Vaginal access difficulties and gyno worries

[actually_what]

Hey there!
I'm 20 years old and I've never had partnered sex before. I'm getting increasingly close to my boyfriend of two months and would really like to try having sex soon. I do masturbate but I've always been happy to do that without putting anything inside my vagina. When I have tried to, either out of curiosity, or to use a tampon (which I've never managed), my finger won't go up further than a little past the first knuckle. It's not that hurts, but it gets uncomfortable and I get the impression it would hurt if I went further. That and I can't really tell where the passage goes, though I'm sure I do have the right hole.
I've been doing my best to read up on this and sex in general, including the With Pleasure and Innies & Outies pages on this site, and similar message board discussions. I found this in Innies & Outies:
"On the other hand, there are some whose vaginal coronas simply are so thick, or have such a small opening, that it is indeed painful to have intercourse or enter the vagina otherwise, and sometimes a medical procedure needs to be done to remedy that."
Is there a term for this condition(s), so I can ask Google or my doctor? It seems to me it's distinct from vaginismus, is that correct? Could you link me to any more detailed resources? What does that medical procedure involve?
I'll get some lube and try it one more time, reeeally slowly, before I see a doctor, if only so I can explain exactly what's stopping me. Is there a trick or strategy that might help me out, or an indicator that I should give up and ask a doctor?
I am going to see my GP about sexual health regardless and I'm thinking I'll ask her to recommend me a gynecologist. The problem is that I'm nervous at the prospect of anyone other than my boyfriend seeing/touching my genital area and terrified by the idea of them inserting fingers or instruments. I actually keep crying at that thought, and I know being nervous will just make it worse, and it all looks like a vicious cycle waiting to happen. What can I do???
Going back to the corona-opening procedure mentioned above, is it a clear-cut need or a sort of choice between that and painful sex? Will I end up just having to deal with (I assume) painful penetration for a while? Would that even fix it?
Thank you Scarleteen staff, first of all for reading the long post, and then for your help! I'd also be happy to hear from other users with advice or sympathy.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards.

The term for what you've quoted is usually "resilient hymen." Vaginismus is a very different thing, and since you're not yet experiencing any pain, which is the real hallmark of that, that sounds unlikely.

However, Googling is generally a terrible way to get health information, especially if you're worried and don't already have a diagnosis, so I'd personally advise against that route. I'd instead start with a bimanual exam -- a GP can do it or an OB/GYN -- and let your healthcare provider know before that you have been having some issues with any kind of vaginal insertion. Then they can take it from there and use their education and observation of your specific body to try and figure out what, if anything, is going on.

If you feel very anxious about that appointment, you can let them know that, too, ahead of time. If you are severely anxious, they may even prescribe you an anti-anxiety medication, but chances are they can help you to relax before your exam just by talking you through it. It may help to know that to a sexual healthcare provider, genitals really aren't any different than, say, a mouth is to a dentist. They're not special body parts, or somehow more private than others: they're just parts of the system of the body they work with, and while they know people have strong feelings about them, so take care and respect around those feelings, you're truly not showing them anything that's a big deal to them, or where they feel like you're sharing something sacred, if you get me.

You should not do anything that sets you up to have painful sex as a given. Most of the time, there is just no need for sex of any kind to be painful, and since it's supposed to be optional and for your pleasure, if it IS painful, opting out is always a thing you can do, and most often should do. You would just stop, see if you can adjust anything so it feels good instead, and if not, stop whatever you were doing period and not go back to that until you could figure out how to do it in a way that felt good and didn't hurt. But I think that's getting ahead of ourselves right this second. I think the same is true of talking about hymenectomies (which is super-simple, but still) before you even have a diagnosis.

For now, what you can do is your your finger tip to just explore the vaginal opening and just inside it. It may help to remember that it's all very flexible there, so it's okay to push around some, and that the vaginal canal also is curved a little upward, not straight towards your back. But too, being sexually turned on first makes a big difference: arousal and desire loosen the opening and canal, make things slipperier, and also move your cervix back, lengthening the vaginal canal. So, be sure to really take time there, and maybe even bring yourself to orgasm that way first, which can be a help, too.

How's all to that get you started?