Scarleteen

So all of the questions seem to be about pregnancy and that so I don't know if I'm in the right place but here I go..

A few years ago, maybe four or five years ago, I discovered yaoi and gay shippings (For example; Larry Stylinson if you know what that is) and the whole lot of it. Now I know people think it's normal for fangirls to like/be interested in that stuff but I find myself to be different.

I am a straight female, age 15, and I want to be a gay male. I watch regular porn and stuff and I don't have a problem with it and in fact I can't get off to gay porn. It does make me feel good to watch it and I do like reading fan fiction a lot but I can't bring myself to do it. It's not that I'm disgusted or anything it's just I actually imagine myself in whichever persons place. I have thought about this quite a lot over the past years and even have dreams of it. Another thing is that I still like being feminine and my body the way it is besides a certain area. I don't really know what my question is now.. What should I do about it? How would I find someone romantically that would fit my situation?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Welcome to the boards, marmalade! Yep, you're in the right place

I just want to make sure that we understand you correctly. When you say you want to be a gay male, are you talking about multiple areas of your life, or are you meaning specifically in sexual situations? It's also perfectly ok if you're not sure.

I'm not quite sure is the thing. I like being female in certain aspects but when I imagine it I'm just a full on male. But if I was a gay male I'd be very feminine and stuff.. If that makes sense?

There's a really wide range of ways that people express their gender, regardless of orientation; plenty of gay men are femme-identified or feminine, just as many aren't. So that certainly makes sense to me.

It sounds like this might be something to spend a little more time thinking about, in terms of where this identity might fit into your life. Would you feel better if people in your daily life were using a different name or language for you, or otherwise treating you like a man? In an ideal world, how would you be presenting, clothing/gender-wise, and would your relationships with other people (romantic/sexual or not) be different?
These are pretty big questions, and maybe not things you know the answers to now, but that's ok! It can take a while to sort these things out, but maybe pondering and talking/journaling/just thinking about them in detail for a bit might help.

Have you ever looked at resources online for transgender or gender-questioning youth? That may be a good place to start, if you think learning more about other people's experiences might be helpful. We could find some links for you if that sounds helpful at all.

Thank you very much.. I think I will look some things up now. I guess it was all just building up and after I thought about it for that long, making this post was just the tip of the iceberg or whatever. And any links you could give me would be wonderful.

Hi Marmalade,

Good luck with your research

Some links you might find helpful:
Q is for Questioning
Genderpalooza! A Sex & Gender Primer

You may also want to check out "My Gender Workbook" by Kate Bornstein for more some reading about working out the gender identity or expression that feels right for you.