can apply/supply whatever solution they propose.

My boyfriend used to be uncomfortable with the idea of us having sex, but he's shown a change lately. He says mostly he doesn't want to hurt me. He was afraid that I was rushing into a fleeting attraction and I might regret acting too rashly. But after a significant period of time getting comfortable knowing each other, he agrees now that I can decide for myself. He says he's not at any risk in this situation, but I am. Again taking an extreme example if I were to get pregnant and have his child it's reasonably easy for him to take it in and be a single dad, letting me have the place I want in my child's life. Or to pay child support for all his life. He can move me in or pay for my own place if it gets to it and that's whether we're still together or not. In short he says he's not at risk here, but he would hate to watch me sacrifice my life. Still anyone my age has sex, and I want to too, and he hears that and he thinks I'm able to take that decision now.

I wouldn't say my boyfriend monitors my use of pills, but as I cited it as my contraception plan he does feel involved in the matter and we've discussed how I know it works. It is true I started a journal on his suggestion, but the journal is for my eyes only. His point was that it would be helpful to help me see whether or not my usage of the pill respected the recommendations, and it is true that it wasn't always very good, but it is completely to the book now.

So one could say that I'm uncomfortable having sex using condoms but I'm open to alternatives, he's uncomfortable relying solely on the pill but he's open to alternatives as long as I get reliable advice/information for myself. We're not really stuck. He promises if I go to a doctor and they say in that situation I can get an implant and I come back to him with an implant, then we'll have sex any time I want. If we can't find an agreeable alternative, then... I think for a while I will prefer no sex to sex with condoms, and I'll see if it changes at some point (and I would probably explore his non penetrative sex suggested alternative.)

It's just I can't go alone to a doctor and there's something icky about having my older, adult boyfriend take me to one. I'll need my mom for that and I'm trying to gather courage and information about what to expect from this visit to the doctor, before actually going. My boyfriend says he fully understands, but he did not grow up as a girl and he flat-out doesn't know.

Where would you like to take this conversation from here?

I guess what I hoped was an online, fully anonymous discussion about what to expect when I'll go visit my gynecologist to explain to her that I am a virgin but I wish to start having sexual intercourse exclusively with my long-term boyfriend, without using condoms (as they disgust me, not for more widely accepted reasons like allergy.)

I am happy to have that discussion with you. I also have some thoughts about all of what you added up there -- which can be boiled down to the fact that I have issues with what sounds a whole lot like your boyfriend behaving like a parent with you in this, which is obviously problematic, in fact, I see what looks exactly like you having those feelings yourself when you say, "there's something icky about having my older, adult boyfriend take me to one" -- but I know don't want to speak out of turn, and I don't see any cause to do that at this point. Too, jumping into vaginal intercourse without exploring other kinds of sex both first and generally, just as often, isn't usually great for people no matter what: those other kinds of sex tend to give us important information and experience so that intercourse is something that feels good instead of something that feels bad or merely perfunctory. Some straight people often think of those kinds of sex as foreplay and only intercourse as sex, but tbh, those that do often also don't report having the greatest sex lives.

If you're interested in any of those thoughts, let me know, and if so, I'm glad to share them with you.

Here's the scoop on that visit and how it should go. I can't really say how it will go because sexual healthcare providers are also just people with all the diversity of people, but I can say how it probably should:

You can go by yourself to seek out this kind of healthcare. I'm not sure if you mean you need a ride, or you don't want to go without some kind of support, but you don't need an adult escort, if that's what you're thinking.

A sexual healthcare provider generally isn't going to be very positive about a patient especially a young patient, in the age group where STI rates are the highest, skipping out on barrier use. However, a good healthcare provider also is going to respect your choices, even when they don't agree with them, and still do the best they can do to serve you as a healthcare provider.

Having been in this spot of counseling people making this kind of choice, what I usually do is try and figure out what I can do to help that person safeguard their health as best as possible within whatever limit or preference they have set.

They probably will want to talk with you about STI testing, and will likely ask if you and your boyfriend are at least getting tested, and at least plan to regularly get tested. Then they will probably just ask you what methods you are interested in. For the record, people who have not had vaginal intercourse before or are 16 are no less able to get IUDs or implants based on their age or lack of sexual experience. (However, in the first few weeks after IUD insertion, there are some elevated risks from any possible infections, so if you're not willing to use condoms, you just need to know that.) You can ask them to just tell you about all of your options, only about options you're interested, the most foolproof options, etc. That you haven't had sex before doesn't really make any difference with any of this, so you can offer up that information if you like, but they probably won't ask about it. You may, however, be asked if you currently have a sexual partner on your intake forms.

As an aside, I would personally suggest that you pick BC methods based on YOUR needs, not someone else's. This is about your body and your life, and you're going to be the one living with any effects of your methods. With long-term methods, given your age, changes are you may well be using them after this relationship is over, so thinking outside of it is probably smart.

Depending on what method you wind up wanting, they may or may not need to do a bimanual exam. (For more information on those and a general first visit, check this out: Your First Gynecologist Visit) They may also run a pregnancy test first, which is just something routine they do for everyone before providing a BC method. They will give you extra information on your method as needed, tell you how to use it, and if it's something with a prescription, send you home with that. They will hopefully ask you if you have any questions one more time, and that'll probably be that.

Does that fill you in in the way you were looking for?

Thank you so much. Yes it reassures me a lot about how such a visit goes.

What I meant about not being able to go alone is a combination of things that don't, when I think of it, actually prevent me to go alone. It's just I wish to go to the same doctor I've been a patient to, and already prescribed my pills. Transportation to her office is not very practical without a ride, but possible. It kind of doesn't come to mind to go to a visit without my mom as I always had before, unless maybe if she was super busy which she is not. And finally I don't have much money readily available and while I could pay for a visit, I'm not so sure about whatever method I might want to go with on the spot. Something disturbs me in having my boyfriend pay for it. Now I guess all of this can be solved if it's really important for me to not have my mom around... But it's not. I'm just anxious about it. I still want her to have my back just in case. She already thinks I'm sexual with a boyfriend she never met after all.

It's reassuring to learn that actually methods like IUDs or implants are available to me, I got the impression of otherwise online, but I take that with a grain of salt. That's also why my boyfriend suggested asking a professional. Still I'll prefer to listen to a list of options.

A lot of what you described here is *very* similar to what my boyfriend predicted or discussed before but it's not like he was sure of it. That's sort of scary when considering he's only predicting based on what's a doctor's mission.

You don't need your mother for this, but it sounds to me like you actually want her in it, ideally.

I understand the reason you aren't asking for her help with this is because you are keeping the relationship a secret. But there really are a lot of downsides, usually including impending disasters, with secret relationships. In this case, it also sounds like you're putting what sounds like a close and positive relationship with your Mom at risk, which is quite a thing to risk.

Would you be okay with my saying a few things about the secret aspect of all this for you to consider?

Heather wrote:You don't need your mother for this, but it sounds to me like you actually want her in it, ideally.

I guess in a nutshell, yeah. On the one hand, I'm thinking there will come a time when I'll deal with taking decisions at the doctor's without parental help, and maybe that time is supposed to have come. On the other hand pretty much nobody is implying that in any way and it's fairly reassuring to keep having their back.

I am not so sure that I am close with my mom. Don't get me wrong I love her. I think. Maybe I'm being a little too self-reflecting here but who loves their parents and shows it right in high school? I have the impression, mostly based on sex ed and what I was told by friends about how it went for them, that she's done a good job handling that my sisters and I are going to be sexual at some point and need birth control. I think my parents made it clear I can rely on them and they will get me to the doctor when I need it. I'm not sure that makes us very close. I don't really feel like it. Maybe something I'm not sure everyone has at home, is my mom (and my sis) insisted that I can tell them anything I need help about, especially if it involves sex (long story short, pregnancy and scares, assault, and other non fun stuff).

I am very grateful to you for helping me out, and I will listen if you want to tell me something, but I can't promise I have not already thought about it a lot nor that I don't have different ideas.

Oh, by all means, you might have different ideas. And maybe my thoughts on this are things you have thought about. And I won't go on (and I can certainly go on!), or toss you everything I've had in my head since you started posting, but I just want to toss something brief but important your way, and that's this:

Secret relationships almost never, ever stay secret, especially when you're younger and living at home. Goodness knows how many people have tried to keep a secret relationship secret and failed. It's pretty much guaranteed that you're going to get found out eventually, and probably by your parent.

And when it does happen, whatever consequence you're worried about now that has you keeping it secret is at least probably going to happen. But since there is also going to be a big breach of trust in the mix -- and however many lies or omissions happened to keep it a secret will each be their own breach of trust -- this discovery is always bound to go worse than if you share it upfront from the front.

So, my best advice to you, to anyone about secret relationships in most situations, is to figure that very, very soon, you probably either should end or change the nature of this until a time in your lives when it doesn't feel like you have to keep it secret or go ahead and be honest with your Mom. Like I said, she's probably going to find out in time anyway, so however you think it might go telling her, you can count on it going even worse if you keep hiding it from her when she finds out.

It also sounds like you have a pretty excellent Mom there who, from the sounds of things, has tried to let you know you can talk to her. It doesn't sound like the kind of relationship you'd really want to risk making a big mess of: parents like these really don't come along every day. Since you have said you want her to have your back around some of this, I'm also going to trust your judgment and assume that's for good reason. It may be that her feelings about this, whatever they are, are wise and the way she chooses to respond to this is about having your back. Maybe have a little faith in her here?

And there you have it, my two cents, to do what you will with.