Hope you're doing well.
I've been having major identity issues. I read online about gender identities and sexuality, and talked with a couple of my friends, who all said this place is full of wonderful people who know this stuff inside out. So here I am.
I have a male body (and male genitalia only), but I'm not sure about my gender or sexuality.
Looking at my past in hindsight, I see I've never quite been comfortable being pigeonholed as a boy. (And the word 'man' sounds outright ridiculous in my ears, when used to describe me.) Even though society has taught me (rather well) to talk and behave like men, deep inside I just don't feel male enough! I naturally feel unmanly, effeminate and rather gay (in the archaic sense).
I read quite a bit about the psychological differences between men and women, and I see myself consistently identifying with the latter, esp. with the way I'm inclined to think and behave naturally (as opposed to how I do end up in societal contexts). Here are a few facts about me that should hopefully make the previous statement clearer:
- When I was younger, I abhorred tussles (even playful ones) and displays of strength. I always preferred group play with the girls (although I hated dolls and loved toy cars). Even until now, I've never liked physical sports or activities (running, gymming, soccer etc.) and have always preferred math and talking to myself or a close friend, or lecturing to my imaginary students.
- I'd be hit and bullied alot, but I'd always go and cry in a corner rather than stand up for myself. (Sometimes I'd wet my pants in horror. ) Even now, sentimentality would be the apt word to describe me. Bad people, extreme anger and stressful situations almost immediately make me cry (for hours at times). I give up rather easily. I also shiver at the thought of responsibility for someone or some task.
- I need constant attention, adoration and appreciation. I love being praised and feel a literal pound in my heart when I feel desired or envied. I fancy people fighting over who gets to have me by their side. I love one-upmanship and to show myself as more attractive or smarter (esp. with those I know are more manly and more successful with girls). I love dressing up and having my photographs taken. In fact, a few people have commented that when I smile, it's as if my face glows distinctly.
- I have really good cognitive empathy (the glance and feel kind), and am quite good at picking up subtlety and reading between the lines.
- I get emotionally extremely attached to (the few) people I like -- so much so I'm not hesitant being unbecomingly physically close to even my male friends without feeling the slightest sexual urge. In fact, this behavior combined with my rather effeminate gait, voice tone, demeanor, facial animation and mannerisms, have had several people suspect if I'm gay. (Many have asked it to my face and I've been publicly mocked a few times.)
- As I grew up and began (subconsciously) registering the concept of attraction, I automatically began finding female company weird, even nauseatingly obnoxious. I'd be really scared whenever a girl came over to talk, standing there with my hands folded and voice quivering. (I even verbally gestured a girl away once when I was 15. ) As this happened, I found male company more and more comforting. (Plus, it really doesn't help matters that I only gained full puberty at 21!)
- Even after I did gain puberty and girls began hitting on me for real and I liked some of them (even getting sexually aroused), I could never muster the courage to touch them, let alone get cozy. (Not like I've ever touched a boy in that way, you know.) Even today, I get really uncomfortable when girls touch me. (It's kinda weird, though, that I've been having erections seeing healthy girls with glares on, ever since I was a child. And I've fancied real sex with both real-life girls and girls I saw on the Internet.)
- (This one's the weirdest part.) Occasionally (or rather, whenever I watch good porn or deeply ponder it), I almost always empathize more with the woman. When I imagine myself as the guy penetrating the girl, I find it forced and repellant. But as the girl, it feels far more natural, relaxing and pleasurable (esp. so when it's a good, hard fuck ). In fact, I've had a few man crushes too (never the sexual kind, though), esp. those I find particularly intelligent, confident and a little mysterious. During such moments, I have the overarching desire to have a delicate, tantalizing, female body.
Thanks so much for reading through. I love you.