Scarleteen

Hi. I'm new here and I've got a problem. I feel really guilty, like I'm doing something really wrong when I even start to feel a little bit horny. If I try touching myself, I feel like I'm doing something bad and feel terribly guilty. The thing is, I come from a very open and happy household where sex and everything involved with it is not at all taboo. I know that feeling horny and masterbating is a very normal thing to do but I feel really naughty when I think about it. I don't know why. Help?

Hi 364Days,

There are so many messages about sex and sexuality flying around in any given culture that, even if your family is very open about sex, you may have picked up negative messages elsewhere. So, something we can try is to tease out where else these feelings might be coming from. When the thoughts about how feeling horny is bad enter your head, do they sound like anyone or anything in particular? For example, are there things you've read or watched that contain negative messages about sex that might have stuck in your brain?

They don't sound like anyone or anything, just the really bad sensation that I'm doing something wrong. I haven't read anything that contains negative messages. In fact, I've only been surrounded by positive messages!

Hey 364 Days,

Hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here.

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about the feelings you've been experiencing--those sound hard

I'm wondering, can you outline what positive messages you have received about sexuality from your family and culture? What of those messages resonate for you, and which have had a harder time sticking?

Thanks, all good. In my family, nothing like that is taboo. We talk about whatever is on our mind. I've always been able to talk to my parents about anything to do with sex and sexuality. (I'm a bit embarrassed and weirded out to talk to them about this though. Go figure) I guess we've never talked much about masterbation because I've never much had those thoughts before. I'm not sure I can outline what positive messages exactly but I know that I've never had negative ones and anytime sex is discussed, it's positive and open.

Okay, so since it seems like we're not finding any clear source of these feelings, how about we switch gears a bit and brainstorm ways to deal with the feelings when they arise? To start doing that, can you give me a sense of how you'd like to feel when and after you masturbate, or when you feel arousal? Not how you think you should feel, but how you would feel if you could snap your fingers and have things be exactly as you wanted them to be.

As a side note, there's nothing wrong or weird about not being comfortable talking about masturbation with your family. While some people do feel comfortable with that, for others that topic feels very private and like something they want to keep to themselves, and that's okay too.

I just don't want to feel like I'm a bad person or doing something wrong when I think about these things, is all.

Hi 364days!

I admit I have had similar feelings in the past, and I still do occasionally. For me it was partly family stuff... but also depending on how familiar you are with the sensations of being aroused, I do think it can be unsettling when your body starts behaving in ways that don't feel in our control. I certainly think that was a factor for me. I didn't really know how to understand that discomfort so I felt like I was doing something wrong, or was something wrong.

Our own relationships with our bodies can be difficult! Do you think there are any other factors that trigger it? Like how does it change? Is it always the same? Is it something that feels like it could get better with time, and doing things like breathing exercises to counteract the stressful feelings?

Hi Jacob, you might be onto something there! I feel like maybe you're right because I've never delved into this before as I've always been never interested in sex anyway. Perhaps my guilt is discomfort? Thanks!

No worries! And it sounds likely...

Maybe this will be something that gets better with time. If these are unfamiliar feelings, you are sure to get more familiar with them!