Problems getting hard/horny

[JustAperson]

Hi all, iam 22old male, and i have couple question and need a bit help. Maybe i just overthiking or it is just that kind of time in my life and etc.

* When i was still in school i remember getting hard just from girls around me or thinking about sex. There even was problems when i was sitting at class and was getting rly hard... but now without stimulation i cant get it anymore and its not so hard , and doesnt last long. (I Started masturbate pretty young ,maybe 14 and kinda daily. When i become i dunno 18, i was getting rly horny and started masturbate like 2-3 times a day witohut a problem.) Afcours it gets rly hard if i dont masturbate for some time but it just doesnt last so long. Its not rly bad , but i just lose that hornyes pretty fast.

* Now i founded a girlfriend , 3-4 months ago , she is not first timer and etc. and when we try to have sex , i just dont feel horny at that part and boner doesnt coming up , sometimes only a bit.For some reason i getting boners when we kissing at street or when sitting , but at bed its not coming up. I am rly interested in sex and want to do it , but iam just not so horny , i can see that when i kiss her and etc. that she just melting and when she kisses me anywhere i dont feel much. She is very sexy and beautifull. But when we want to try it ,and i rly want to do it , but i just not feeling horny , i even tryed to masturbate when i touching her , but it just not going well.

* We talked about it and etc. , she understands it and waits for me , at first it was bad for relationship becous she tough its becous of her , but when we talked it out , everything now is perfect but i dont want to live forever on foreplay

can all these problems be becouse too much masturbation and i should stop it or make big break from it? Or its mental things and i just need to wait more? Or it just a time in my life when it needs to happen and it happened in worst time?

[Heather]

It's unusual for people to have the same kind or level of sexual responses throughout all of life. It's also quite common to find that when it's all brand-brand new, and during the thick of puberty, to be much more easily aroused than even just a few years down the line. None of that is cause for concern.

For sure, if you're masturbating several times a day, you will probably find that if you cut back, you'll find yourself more sexually excited with a partner, so that's one (likely) easy thing you can do to see if it helps.

But I also can't tell if you have strong sexual feelings for -- or chemistry with -- your girlfriend. Just because we think someone is beautiful, or they meet a given set of standards for sexual appeal doesn't actually mean we'll have chemistry together or be sexually excited by or with them. Same goes for liking or loving people: sometimes those feelings happen with sexual attraction, but sometimes we have those feelings and aren't sexually interested. What do you think about that? Is this someone you started a sexual relationship with because you were, a few months ago, very sexually turned on by her? Or is it more about other kinds of interest in her (like romantic feelings or just really liking her as a person), or her simply being available to you?

[JustAperson]

It just that i not getting horny by anything so much to be honest, I can watch any kind of porn, or show with girls and i just dont feel that feel coming up and sometimes i think i just forcing it. So maybe making a break for some time will help.

At first it was kinda becous she was available and nice looking, but after couple dates i rly rly started to like her as person and i have interest in her thinking and etc. and if we talking about sexually turned on , if i tease or something , like grab her butt and etc., i feel that feeling coming , i feeling getting boner but it doesnt getting so strong as it should be and it doest stays for any long. Its like i start getting horny but it just doesnt reatch that point that would be enough.

And like i said , just kissing her when sitting only both of uss , i was getting boners without a problems , but when iam in bed i just doest feel the same .

[Sam W]

Hi JustAperson,

So, from what it sounds like, there is some sexual attraction or chemistry between you and your partner. You mention different activities, like kissing while sitting together, that you find make you aroused and give you an erection. When those moments happen, do you and your partner go with the momentum of them and try being sexual in the situation? Or do one or both of you generally pull back?

The reason I ask is that it sounds like something that might be helpful is to do some rescripting of sex for yourself, as that can help you break patterns that are no longer working for you and introduce you to ones that do work for you. For instance, if sitting up somehow works better than being in bed, then there's no need to try the bed just because it's where you feel you're "supposed" to have sex. Can you give me a sense of how much you and she have tried experimenting with different types of sexual pleasure, including ones that focus on stimulating parts of you other than your penis?

[JustAperson]

Mmm... you have a point here , we kinda just tease each other around , and thats makes me pretty horny/getting erection , but and we end with it. Same was today , teasing eatch other for like good couple ours , and i wa aroused plenty/getting erection but we left it in the end. So i will try to use it next time.

We try sexual interaction only after movies and simila activities that involves bed.
She in the mood/''wet'' gets rly fast. She tryes to kiss my neck,chest,niples, rubing but i just dont get aroused. Other than that we didnt tried much for me.

[Heather]

You keep talking about what does or doesn't get you aroused. I wonder if we can't go one step back: does any of this, or just being around her, create feelings of sexual desire for you, regardless of how your body does or doesn't respond?

[JustAperson]

Touching her and then seeing reaction of her body , thats whats brings these feelings.

[Heather]

Okay. So maybe part of this puzzle is that you are someone more turned on my pleasing your partner and focusing on their body than by a focus on you and yours?

That's a common thing, and if that sounds about right, something you can take into consideration with all of this, and also let her know about. That way, you two can focus on that more and see where it leads you.