Not sure if I'm gay, bi, trans or gender-fluid

[aswf]

Hello everyone,

Hope you're doing well.

I've been having major identity issues. I read online about gender identities and sexuality, and talked with a couple of my friends, who all said this place is full of wonderful people who know this stuff inside out. So here I am.

I have a male body (and male genitalia only), but I'm not sure about my gender or sexuality.

Looking at my past in hindsight, I see I've never quite been comfortable being pigeonholed as a boy. (And the word 'man' sounds outright ridiculous in my ears, when used to describe me.) Even though society has taught me (rather well) to talk and behave like men, deep inside I just don't feel male enough! I naturally feel unmanly, effeminate and rather gay (in the archaic sense).

I read quite a bit about the psychological differences between men and women, and I see myself consistently identifying with the latter, esp. with the way I'm inclined to think and behave naturally (as opposed to how I do end up in societal contexts). Here are a few facts about me that should hopefully make the previous statement clearer:

• When I was younger, I abhorred tussles (even playful ones) and displays of strength. I always preferred group play with the girls (although I hated dolls and loved toy cars). Even until now, I've never liked physical sports or activities (running, gymming, soccer etc.) and have always preferred math and talking to myself or a close friend, or lecturing to my imaginary students.
• I'd be hit and bullied alot, but I'd always go and cry in a corner rather than stand up for myself. (Sometimes I'd wet my pants in horror. ) Even now, sentimentality would be the apt word to describe me. Bad people, extreme anger and stressful situations almost immediately make me cry (for hours at times). I give up rather easily. I also shiver at the thought of responsibility for someone or some task.
• I need constant attention, adoration and appreciation. I love being praised and feel a literal pound in my heart when I feel desired or envied. I fancy people fighting over who gets to have me by their side. I love one-upmanship and to show myself as more attractive or smarter (esp. with those I know are more manly and more successful with girls). I love dressing up and having my photographs taken. In fact, a few people have commented that when I smile, it's as if my face glows distinctly.
• I have really good cognitive empathy (the glance and feel kind), and am quite good at picking up subtlety and reading between the lines.
• I get emotionally extremely attached to (the few) people I like -- so much so I'm not hesitant being unbecomingly physically close to even my male friends without feeling the slightest sexual urge. In fact, this behavior combined with my rather effeminate gait, voice tone, demeanor, facial animation and mannerisms, have had several people suspect if I'm gay. (Many have asked it to my face and I've been publicly mocked a few times.)
• As I grew up and began (subconsciously) registering the concept of attraction, I automatically began finding female company weird, even nauseatingly obnoxious. I'd be really scared whenever a girl came over to talk, standing there with my hands folded and voice quivering. (I even verbally gestured a girl away once when I was 15. ) As this happened, I found male company more and more comforting. (Plus, it really doesn't help matters that I only gained full puberty at 21!)
• Even after I did gain puberty and girls began hitting on me for real and I liked some of them (even getting sexually aroused), I could never muster the courage to touch them, let alone get cozy. (Not like I've ever touched a boy in that way, you know.) Even today, I get really uncomfortable when girls touch me. (It's kinda weird, though, that I've been having erections seeing healthy girls with glares on, ever since I was a child. And I've fancied real sex with both real-life girls and girls I saw on the Internet.)
• (This one's the weirdest part.) Occasionally (or rather, whenever I watch good porn or deeply ponder it), I almost always empathize more with the woman. When I imagine myself as the guy penetrating the girl, I find it forced and repellant. But as the girl, it feels far more natural, relaxing and pleasurable (esp. so when it's a good, hard fuck ). In fact, I've had a few man crushes too (never the sexual kind, though), esp. those I find particularly intelligent, confident and a little mysterious. During such moments, I have the overarching desire to have a delicate, tantalizing, female body.

Yeah, that's it I guess. (The last two points are the most important.) Please help with my gender and sexual identity. How should I label myself? And how should I lead my life further?

Thanks so much for reading through. I love you.

[Sam W]

Hi aswf, and welcome to Scarleteen!

So, there are a few different things to address here and a few different ways we can take this conversation. I'm going to start with a couple of them and we can see where the conversation goes from there.

The first thing to know is that it's ultimately up to you to decide what label (or labels) feel right to you and what life changes (if any) you want to make based upon those labels. We can certainly offer you advice or support, but how you identify is a choice that gets to be 100% yours. It does sound like you feel as though the gender you were assigned at birth isn't accurate. If you've been reading about various gender identities, have there been ones that felt like they matched what you were feeling? For example, does something like genderfluid feel like it fits you better than a more binary identity? If you haven't already, you may also want to check out this article from our Trans Summer School series (the whole series may be helpful to you, but this piece addresses some of the questions you seem to have right now): Trans Summer School: What's the Deal With Gender?

Another thing to keep in mind is that your sexual orientation and your gender identity are two separate categories. One has to do with who you're attracted to, while the other has to do with how you feel about your own body and identity. So if you're trying to figure out your sexual orientation, it helps to thin about which genders you find yourself interested in dating. Taking a look at this article, are there any sexual orientations that strike you as matching your feelings? The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone

One other thing to know is that some of the behaviors you describe are ones that aren't actually as gendered as they first seem. For example, plenty of cisgender men have high levels of empathy or want to be the center of attention and adoration, and plenty of cisgender women struggle with empathy or aren't particularly interested in being the center of attention. That's why the idea of a "male" and "female" brain isn't as useful as it first appears to be (especially given that there's some scientific debate over whether those terms are even accurate). I don't bring this up to discredit your feelings in any way, but more to point out that the most effective way of working out your gender identity is to focus on what feels right to you, rather than on how your behaviors line up with beliefs about men and women.

[aswf]

Hi Sam,

Thank you for replying promptly.

I read up the articles you pointed me to, and pondered my own system a little more during the day. (I watched a few more straight sex videos too.) I think I'm much clearer now with my gender identity. Some confusion exists around my sexual orientation, though.

I'm pretty sure my gender is female. Also, I'm really submissive and usually attracted to potentially dominant partners (which likely indicates I unconsciously look for partners who are stern, intelligent, confident and potential protectors like my father).

The confusion around my sexual orientation, however, is that I've been at least momentarily attracted to both men and women. In real life, I've been sexually attracted to (usually potentially dominant) women alone. However, I experience intense desire to be penetrated by some sexually dominant men in videos I watch, but only with a female body myself. Besides, I've had the occcasional urge to dominate a few submissive women.

So the only thing I can say about my sexual orientation is I'm orientated toward submitting to dominant partners, with the occasional urge to dominate a few submissive ones (women only).

Yeah, that's as far as I am. Would appreciate you helping me with the remaining deal.

Thanks again. You're lovely. Muahh.

[Sam W]

Hi aswf,

I'm glad some of the readings have been helpful to you! With your questions about your sexual orientation, I think a good starting place is to tease out your feelings about dominance and submission from your attraction to different genders to see if that helps clarify things for you. When we think about dominance and submission in relation to sex, it helps to keep in mind that those two factors are not always present in a sexual interaction and, when they are present, they aren't inherently tied to gender. Many people prefer to not have a power exchange in their sexual relationships, and so dominance and submission don't really come in to the picture. For those who are interested in power exchanges, dominance has less to do having/using a penis (or a penis shaped object) and more to do with who is "controlling" the interaction. Partners of all genders can enjoy being submissive, and partners of all genders can enjoy being dominant. Does that make sense?

Keeping those ideas in mind, do I have it right that you experience sexual attraction to men and women? If so, many people would refer to that as being pansexual or bisexual. Do either of those terms feel like they fit for you?

[aswf]

Hi again Sam,

Given the definition of the term bisexual, I'm sure I could trivially identify as that -- but that's beside the point. I mean sure, I am attracted to both men and women, but there are certain power patterns involved therein.

The point I'm making here is even though I've been attracted to either sex (although sexually so to women alone) and either role (dominance or submission), I'm largely attracted to potentially dominant women (ones who would be able to lead me both in life and in bed), less so to (any) men or feminine women (who I deem submissive), and never to submissive men.

The other odd part is that when I imagine myself inhabiting my own body, I wish to be dominated by (or occasionally, dominate) a woman only (i.e. I have severe distaste for male gay sex of any kind), whereas when I imagine myself inhabiting a female body, I wish to either be dominated by a man or dominate a woman only.

As such, why do I choose identify as a woman, and not remain aligned with the sex I was born with? Perhaps because it feels like the right state of being (w.r.t. power, emotions and just the fact that I love feeling soft, coy and emotionally overwhelmed).

I'm not sure I came across clearly there. Please tell me if that's indeed so.

Thanks again.

[Heather]

Hey there.

I am feeling a little lost about what you’re looking for from us with this. Obviously, we can’t take any or all of these details and tell you what your sexual identity is, as Sam said, because that’s yours and only yours to do.

Are you looking for help with language or terms, then, or...?

It’d be grand to get a better sense of what you are looking for from us so we can help you best.

[aswf]

Hi Heather,

Thanks for your concern.

I'm looking for a way to identify my sexuality in a meaningful way; one that covers much more than just what genders I'm attracted to, esp. seeing as there's alot of discrepancy between:
- how frequently and to what extent, and
- under what conditions,
I'm attracted to either gender.

Bisexual could work, yeah -- but something like, idk, a masochistic, slightly bisexual trans woman? Would that be the right term? What would it mean to you? Or if you think I'm on a wrong track, help would be highly appreciated.

Hope that makes things clearer.

Over to you.

P.S.: +Sam too.

[Heather]

I think some of the challenge here is looking for one or two simple terms to say more than a couple words can.

Identity terms like bisexual are shorthand. We have them just to be able to give a quick, broad overview when a situation doesn’t warrant going into more detail, or we don’t want to.

But if and when you want someone else to know, for instance, the specifics of your bisexuality, like how you are attracted to dominant women, or much more about your sexuality than just the bare basics of your orientation, then you’d tell them more about that just like you’ve done here. Make sense? Or, if you want shorthand, you’d say the kind of thing you just did, that you’re bisexual but also masochistic and trans.