Scarleteen

Hi,

How does one learn to trust and date new people after a painful break up? I keep spinning round in circles where I'm like ok I'm ready to date again, then set up a new dating profile but then end up being really anxious about meeting new partners because I'm afraid I'll be hurt again, and chicken out. Its not really fair on the people that I talk with on the apps I use for dating, and I don't know what the best strategy is to combat this. I've never been socially anxious before either (and I'm generally not) so this is all new. Any tips would be much appreciated

Hi dragoness,

It can definitely be frustrating to feel like holdover emotions from your previous relationship are getting in the way of meeting new people. Since a big player in learning how to trust or be comfortable dating again is time, can you give me a sense of how long it's been since your breakup? It may be that your brain is going "NOPE not actually ready" because something about the breakup is still feeling very raw.

Something you could try is reframing how you think about any dates you have in the near future. It sounds like your brain is a little bit getting ahead of itself and worrying that meeting someone new will only end in another painful breakup. One way to counteract that feeling is to think of upcoming dates a casual experiments that will hopefully result in something pleasurable (that pleasure could be anything from having an engaging coffee date to having sex with someone you're attracted to), and if they're not enjoyable you can bail out from them without a ton of emotional fallout. Right now your brain is seeing dates as a one-way ticket to emotional investment, instead of what dates, especially first dates, are: a chance to meet someone in a low-stakes situation to see how you two get along. Do you see what I'm getting at with that idea?

Hi Sam,

Yep I do - that's really helpful advice, thank you! And yes I am probably overthinking things. It's been about 10 months, which is a long time I know. The pain comes back in cycles and I don't know exactly what triggers it either, which is also confusing.

Have you seen this article about dealing with breakups? Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking
I wonder if there's anything in there you'll find helpful.
When you notice pain about the breakup coming back, does that tend to be related to something in particular about the relationship or your ex's behavior? Is there something specific that feels most hurtful or worrisome to you?