Scarleteen

Whether a pregnancy was wanted or intended or not, the loss of a pregnancy -- be it via miscarriage or abortion -- can be tough to go through. If you need a place to talk about it, we can do that with you here.

Note: we often have users coming in not sure if they experienced miscarriage or not. The easiest way to figure that out is to take or get a pregnancy test. Pregnancy tests will show positive for usually at least a few weeks, and often longer, if someone has recently been pregnant.

As an additional note, if you have recently miscarried but have not sought out any healthcare, it is strongly advised you do. Sometimes miscarriage does not completely clear the contents of the uterus, which can cause some serious health problems. It's important, after miscarriage, to be sure you do not need a D&C or other care to remain healthy.

I'm kind of hoping someone else here has experienced loss, and people just aren't comfortable talking about it. Either way, here I go.

I'm queer, which for me translates to being attracted to all genders other than men. I've been in love with a girl who I met in tenth grade who wound up with an older guy - wouldn't you know it, the same guy who asked repeatedly for my number and I tried to shake off for the first month of high school. She and I had been romantically and physically involved behind his back, on and off, for quite some time. Eventually, she came up with the idea of asking him for a threesome. I agreed, despite being scared of him and not wanting him to touch me at all, because it meant a night of being with her. Being queer and having never touched a penis at this point, birth control didn't even come into my mind until it was much, much too late.

Fast forward six weeks or so, I wound up in the hospital. I have ongoing mental health issues and was having a particularly difficult time. They asked me to take a pregnancy test and I did, more to appease the nurses than to prove anything - I was sure I wasn't pregnant. Sure enough, it was positive. At my first appointment, the ultrasound showed I was having twins.

I consider the girl more of a mother to the babies than the guy was a father. Even still, together we considered our options - he was fairly forceful toward abortion, whereas I considered adoption. I eventually settled on parenting. I was preparing as best I could - I had just turned 17 and had to find my first job, learn to drive, and begin pricing out baby items. I signed up with tons of companies and a few charities. Buying maternity clothing was a huge problem, I got big so fast!

We learned I was having two girls and that one, twin B, had various health problems - a heart block, Potter's Syndrome, and spina bifida. Her life expectancy was only a few minutes. Twin A was healthy. That was terrifying in itself - would I be raising a twinless twin? My relationship with both of the babies' other parents dwindled at this time, and I felt very alone.

In the second trimester, I began having horrible cramping. I knew what was going on but refused to let myself admit it. I called my midwife and she told me she'd have a look at my appointment the next day. In the meantime, I prepared myself. I knew I was going to lose my babies. I bought a build-a-bear and used the recording of their heartbeats as a sound chip, so when I press the bear's paw I can hear it. I took the bear to my appointment the next day. My midwife examined me and suddenly, it all became too real. I was in labor.

Maeve and Eleanor were born on August 7, 2014. Maeve lived for several minutes in my arms and Eleanor was born still.

I miss my beautiful girls with all my heart. The hardest part of everything was going back to school afterwards - everyone either wanted to ignore the fact that I'm a mother, or talk incessantly about the loss. I preferred the talking to the silence, but I still heard it way too much. The "I'm sorry"s, the insincerity. I gave up the year in October and began homeschooling. Losing my children is the hardest thing I've ever been through.

Indeed, that sounds like one of the hardest things a person can go through, and a tremendous loss. I am so glad that you have been able to survive it and come out on the other side. By all means, too, the limited narratives and ideas about what makes someone a mother must have made, and probably still make, this so much harder for you. I'm sorry that you've had such a hard time being heard, understood and validated in something so huge and hard: that is terrible.

Please know that be it in this thread or elsewhere, if, now or later, you ever want or need some extra support with any of this, we are certainly available and will be glad to hold that space for you.