New Years.

[bigbywolf]

So, it's New Years soon and I just got stood up, as per.


I’m just looking at New Years and where I was last year VS this year and it just feels like the ‘alone’-ness is screaming at me. Which is bullshit. I got straight As, lived alone, successfully navigated and left a relationship that was a beautiful story on it’s own and is now CLOSED closed closed. I got a new sister, I got two incredible brothers. But I just feel awful. Like I’m stuck between this meant-to-be-desire to go chasing kisses and hands and bodies and feeling so desensitized from it all. I don’t know if I actually want it or if its my anxiety screaming im meant to want it. I just haven’t had the time to sit and reorganize my thoughts. Maybe I’ll do more writing tonight and fix it. The anxiety is just getting bad again, I guess. Going through the mall and worrying I’ll see Ex, deciding which shops to go to by whether we ever went there together or not. My best friends, who are dating, are going to spend new years together and have their new years kiss – I forgot that was even a thing! And if I’m being HONEST with myself, last year I was alone, asleep after moving in and Ex was at a party. But he crawled into my bed on January first and I got to hold his sleeping self and it just feels so awful right now. I so viscerally feel the lack of contact. I hate the unpredictably of when I’ll get it, next. It’s terrifying.

[Heather]

It's good to see you, but I am sorry it's because you are feeling like this.

It sounds like New Years is a big deal to you, something that's really symbolic. And like right now, you're not a fan of the symbolism you have going.

Would you like to brainstorm together about how to create something for yourself, or do something, for NYE or the new year that feels more empowering and highlights your positive changes from last year, ushering in something even better? Or would you like to talk about the things you brought up here in more depth?

[bigbywolf]

Hey Heather, it's good to hear from you.

My mom is coming over from the island because I told her about how I was feeling, and I'm going to go to a co-workers party for new years. Mom is so that no matter what I start the year surrounded by love and the party is so that I can "pretend" there's a possibility of a new years kiss, if that's what I think I really need. I think what I need most help with is ironing out these feelings of loneliness, and not slipping into the old habit of being scared of leaving my house because I might run into Ex.

It's been really weird. I've had half-hearted snapchat sexual encounters and by the end of them I feel a bit more "normal" Cus I've had some kind of sexual experience w someone else, but I also feel stupid. Pretending that watching a dude fiddle with his knob does anything for me . I've also tried to go on two dates, both of which went to custard and didn't end up happening. And again, I can't tell if I'm even ACTUALLY disappointed or not.

[Sam W]

Hi bigbywolf, hope you don't mind my jumping in!

I'm glad to hear you've made new plans for New Years and that you'll be with someone who makes you feel loved When you talk about wanting to iron out the loneliness, there are a few different places we could start. Does it feel like a better fit to you to start by working out ways to find and nurture connections that make the loneliness decrease? Or does it make more sense to you to tackle some of the thought patterns that seem to be leading you to feel this way?

It does sound like, even if they don't leave you feeling super disappointed, the last few casual sexual encounters have been pretty "meh" which can sometimes lead to you feeling more lonely because you went looking for a casual, fun connection and ended up feeling let down. Thinking about these encounters, are you seeking them out because they're something you're actively interested in and excited about? Or do you feel like you're seeking them out because you feel like it's something you "should" be doing? And, when you have these encounters, how comfortable do you feel discussing things such as likes and dislikes?

[bigbywolf]

Part of my stress is I don't know if I'm seeking these experiences out because I want them or because I know I'm meant to want them. I do get lonely and aroused, but I don't get satisfied from experiences with people I don't know well. So I guess I'm just doing something that feels vaguely close to what I actually want. A meaningful, long term sexual relationship with someone I love.

I want to look at how to make more meaningful connections. It feels like all the people I have made these connections with thus far are in honeymoon stages of relationships of their own. Suddenly, I don't have the reassurance that if I have a really bad night, someone WILL be there for me.

I also feel like my perception of self has shifted pretty intensely over the past little while, which is just making everything worse. I used to feel pretty, and hot, and got affirmation from friends, strangers, even an ex therapist noted that I was beautiful. I've cut my hair short and gained weight, and I feel like I've made myself uglier. I don't want to grow my hair back, but I want to refind the confidence I had back then.

Do you know of any good sites for when a person's having very intense dark thoughts? I know scarleteen isn't the space for that, but I imagine yall might have good resources. Thank you for reading.

[Sam W]

So, since it sounds like seeking out very casual relationships only vaguely resembles what you're really wanting, does it make sense to you to try an approach that's more focused on dating and where your interest in finding a long-term relationship was explicit? Or do you have any interest in ways to build casual sexual relationships that, while they may not resemble the classic monogamous relationship, are still loving and fulfilling?

Can you give me a sense of how much you've tried combating the feelings of loneliness you're going through right now by spending time and energy on the non-romantic relationships in your life? It sounds like you have a number of people in your life who you care about and who care about you. Sometimes, the support and love in those non-romantic relationships can be as strong (if not stronger) than the love that comes from a romantic relationship, so it may be that some of what you're craving right now can be found in the relationships you already have.

Thinking back to the times when you felt confident in your body, what things helped you feel that way? You mention getting positive comments from people, but where there things that you did (like taking care of your body in a certain way or doing things with it that made you feel good) that also contributed to that feeling?

If you're looking for a space to process those intense, darker thoughts, you could try 7 Cups as a starting point to see if it fits you needs: https://www.7cups.com/ . You've mentioned seeing a mental healthcare provider in the past, are you still seeing one?

[bigbywolf]

It does make sense to try an approach that's more focused on dating - but I'm not sure how to do that! I've half heartedly downloaded apps like Tinder and Her, but dropped them afterwards. I just want someone to appear when I'm not looking, and I would like being the one that is pursued for once. I do have interest in casual sexual relationships too, I definitely get sad when I realize sex with someone else isn't a possibility for me right now. Don't get me wrong, I love masturbation as much as the next person, but sex with someone is fulfilling because I like giving them myself? I like giving them sex and having it in return.

As soon as I broke up with my most recent Ex, I sought out family and friends. My two closest friends are currently unavailable. One, we'll call her Kelsey, has just entered her first serious romantic relationship, and I am almost constantly third wheeling when I hang out with her now. She makes the offer for one-on-one time, but I can't help but feel invasive. The other best friend, I believe I've called him Jason in past on this site as a placeholder name, now lives with my first, abusive ex. Jason is still my friend, but it is very sore for me that he lives with my ex, and I don't exactly feel safe in our friendship anymore. He's also been abusing drugs, and I can't be the person who helps him through that.

Other friends I either struggle for a meaningful connection or they are notoriously difficult to get a hold of. But I think this highlights to me I need some friendship repairing more than relationship, and that that's probably why I've been feeling so lousy and lonely.

I walked for HOURS back then, and I do really miss that! I live in a city, now, and it's difficult to go on nature hikes because I have no transport. Kelsey's girlfriend has a car, so when I third wheel with them, I get to go on hikes again. And it's petty, but it's honest, I really really miss compliments.

Thank you for 7 Cups! I'll definitely peruse them.

Happy New Year. <3