When You Don't Want to Have Sex (Yet. Or ever.)

[Heather]

Are you choosing not to engage in sex with a partner, or limit what kinds of sex you are having with others in some way?

As you hopefully already know, it is always just as okay to choose NOT to be sexual with others as it is to choose to be sexual with others, for any reason, whether that's about religious beliefs, not wanting the stress sex with others can involve, asexuality, needing a certain kind of relationship or relationship benchmark first, going through illness or other struggles that make sex on top of all that just feel like too freaking much, disabilities, or just not feeling it.

However, we've often had users making these choices voice struggles in feeling supported in that, and feel like they're short others who can back them up that yep, sex should always get to be a choice, including the choice not to engage in sex.

So, here's a place to talk about any of this should you need!

[magentakitty]

Yes... just reading this as I joined the boards. Have to comment as this is a topic near to my heart and to encourage you that if this is on your heart, it's possible, and so rewarding to wait! I just turned 25 and got married a few months ago. I always knew for religious and personal convictions that I wanted my first sexual experience to be on my wedding night. I grew up in a conservative background, was homeschooled, and therefore many people had the same views, so that made it easier. I never questioned it. I never dated until age 19, and we only kissed, not much more. Although it was clearly not the best relationship, my ex-BF (my only exBF) was respectful and had the same boundaries as me. It was never a question if we were going to have sex before marriage. We just didn't. I think that sex can cause emotional connectedness as it really joins people together (it was designed to do this), so it made it easier to break it off when it was time. I honestly never had that much temptation to have sex as a teen (i had at one time toyed around with the idea that maybe i was asexual but i see now that this is not the case... just wasn't interested in dating at the time; and that's OK!!! actually a blessing cause i didn't get myself into any bad relationships before being emotionally ready). I just knew that sex was just something I wouldn't do. I'm thankful for that. I didn't have to worry about the emotional issues that come w/ having sex and breaking up, or STDs, or pregnancy.

Then I met my future husband at age 21, only a few months after I broke up w/ my ex. We were very attracted to each other right away. We became best friends and started dating. He too had my convictions about sex, and we knew we wanted to wait. Over time we felt like each other's other half, and then for the first time it suddenly seemed impossible to wait, and we started becoming more sexual w/ each other and eventually started playing around w/ each other which led to everything other than PIV. As you can imagine, w/ our convictions, we felt guilty and never felt completely comfortable w/ what we were doing and sometimes downright guilty, but it was Hard. Our sexual desire for each other was overwhelming. We got engaged after dating 2.5 years, and we would talk, cut back on the sexual stuff... but then we'd fall back into it as the desire was strong. This happened over and over, but we did our best to stay abstinent because of our values and never had intercourse.

Finally, on our wedding night 2.5 months ago we had intercourse for the first time. Lame excuse for virgins since we had done everything, but let me tell you... it was still so special, so magical to share that for the first time after our wedding. I can't imagine how amazing it would have been if we were able to stay true to our convictions and saved even more. To struggle with it and wait; together; and then to come together; we were both in tears as it was completely overwhelming.

These are just my views about sex... but it is a gift from God within a marriage relationship. A beautiful gift when shared w/ just that one person. To have a solid relationship, strong in every other way, the most secure type relationship (marriage), and then to add sex once all of that is in place is amazing. Some people say it's good to experiment with other people to get experience sexually and also to know what you like. There is nothing better than to learn with the one you will do it with forever. I don't ever once wish I had even one other partner; rather I feel grateful to have only been sexual w/ my husband (and wish we waited for everything else, but it is what it is). We get to learn together. I am happy to be inexperienced and get experienced w/ my husband.

Also, some people say what if it is terrible and you don't know; well, I didn't marry him because of the sex! Sex is an important part of marriage, but not the only part by Any means. You have a lifetime to improve on things... but let me tell you; most people were made to love sex, so chances are it will be good and even better because you are monogamous with your best friend in the world who loves and respects you. You deserve that.

Just wanted to write to share my experience and let you know that it is possible to wait. It takes sex and makes it a beautiful gift to share with one person. Something pricelessly valuable to be cherished. Not something to be played around with and thrown around. Just my views that I wanted to share

Liz

[Karyn]

Hey, Liz. It's great that you made a choice that felt right for you, and felt supported in that choice by your family and your partner. I do have to disagree, though, with a couple of the things you've said here.

Sex can help with emotional connection, sure, but saying that's what it was 'designed' for is iffy at best: it's certainly not the only thing that can increase emotional connection, and it doesn't have some magic power that nothing else does. Breaking up with a partner you've been sexual with is no more or less difficult than breaking up with a partner you haven't had sex with. There's also no evidence, as far as I'm aware, that monogamy all by itself makes sex more enjoyable; people can and do enjoy sex in all types of relationship arrangements, and have done so throughout history.

This isn't a criticism of your choice or your beliefs at all: like I said, it's fantastic that you were able to make a choice that was the right one for you and that you got plenty of support in making that choice. Obviously, as an org, we're 100% behind everyone being able to make and stick with choices that feel good for them. But, it's also part of our job to correct any misinformation when we see it, so thanks for being understanding of that.

[Mo]

When I had my first sexual relationship, it was with someone who'd had a few partners and sexual relationships before, and it came up pretty early on that he expected intercourse at some point and thought it "standard" for a relationship. It wasn't something I wanted at the time, and at the surface level he was mostly respectful of that, but he definitely exerted mild pressure on me to ignore or reframe boundaries I tried to set in our relationship. I might say "I'm ok with x happening but not y" and in the moment he'd just breeze on through that limit and start on y, and it felt fine so I wouldn't bring it up but would feel uncomfortable later.

This was a pattern that continued for quite a while, right up until I did feel ready for intercourse, and it didn't foster a feeling of safety that let me make decisions about sexual activity based only on what I felt comfortable with. To some extent I was weighing my desires against the frustration of dealing with his pouting or worrying that not having the one kind of sex he was most excited about would make him lose interest. It felt like intercourse was the price of admission to an Adult Relationship; certainly his opinion was that it was inevitable and that other kinds of sex we were having weren't "real."

[Sunshine]

While I discovered my own sexuality very early and got comfortable with my body before I fully knew what exactly I was doing, I didn't feel interest in having sex with someone else until I had my first serious boyfriend, whom I am still together with. And while I have always been A-okay with sex by myself, sex with a partner was a whole different story for me at first. There were almost two years between first holding hands and first having intercourse. And I personally am glad I didn't save my "first time" for a special occasion, because to tell the truth, it wasn't that great compared to what we have now (which is literally fucking awesome).

I am very glad that I met a person who was willing to accept my boundaries and go at my own pace. He didn't necessarily understand why I didn't want to do everything right away or why it was a big deal for me ("I don't get it - you're so not prude, why don't you want to...?"), but he respected my feelings all the same, and for that, I love him so much.

There are still times when I just don't want to have sex. I think it's to do with my natural hormonal cycle and there's nothing wrong with feeling that way. Other times I am really keen on it. I like to compare my attitude to sex to that I have towards food: I always think food is really great and necessary for my health, I am just not always hungry.

I've recently had a chat with Heather on the board here about the difficulties this causes for my relationship (thank you again, Heather, you were really very helpful!) and how it's often difficult to make clear that when I say no, I don't mean it as rejection of my partner or disapproval of his desire, I'm just trying to listen to my body. But we're still together and working on remaining together, so hey - all is basically well.

I'm not sure what I think about saving sex for marriage. On the one hand, I am monogamous myself and have never slept with anyone but the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's obviously my personal path. But so many of my friends and family have completely different sex lives and none of them is unhappy or has an STI or became pregnant against her will. One of my friends is asexual. One of my closest friends is gay and has a strictly non-sexual relationship with one woman while she sleeps with many other partners. Another friend will only agree to casual sex and doesn't want a relationship at all, and yet another is into her third relationship and has never voiced any regret that she wasn't a virgin when she found her true love. And we're all the same amount of happy, I'd say.

I wonder what the issue looks like from the side of a partner who wants sex or a specific sexual activity while the other person doesn't. I wonder how you deal with that, what makes you more accepting and what less. 'Cause I imagine it must be very frustrating.

[Heather]

I think one of the things that helps with feeling supported in this is reflected very well in Sunshine's second-to-last paragraph, and that's people making clear that ANY choices with this can potentially be good ones.

In other words, if people are lobbying for any one set of choices -- even if that set IS choosing not to have sex -- there's not a lot of room for a person to feel supported in their own choices and thoughts, especially since our thoughts and wants when it comes to sex and sexuality won't often stay the same over time, even if the choices we're making stay the same for a while.

On the other hand, if a person hears from the people around them, from any voices they're listening to, that whatever sexual choices they want to make are valid and okay so long as they feel like the best ones for them, and they feel right for them (and, if they are ever choosing to have sex with others, for any partners), it's pretty easy to feel supported.