Are There Ways That You Know of For People to Stop Romanticising Unhealthy Relationships?

[HoneyandVinegar]

This is my first post and I apologise for breaking any of the rules. I'm sure that, if you frequent the board, you might feel tired of hearing that though. Currently, I would say that I am not romantically involved with anyone. Additionally, I try to learn tips and advice about handling relationships and other matters of importance. I would like to think that I have some awareness of help resources and the processes, methods, and pre-dispositions by which abuse occurs and is maintained.

Although I generally enjoy seeing and thinking about healthy relationships and my ability to maintain them at present, I know from experience that handling unhealthy partners is more difficult than it appears to be, however considerate I am trying to be towards myself and others. My question is this: How do I abort or prevent myself from becoming more involved in an unhealthy relationship, when I see red flags? Additionally, I know that unhealthy relationships, especially as they are presented in the media, can be appealing. Is there any way to snap myself out of the mindset that I might enjoy abuse? Thank you.

[HoneyandVinegar]

(I accidentally quoted my own post because I didn't realise that you can't edit questions -- I am 15-years-old)

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards.

It would help to know how this has gone for you.

For instance, you say that you need help not sticking around once you see signs a relationship is or may be unhealthy. You seem to also suggest that you feel some abusive things are appealing. can you tell me more about both of these things? What kind of patterns do you have so far with this?

[HoneyandVinegar]

Welcome to the boards.

It would help to know how this has gone for you.

For instance, you say that you need help not sticking around once you see signs a relationship is or may be unhealthy. You seem to also suggest that you feel some abusive things are appealing. can you tell me more about both of these things? What kind of patterns do you have so far with this?

I'm sorry for being offline for a while. Something that I've noticed is that I recognise a sign of abuse and I, either, believe that it's not real, I forget how to handle it, or I tell myself that it's not that bad. Then, again, sometimes I think that I don't know how to simply disengage. In other words, I worry about how to safely leave. In these relationships, I often bring up that I am uncomfortable and am immediately gaslighted.

How do you leave a relationship that you know is bad for you, if everyone else is gaslighting you or remains ignorant or uninformed? Sometimes, I think that I genuinely might like being in an unhealthy relationship, also. I don't know why that is. I know that it's unhealthy. Sometimes, I feel like I can't stand up for myself without feeling bad. Other times, I think that I view unhealthy relationship patterns (e.g., jealousy, etc.) as romantic because of the media and how I often don't see healthy ones. Would you know how to handle any of this?

Edit: If it matters, I've also noticed that I become, either, extremely quiet or passive-aggressive, when I'm meeting new people, and I believe that it's because I expect them to reject me. Therefore, I know that I can appear too passive or hostile, while I'm setting boundaries, although I am working on relaxing somewhat. I don't know if this is relevant. It's quite confusing really. I believe that it's because, again, I don't see many real, healthy relationships and, when I notice that I'm being rude, I swing in the opposite direction.

[Heather]

I'm curious: do you have life history before you started dating that involved any kind of abuse? In other words, would you say abuse has been at all normalized for you in your family or other contexts you grew up in?

One thing you say here is that feeling bad stops you from some healthy choices, so it sounds to me like part of this puzzle for you is probably just learning how to deal with feeling bad. We're going to sometimes; we can't live our lives doing everything to avoid those feelings, and generally, unless we have done someone real harm, they don't last very long anyway and aren't that hard to live with. How do you think your skills generally are when it comes to learning to just sit with and live with some temporary emotional discomfort?

We have some good basic resources about leaving something abusive on the site, if you'd like to take a peek at them as we have this conversation: The Scarleteen Safety Plan.