saying no

[wallahi]

hey y'all, new member and all.

i just wanted to get some things cleared up cause they've kinda been getting me down and confused lately. so in my last relationship, sex became a normal and natural thing between myself (a guy) and my girlfriend. we both were attracted to each other, and we understood each other's sexual wants and all that jazz.

the only thing that really bothered me about it was the consent aspect of it, and how it seemed to be really imbalanced against me. not to reveal her information, but she has had a lot of terrible experiences in the past where she did not consent. knowing this, i never overstepped her boundaries and i was always making sure that when we did things there was enthusiastic consent.

my issue then comes when it came to my consent. my first time with her was good looking back, but i felt pressured into doing it. she kept insisting that we have sex at that moment, and i knew she'd be really distant and upset out if i told her no, so i went along. i came to enjoy it, but i definitely would've liked to do it on my own readiness.

and it continued from there. whenever she wasn't in the mood for sex it was completely normal, and i respected that and just moved on to what she wanted. but whenever i wasn't in the mood for sex, it became a whole upsetting issue of me "not enjoying her sexually" and "embarrassing her" because of how shy she is about the topic.

i know this was a lot, but do y'all have any tips for avoiding this in the future?

much love د ه -

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards. I'm so sorry you have had these experiences. Some of what you're describing sounds like coercion, and all of it sounds like it probably feels and has felt pretty awful and isolating.

Before I say anything else, have you yet talked to her about this? If so, can you tell me how that has gone/went? Are you still together?

[wallahi]

hi heather, thank you for reading this. i talked to her a little about it but i let it go because it was becoming really tense and stressful. we're also not seeing each other anymore.

[Jacob]

Welcome to scarleteen wallahi,

I feel like I've been in very similar relationships too by the way... and I think being at the stage where you are now (being able to acknowledge that you weren't comfortable with it) makes it easier to communicate what your needs and expectations are around both partners encouraging consent in future relationships. It also makes early signs of coercive behavior easier to see which can be handy.

Do you feel like you'd be ok talking about consent, (not just listening to it)?

Useful links for your reading:
Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner