Scarleteen

Hiya everyone,

I've got a bit of an issue with a guy I added on Facebook. I don't know him too well, but he's room-mates with a few of my friends, so when he sent me a friend request, I accepted.

Since then, he's basically been pestering me periodically by sending me messages like: Hey, how's your day been? What are you up to this weekend? etc. etc.
The first few times, I had a bit of a chat with him but quickly realised he wasn't somebody I was interested in dating or being friends with. He drinks heavily every weekend, smokes and does drugs, so while I don't judge him, I'm just not interested because we're not compatible.

But as the messages got more incessant, I also realised that he was probably interested in me in a "more than friendly" way, especially since I broke up with my boyfriend and changed my relationship status. I stopped replying to his messages, deleting them each time, and basically just ignoring him. I never said to leave me alone, but he seemed to get the hint for a while... at least until I changed my profile pic. I put him on restricted access so that he can't see anything I post anymore, though still thinks he is "friends" with me.

Then, I started getting a bit concerned. Somehow he managed to track me down on Okcupid, even though I don't use my real name there. I was pretty afraid when I saw his message there... it's starting to get a bit scary. He now knows I'm dating and just ignoring him, which is probably going to annoy him.

The reason I'm afraid to block him on Facebook is that we're in the same social circle of artists/musicians, and we all go to and play at the same events around town. My fear is that he will approach me at a gig, or in a public bathroom, or otherwise get me alone. He's never even made threats, but I desperately want to avoid any situation where he is there. I'm basically concerned to go to events alone, like I used to.

I also really want to block him, but doing so means that I won't know which events he's going to. This, combined with possibly angering him (I don't know what he's capable of since I've never met him) or having him talk about me to mutual friends and potentially ruin my reputation, is a dilemma I'm faced with right now.

Thanks in advance. I'm not sure what to do...

I think the best first thing to do is to tell him, politely but clearly, to stop messaging you or otherwise contacting you. That means you will have made your wishes and position very clear, and you can know for sure that He knows your wishes and position, too.

Keep a copy of that message, and keep any communication he sends to you.

It was a smart move to restrict his access to knowing about your life. I understand feeling the need to keep tabs on someone who's worrying you, but particularly as you say you've never met him, are you sure it's in your best interests to keep the social media connection with him and keep track of where he's going to be? Thinking so much about his movements and attendence at events sounds like a big intrusion into your brain-space and into your life, and it's not like you need more of that, when his messages are clearly feeling quite intrusive enough.

Mutual friends can be a bit tricky in these kinds of situations. Do you have friends - who aren't particularly his friends - who would go with you to these events who you think would be supportive of you? If so, it would probably help to let them know what's happened, that you don't want contact with him and that you've told him to stop contacting you (once you have). It might help you feel more secure to have someone around who knows the situation and who'd be in your corner to help if you ever needed it. I'm not sure what you mean by "ruin your reputation" - can you explain a bit what your concern is with that?

Your question made me think of this advice column at Captain Awkward: http://captainawkward.com/2012/06/26/28 ... -about-it/ It's not quite the same situation, but I think there's still some good advice there, in the main response and in the comments. I think the "step 2" advice may be particularly relevant to you, with the addition from the comments that it's usually not a good idea to say to somene in this situation "I enjoyed chatting with you", because any opening to misinterpret - or wilfully misinterpret - your communication or wishes isn't helpful to you.

Gosh, that sounds like a tough situation. You don't want him to be a part of your life and he keeps trying to push in but you feel like you need to keep tabs on him for your safety. It seems like he is being casually aggressive and might not even know that he is really bothering you. I think it's important to know your boundaries and to let people who are bothering you know your limits as well. You can tell a trustworthy mutual friend about this and maybe they'll give you some insight about him (whether it is out of character or something that he has done and gone too far with in the past) and maybe they can bring it up with him or you can send him a note saying that you don't feel comfortable remaining in contact with him or that you are trimming your online friend list down to people who you are familiar with in your life. If you don't feel safe and are worried about what else he might do, call up a friend to come over and keep the correspondence between you if you do need to go to the police.

You know your situation better than anyone else. Good luck to you!