When a relationship feels difficult

[rollingrock]

So I recently went through a breakup in august of 2017, and then started talking to another guy at the end of october, and dating him "officially" in the beginning of december, which was when we first slept together (literally and sexually). I really liked him and he even met my mom and everything, even though we agreed on a somewhat casual/not serious relationship.
I had to go back home for winter break so I did not see him for a month, leading me to overthink all our texts and just generally make myself feel very worthless and depressed, not because of anything he did, but I think because I had too much free time and we had a few serious discussions over the phone/text which made me feel distant from him.
Anyway, I got back a few days ago and I have seen him a few times, but it feels harder to get along for some reason. I feel like I have to put on an act when I know I don't, and I really don't like how I am psyching myself out before this relationship can really begin. Does anyone have any tips on how to relax and just go with the flow of a new relationship and not let your insecurities and past relationships affect your current ones in a negative way?

[Sam W]

Hi Rollingrock,

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like you're psyching yourself out over something you were previously enjoying. It can be so frustrating to feel like things from your past are messing with things in your present. To help us brainstorm some ideas with you, can you give me a sense of what kind of act you feel like you need to put on when you're with him? And what insecurities or worries in particular seem to be creeping into your feelings about this relationship?

[rollingrock]

Kind of like acting like nothing is wrong with me and everything is fine, even though I have been getting better at communicating my feelings and boundaries, which he has been very helpful with. I think I have been nervous to open up again since my last breakup was because the other person thought I was too much to handle and too emotional. My biggest insecurity is that I am not good enough to be in a relationship, that I'm boring or just too clingy or emotional for anyone to want to be with. I worry that I will ruin this one like the last one I guess.

[Heather]

Why assume you "ruined" your last relationship?

With this new person, do you specifically feel like you're not good enough for them? And when you talk about feeling like you have to put on an act, do you think that's how you'd feel with anyone you were dating, or that that's specific to this person?

If it's the former, what are your thoughts about how good a time this is for you to be dating (on the whole, or in specific ways, like entering into something ongoing or serious versus casual, occasional dates), versus, say, doing some work on your self-esteem some more first so you can come into these kinds of interactions and relationships with more confidence from the front?

[rollingrock]

Self esteem is definitely an issue of mine, I am working on it, but not completely solved. I have given some thought into not dating until I was more confident. At the beginning of this relationship I felt pretty confident, but then I started overthinking and worrying about it too much and then here we are. I think it's just an ongoing issue of mine that I need to work on, but I don't think I want it to let it keep me from pursuing relationships since I do really like this person. For the act, I'm not sure, but maybe with anyone, since I think the past relationship/breakup would have an effect regardless of the person.

[Heather]

Okay, thanks for filling me in. And I think it's safe to say no one is going to likely "solve" self-confidence issues completely, pretty much ever. Usually what we can just do is keep working on them, get better about managing them, and work on gaining more confidence over time so there's less to manage.

I'm wondering if you think that if you're going to keep pursuing this, you can do it moving forward from here working hard NOT to put on an act, and to be yourself. That could also involve opening up at least a little bit about how you're feeling here, which I think would be a good idea. This is something new, and you sound uncertain, so I'm thinking more baby steps than anything huge.

For instance, how might you feel the next time you hang out just saying a little about how you want to be able to be yourself with him -- you don't even need to say you're having a hard time with that if you're not, you could just put the tiniest of feelers like that out and see where that takes you.

[rollingrock]

Yes I definitely agree with opening up more. It is just scary when people have reacted negatively in the past! But yes I am going to work on self-confidence and communication. I just need to have a little faith that the other person does care about me and my feelings. You have been so helpful to me thank you so much! <3

[Heather]

It sure is. I completely understand. But ultimately, dating -- or whatever you want to call this -- means taking some positive risks. I'd just see what you can do to think of small ways you can do that that might be a little scary, but are still not too far outside your comfort zone.

You also want to see how those baby steps go in terms of figuring out if this person is right for *you.* If they don't respond well, don't reciprocate with a little openness of their own, or you just find opening up with them feels more bad for you than good, that's some of how you also sort out of this person and relationship is right for you to pursue. I know it can be hard to see it when your self-esteem is low, but this isn't just about if you are a good fit for someone else, it's also about if someone else is right for you.