Scarleteen

i don't know what to do. i'm 17 and i've been with my boyfriend for a year and 6 months. i love him a lot and he loves me a lot. new years eve we kind of broke up, but then the next day everything was normal. nothing actually changed. it was like we were testing ourselves, or the fact that we actually decided to end our relationship made us more willing to be in one, which i consider unhealthy. a week later i am already crying again and full of debate on whether i should break up with him or not. i have been fighting this debate for months. i feel like its a sign telling me i should, but i also don't want to. i love everything about him and how comfortable i am with him but little things keep ticking us both off and making us extremely upset. the reason we broke up in the first place is because i used to identify as lesbian, but then i met him and stopped identifying myself as anything and im not sure if it's because i am growing as an individual, but i have been lusting for a "relationship" or something romantic with a girl. but i also don't want a new relationship (yet) if i recently come out of a relationship, and i can't tell how actually breaking up with my boyfriend will affect me. what if a month from now i regret everything but i can't be with him again? i also go to college in 5 months so we would be breaking up then anyways, but i am getting this overwhelming urge to do it now even though it would be breaking my own heart alongside his. this is all hard to explain and sounds chaotic but i don't know what to do. should i ignore the urges and just be fine with him?? settle for a some-what happiness and comfortable-ness and routine?? what experiences would I be getting with/without ?? if i break up with him i know i'd feel heartbroken and all routine with him would be gone (he revolves around my entire life. my family and hobbies) and thats such a huge part of my life. the routine. maybe that's why i am getting these urges? they mostly revolve around the desire to be with a girl though, because it's always on my mind. however, i am also very independent and like to follow my own life without strongly depending on others, so maybe this is why i feel myself detactching? any advice on where these feelings are coming from is helpful and some advice as to how i should handle this situation. i want to be free and be able to do whatever i want but another part of me also wants him. i can tell that my desire to be free is overwhelming my entire body and thoughts but what if choosing that option is a regretful mistake?

Hi 1LittleStar,

It sounds like this situation is causing you a lot of stress, and that you're getting caught-up in a lot of the "what ifs" and that is making it even harder for you to decide what you want to do. What I'm going to suggest you do is set aside at least some of those "what ifs" for the time being and focus on teasing out how you feel about the relationship right now. For example, knowing that you want to break off the relationship when you go to college doesn't automatically mean you need to break up right now (plenty of people have happy relationships even when they know there is an end date), so it's useful to think about if there are things happening in the here and now that make you want to break up.

For starters, it sounds like there is some ongoing conflict in your relationship. Can you give me a sense of what generally causes those fights? Is there a recurring theme,like your sexual orientation, or does it seem like everything is a potential catalyst for an argument? And, looking at this article, are there any reasons for leaving (or staying) that jump out at you? Should I Stay or Should I Go?