First time with someone new

[Volleygirl22]

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. But I have a question. I had a boyfriend, previously. Whenever we had sex...it was...well just okay. The relationship with the guy ended because he had to move, and I couldn’t handle long distance (had bad experience with that in the past). Anyway, I consider myself bi. I’m currently in a relationship with another girl, and we’ve talked about taking things to the next level and having sex. I’ve never done it with another girl before, so I was wondering if I could ask for some advice? Anything would help

[Heather]

Good to see you again.

Sure we can probably answer some questions for you, but one thing you might want to start with from the front is to assume that in a lot of ways, sex with this partner is going to be different mostly because she's a different person, rather than because of her gender, unless your previous relationship and the sex that was part of it was super heteronormative...in which case yeah, it may be a lot different (and probably a lot better by that token alone).

At the same time, some of what made the sex in your last thing so blah might not change if it was blah because of things like not communicating well (or at all), not telling your partner what you really want, not being honest about what you do or don't like, just going along with what someone else wanted, and so on.

What kind of questions do you have that we can help you with?

And have you seen this piece here yet? Five Things I Learned Dating a Girl, It's very basic, but it might be a nice start for you.

[Volleygirl22]

Thanks! I’ll take a look at that link. When it comes to sex in the last relationship, I wouldn’t say that it was from a lack of communication. I said I consider myself bi, but I think I’m more interested in girls than guys. I still have a slight interest in guys, but my interest in girls is much more prominent, I would say.

I tend to overthink things a lot, so I tend to like to have a plan. I know sex isn’t really something that can be planned for, but I still tend to do exactly that. And because this will be my first time doing it with another girl, I’m sitting here telling myself that I want to do it “right”. I want to take the lead. That’s what I was looking for tips on. I want to take the lead, but I don’t quite know how to. I never even did that with my boyfriend

[Alice O]

Hey Volleygirl22,

As someone who likes to plan ahead, I resonate with what you're saying! While there are a lot of ways in which sex with a partner can be planned for (for ex. sexual healthcare, birth control, figuring out what feels pleasurable to you, or thinking about your wants/needs/boundaries), it sounds like you are touching on some of the elements of partnered sex that can't be planned for. And while that can feel scary (the unknown!), it is also what hopefully makes it fun

Can you share more about what you mean by taking the lead? And more about what it is you are interested in trying that you don't feel prepared for?

I also want to remind you that our first times having sex with a new partner are often a bit awkward or clumsy! Some of this has to do with the nerves and/or vulnerability that often come with new sexual experiences with someone. In addition, we are just beginning to learn about each other's bodies and what we each like/dislike. It's like two people dancing for the first time and accidentally stepping on each other's toes. This is all to say, while it will hopefully feel "right" in many ways, it will also change with time as you two get more comfortable and confident with each other. So no rush!

[Volleygirl22]

By taking the lead, I’m thinking more along the lines of being the one to initiate. But I’d also like to actually DO more during sex. When I was with my boyfriend, I was more of the just lay back and let him do his thing. But I want to be more of a giver with my girlfriend now. I want to branch myself out and be more of a giver instead of JUST a receiver.

[Alice O]

That reminds me a lot of something that the author writes about in the "Five Things I Learned Dating a Girl" piece which Heather linked above. Did you get a chance to read that?

And re: your desire to initiate and be a more active part of the sex, communication will be key! Here's our main piece on sexual communication if you haven't checked that out already: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner. Do any questions come up for you from reading that?

[Volleygirl22]

Oh okay! Haha I haven’t gotten a chance to read through it yet. I’m multitasking with homework right now lol

[Volleygirl22]

One other thing is that we’ve never seen each other naked yet. I’ve always been self conscious. But I don’t want that to stop anything. She’s been very supportive of me since she used to be the same way. I’m still nervous though. She’s in a bit better shape than I am

[Sam W]

Hi Volleygirl22,

It can definitely be a little nerve-wracking to be naked in front of a new partner, although it sounds like she's going to be very supportive of you which is awesome. Still, even if you a know a partner is going to love and accept your body, it can be hard to shake feelings of self-consciousness that have probably been hanging around your brain for years. Do you have a sense of what in particular makes you self-conscious about being naked? Is it that you feel like you'll compare your body to hers, or something else? And can you think of things that you, or she, could try to help decrease some of that self-consciousness?

[Volleygirl22]

Oh definitely that I feel like I’ll compare my body to hers. Comparing is something I do a lot :/

[Sam W]

Got it, and I totally get where you're coming from. We learn from a young age to compare our bodies to the bodies of others, and that can make it so hard to feel comfortable showing your body to someone you think is more attractive than you are (not to mention how weird it can make you feel about your body in general). Something you could try is, when you notice things about her body, notice and appreciate them without comparing them to your own body. For example, you could swap out a thought like, "her arms are so toned, and mine are so flabby" for something like, "her arms are so toned. Nice!" Does that feel like something you could try?

You could also try combating that self-consciousness in a more general way by checking out resources that are all about body positivity. If that's something that sounds interesting to you, we'd be happy to share some links and articles to get you started.

[Volleygirl22]

Yeah, I can definitely give that a shot. She keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about, from what she can see so far, and she says she knows she’ll same thing when she sees me naked. That kind of helps too. She’s being really supportive

[Sam W]

I'm so glad to hear that, and to hear that you two are doing some good communicating with each other about these worries. That kind of honestly can go a long way towards making sexual experiences happy and comfortable for everybody.

Is there anything else about this situation that you'd like advice or input about?

[Volleygirl22]

I think I’m okay for now, thanks Would it be alright if I follow up after we do it?

[Sam W]

You're quite welcome! And yep, you're welcome to follow-up or update us if you want to or if you need more advice.

[Heather]

One thing I just wanted to add is that talking with a partner about what you want and want to do not only tends to make doing it a lot easier, it's also something people who are or want to be sexual together really enjoy.

For instance, you can start talking to her now, asking her what she's looking forward to. You can say that one thing you really want is to initiate/ask for sexual things, and maybe even tell her what a couple of those things are. Chances are that will amp up the anticipation for you both and it also can help you get started on doing things you want to do, and being more comfortable with asking for them.

[Volleygirl22]

I do actually have one more question. Probably a stupid one. If it’s not something that’s okay to ask here, I apologize. But I mentioned to her that I’ve had trouble with orgasms in the past. Along the lines of I’ve never had one. Never even have any luck giving myself one. She said we could try scissoring and see if that gets me anywhere. Can I ask what that is? Does it actually work for people or is it something that works for some, but not others?

[Sam W]

Not a silly question at all, as not everyone is familiar with scissoring. It's basically a position that allows two people with vulvas to rub their genitals together for stimulation. Some couples do this by interlocking their legs in a way that looks like two pairs of scissors interlocking, which is where the name comes from. If you're having trouble picturing it, try making a V with your fingers on each hand and then slotting those Vs together. Some people do find the position to be pleasurable, while others do not. If you're curious about it or excited to try it, it can be something the two of you explore together, but it won't automatically lead to an orgasm (which is something we can say about pretty much all types of sexual activity).

[Volleygirl22]

We did it! Thanks so much for the help!

[Volleygirl22]

It was amazing

[Heather]

I'm so delighted for you! Hooray for wonderful and watershed sexual experiences!