Scarleteen

I came out to my mom many times in the past. I came out as lesbian which I am. But she never took that seriously. I came out as agender. Which she didn't take seriously either. Recently I came out as nonbinary gender again. I explained it to her and sent her links to websites. She still doesn't believe me. Whenever I try to talk to her about it she becomes angry and ignores me. She doesn't even try to understand me.
I feel like she doesn't love me anymore.

I have a older sister who is always giving me mean looks and says mean comments to me. She hates me because I am attracted to girls.
I have another sister who hates me for being attracted to girls too. I feel like I can't talk to her either.

I cannot talk to my family about my gender or sexuality. I have no friends online or in real life. I don't attend school or have a job.

I have really bad socializing problems and I have anxiety and depression and hear voices. I have been bullied by other people throughout my life.

Has anyone else been bullied?

I am doubting my gender identity all the time. How do know if it's real? How do I know if I want to be a boy for real or if I am just doing this to fit in with others or because I was bullied?

I have always felt different from other people for my whole life. When I was a child, I hated wearing makeup. Makeup bothers me and it's just too much and it feels fake. When I was a teenager I hated wearing skinny jeans and I still do. I hate wearing tight clothing. I have trouble making friends with girls and guys. But it's easier talking to guys on the Internet. As a child and teenager I never was interested in jewelry or hairstyles or talking about periods or gossiping or talking about anything girly.

Does anyone else have social anxiety and is nonbinary?

As teenager I never was interested in dating anyone. I never was interested in talking about boys.

How do I know if I am a butch lesbian? Do butch lesbians hate being women too? What are the signs that you are butch?

I am extremely depressed every day now. I get anxious whenever my mom calls me cute or pretty or beautiful. She just makes me more anxious. I am depressed because no one understands me and no one ever will.
My mom keeps calling me confused and saying it's all a phase. I feel miserable and trapped inside this situation.

I hate my chest because it is too big and I want it to be flat..I have been hating my chest for two years now.

I have no money to buy men's clothing for myself. My mom won't buy the clothes for me.

So am I just stuck this way forever?
Stuck with girls clothes and long hair and breasts forever?

I hate myself and I hate my life.

I know this is a very long post but please answer my questions and talk to me please someone.

Hey there.

I don't know if we will have any more staff in today, and I already left for the day (and am in transit, or else I would talk with you!).

But I just wanted you to know I saw this - and I see you - and if no one else comes in tonight, myself or another staff member will for sure answer you here first thing tomorrow. I feel confident we can help you out some so that you don't have to keep feeling so hopeless, unseen, unaccepted and isolated.

Heather wrote:Hey there.

I don't know if we will have any more staff in today, and I already left for the day (and am in transit, or else I would talk with you!).

But I just wanted you to know I saw this - and I see you - and if no one else comes in tonight, myself or another staff member will for sure answer you here first thing tomorrow. I feel confident we can help you out some so that you don't have to keep feeling so hopeless, unseen, unaccepted and isolated.

Hello and thank you

Hi confusedhuman,

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low right now, and that your family is so unsupportive of you and your identity. It can majorly suck when you share something so personal only to have people react angrily and tell you it's a phase. There's a lot of different things to tackle in your question, so I'm going to start with a few of them and we can work from there (and, of course, if there is a particular issue you want to focus on please let me know).

You mention dealing with a lot of mental health stuff, some of which sounds like it's been going on for some time. Are you currently receiving, or have you received in the past, any kind of mental healthcare to support you in managing those feelings? If so, can you give me a sense of how much you've shared your family's reaction to your identity with that mental healthcare provider?

When it comes to your identity, the first thing I want to say is that it is absolutely okay to not have it completely pinned down or to still be working out exactly what identities feel right to you. If you want to read about that in more detail, I highly recommend this article: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gende ... e_a_bummer . It does, however, sound like at least some of your doubts and feelings are coming from how unsupportive your family is being. What I want to say to that is: they don't actually get a vote here. If agender feels right to you, then you get to identify that way. Too, you mention a worry that you're doing this to "fit in" or because you were bullied. It might help to think about how, if the need to fit in was the only thing driving this choice, it's unlikely that you would have settled on an identity that is still viewed as being outside of the norm. Does that make sense?

As to your question about butch lesbians, I can't speak from personal experience because that's not how I identify. However, most of the butch lesbians I know do not dislike being women, it's more that they feel that stereotypical markers of femininity are so not for them. I have known a few people who went from identifying as butch lesbians to identifying as trans men or as nonbinary, because as they learned more about themselves and their feelings they realized that those identities felt more right to them than being butch lesbians did.

Sam W wrote:Hi confusedhuman,

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low right now, and that your family is so unsupportive of you and your identity. It can majorly suck when you share something so personal only to have people react angrily and tell you it's a phase. There's a lot of different things to tackle in your question, so I'm going to start with a few of them and we can work from there (and, of course, if there is a particular issue you want to focus on please let me know).

You mention dealing with a lot of mental health stuff, some of which sounds like it's been going on for some time. Are you currently receiving, or have you received in the past, any kind of mental healthcare to support you in managing those feelings? If so, can you give me a sense of how much you've shared your family's reaction to your identity with that mental healthcare provider?

When it comes to your identity, the first thing I want to say is that it is absolutely okay to not have it completely pinned down or to still be working out exactly what identities feel right to you. If you want to read about that in more detail, I highly recommend this article: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gende ... e_a_bummer . It does, however, sound like at least some of your doubts and feelings are coming from how unsupportive your family is being. What I want to say to that is: they don't actually get a vote here. If agender feels right to you, then you get to identify that way. Too, you mention a worry that you're doing this to "fit in" or because you were bullied. It might help to think about how, if the need to fit in was the only thing driving this choice, it's unlikely that you would have settled on an identity that is still viewed as being outside of the norm. Does that make sense?

As to your question about butch lesbians, I can't speak from personal experience because that's not how I identify. However, most of the butch lesbians I know do not dislike being women, it's more that they feel that stereotypical markers of femininity are so not for them. I have known a few people who went from identifying as butch lesbians to identifying as trans men or as nonbinary, because as they learned more about themselves and their feelings they realized that those identities felt more right to them than being butch lesbians did.

Hello thank you so much for replying.
I currently see a psychiatrist. I take medications for depression and anxiety. I used to see a therapist two years ago but not anymore. I have not told my doctors about my gender and sexuality. I don't think they would understand me at all and I'm afraid they would judge me.

I will check out the article. I understand and yes that makes sense.

I have more questions.

Can someone with social anxiety, can they be nonbinary?

How do I know if I have dysphoria?
Is it normal to start having dysphoria as an adult but not have had it as a child or teenager?

You're quite welcome! I'm glad that you're at least receiving some mental healthcare and have some help managing your mental health. If it's something you'd find helpful, would you like some resources on finding a therapist who is explicitly LGBTQ friendly? That might give you another place you could get support, as well as a safe space to discuss all the stuff that's going on in your life, rather than feeling like you need to give an incomplete picture of what you're dealing with out of fear of discrimination.

For your first question, the answer is yes. A person can be both nonbinary and have social anxiety (or any other mental health issue). Those two qualities do not cancel each other out. As for gender dysphoria, knowing that you have it is a tricky, because it's going to feel different based on the individual. Some people feel a very strong, "yep, I am not happy at all with these bits of my body" while others may feel a mild sense that something is just "off" about the way they feel in their body. You can read more about that variety of feelings in this article from our Trans Summer School series (you may find the whole series helpful right now): Trans Summer School: What's the Deal With Gender? . And yes, some people identify their dysphoria at an early age, while others realize it later in life. There is not an expiration date on figuring it out, and someone who realizes they have gender dysphoria at age 30 is no less valid than someone who realizes it at age 10.

Sam W wrote:You're quite welcome! I'm glad that you're at least receiving some mental healthcare and have some help managing your mental health. If it's something you'd find helpful, would you like some resources on finding a therapist who is explicitly LGBTQ friendly? That might give you another place you could get support, as well as a safe space to discuss all the stuff that's going on in your life, rather than feeling like you need to give an incomplete picture of what you're dealing with out of fear of discrimination.

For your first question, the answer is yes. A person can be both nonbinary and have social anxiety (or any other mental health issue). Those two qualities do not cancel each other out. As for gender dysphoria, knowing that you have it is a tricky, because it's going to feel different based on the individual. Some people feel a very strong, "yep, I am not happy at all with these bits of my body" while others may feel a mild sense that something is just "off" about the way they feel in their body. You can read more about that variety of feelings in this article from our Trans Summer School series (you may find the whole series helpful right now): Trans Summer School: What's the Deal With Gender? . And yes, some people identify their dysphoria at an early age, while others realize it later in life. There is not an expiration date on figuring it out, and someone who realizes they have gender dysphoria at age 30 is no less valid than someone who realizes it at age 10.

Yes I would like resources for a therapist. But I'm afraid of my mom might not take me to see them if she knows they're a lgbt therapist. How could I handle that situation if it happens?

I will check out the articles and thanks for being so nice to me.

You're very welcome, and I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough in this space to come in and ask for support. That's an awesome, but sometimes intimidating, step in taking care of yourself.

As for finding a therapist, these two resources are explicitly LGBTQA friendly and they offer options for accessing care online: https://www.talkspace.com/online-therapy/lgbt/
https://www.pridecounseling.com/start/? ... go&go=true
You can also narrow your options down by looking for an in-person therapist. You can do that with an online search for "lgbt friendly therapists in (name of your area here)" and seeing what comes up. With your mom, my recommendation is to avoid telling her if at all possible, since she's made it very clear that she is not supportive of you when it comes to your identity. Going with one of the online options may also help you bypass this issue, since you wouldn't need her help in getting to an appointment. If you find an in-person therapist who you think is potentially a good fit and your mom decides she's not going to take you, then we can help you troubleshoot getting to the appointment on your own. How does that all sound?

Sam W wrote:You're very welcome, and I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough in this space to come in and ask for support. That's an awesome, but sometimes intimidating, step in taking care of yourself.

As for finding a therapist, these two resources are explicitly LGBTQA friendly and they offer options for accessing care online: https://www.talkspace.com/online-therapy/lgbt/
https://www.pridecounseling.com/start/? ... go&go=true
You can also narrow your options down by looking for an in-person therapist. You can do that with an online search for "lgbt friendly therapists in (name of your area here)" and seeing what comes up. With your mom, my recommendation is to avoid telling her if at all possible, since she's made it very clear that she is not supportive of you when it comes to your identity. Going with one of the online options may also help you bypass this issue, since you wouldn't need her help in getting to an appointment. If you find an in-person therapist who you think is potentially a good fit and your mom decides she's not going to take you, then we can help you troubleshoot getting to the appointment on your own. How does that all sound?

Sounds good. Thank you for the resources. Thank you.

You're so very welcome! If there's other resources you'd like help finding, or other things you need support around, you're more than welcome to ask and we'll try to help out in whatever way we can.