Scarleteen

Hearing all these reports of men being revealed to have sexually assaulted someone has triggered some anxiety in me. I know most men aren’t abusers but what’s really scaring me is when people who knew the assaulters day that they never expected them to do that. It just makes me wonder if it can happen to that many people what if it happens to me? Most assaults are committed by people you know. And I’m not just afraid of being abused by someone I know but also finding out someone else was a victim. I know this is sort of paranoid to think about but at the same time I understand why I feel the way I do. I don’t know how to stop it. I suppose I could bring this up with my therapist next week but I feel like I’m kind of overreacting.

Hi thewrit3r,

I feel you on the anxiety that someone you know or someone you trust will try to assault you. It's a fear a lot of people internalize to some degree and things like the high profile sexual assault cases happening now can definitely increase that fear . It's hard not to feel like there are assaulters everywhere when you keep hearing stories about how assaulters are, in fact, everywhere. I don't really think it's an overreaction, it's more like your brain is trying to keep you safe in an world that has a lot of messed up stuff in it and sometimes it gets a little overzealous in doing so. Since it sounds like this is adding a lot of mental stress to your daily life, I would definitely bring it up with your therapist next week and see if the two of you can come up with some strategies for managing it.

I wish I had a good solution for how to shake the feeling of "what if this happens to me," but I think the way people manage that feeling is very personal, based on what things make them feel safe or more in control of the world around them. Something that's helped me is making the decision to trust my gut, even if I can't rationally explain to someone what's happening. For example, is a guy at a social event is giving me a weird vibe? Time to put as much distance between me and him as possible. I know that's not a guarantee that nothing bad will be done to me (sadly, nothing is), but it does help me feel I have some control over my environment. Does that make sense?

When you say you worry about finding out someone else was a victim, do you mean you worry about finding out someone was assaulted? Or is it more that you worry that you'll find out someone you know assaulted someone else?

Thanks for replying. Yeah, I think it would be good for me to tell her. I’m just nervous; I’ve never brought up anything this serious and intimate with my therapist before. But I’ve had her for awhile and am starting to feel more comfortable with her. I know I can bring it up with her, it’s just the initial fear of opening up I have to overcome.

That makes sense. Sometimes I just have a hard time trusting myself. On the plus side I’m taking a self defense class at my university next semester, so I hope that will build up my confidence.

And to answer the second question, I’m more worried that I will find out that someone I know was an assaulter. It just makes me question my judgement if people met someone they trusted but then found out they did a terrible thing like sexually assaulting someone.

You know, I think one of the toughest parts of all of this is that everyone should probably assume they DO know or have known at least someone who has been or will be abusive to someone else, and that probably includes sexual abuse or assault. As someone who knew that as a truth for as long as I knew anything, I know I come to this from a radically different place than someone like you is right now, so I recognize your process with this has its own challenges.

It's a horrible truth, it really, really is -- I get it -- but I also think it is simply a reality, particularly given how wide people's social nets are these days. Anyone never knowing someone who has engaged in abuse simply strikes me as profoundly unlikely unless someone only ever interacts with a few people throughout their lives.

It might help to remember that abusive people are often very manipulative people who are very good at deception. So, when someone trusts someone and has that trust betrayed by that person being abusive to them or someone else, that isn't about the person who assumed safety being stupid or having bad judgment (gee thanks, rape culture, for those awful victim-blamey ideas). It's about abusive people often being very good at this part of abuse: it's about the abuser's failings, not about failings of anyone they victimized or fooled.

For me, the real issue with this when you're coming to recognize that this is just a likely reality -- knowing someone who has abused or is abusing at some point -- is about figuring out what you can, want and need to do for yourself in order to process and then live with/respond to it.

I think talking with a therapist about how all of this makes you feel less safe in the world is an excellent thing to talk about, and I guarantee you therapists across America (and other places) have been talking about all of the feelings all of this is bringing up for so many people: you aren't the only one feeling this way, for whom this all feels an incredible blow, who is trying to make sense of it all.