Scarleteen

Okay, first off let me say that I am not as eduacted as I should be on my body, more specifically down there. So I apologize in advance if I sound dumb when talking about this. Anyways, I’m a 16 year old virgin. I have a lot of friends who have had sex and one day my friends were talking about how it felt when their hymens broke, so I got curious about my own. I’ve been looking at it with a hand mirror for the past few days but I don’t know what it looks like, or where it is. Everything I read online is that it’s a thin layer of skin covering the vaginal opening and that there’s a hole in it, or it’s shaped like a half moon, etc. but I don’t see anything that looks like any of that. I can barely see my vagina hole. One article online said “if you can’t find your hymen it’s most likely broken”. That freaked me out a lot. I’m just so confused on the location and what it looks like and how can I know if it’s intact. It’s very very important to me that mine Is intact. I’m aware that it can break a lot of ways other than sex, like gymnastics, bike riding, horse riding, etc. I’ve only worn a tampon 3 times, and they were all 2 years ago, but I do know those can break it. Can anyone tell me what I need to look for? What does the hymen look like and where it is?? Is it still intact?? Please help!!!

So, your friends saying they know what it felt like when their "hymns broke?" They probably don't. Because the hymen doesn't usually break at all, especially with consensual, wanted sex. Instead, the hymn wears away gradually over time for most people, whether they engage in vaginal sex or not. And because that tissue doesn't really have any nerve endings of its own, there's no feeling any of that, not really.

The hymen looks so different for everyone, particularly over its many states in a lifetime, that it really isn't something a lot of people are going to be able to easily identify for themselves by looking, even when they are very young and it is more likely not to have worn away at all yet. But once puberty starts and that process begins with it, what was already pretty hard to differentiate from the vaginal opening gets even more difficult to.

We can't say what the state of your hymen is, but what I can say is that if you have already had your periods for a while, it has indeed already started to wear away. It sounds like you have the idea that isn't okay, or isn't some kind of ideal state. I don't know why you think that or why this is so loaded for you, but I'd be glad to talk with you about that more if you'd like.

Thank you. And yes it’s a big deal and here is why. Everyone associates the hymen with virginity, (me personally, I think that’s a load of garbage, and if mine were broken i would still call myself a virgin). The reason that’s a big deal Is because I come from a very religious family. I wear a purity ring because I’m planning to save myself for marriage. I’m worried that if my hymen is already broken my future husband will question my virginity after our first time if I don’t bleed or anything like that. Even though not everyone bleeds, I’m just worried I will be questioned on my virginity. I’m scared to talk to my mom about it because if I ask her about my hymen and whether or not it’s intact that whole “are you having sex?” Talk will come up. Even though I’m not, I don’t want her to jump to any conclusions. Even though I have a feeling in my mind that my hymen IS intact and I have nothing to worry about, it’s been bugging me so bad? What can I do to not worry about it?? How can I just forget about the whole thing and not be so stressed out about it? It’s been worrying me so bad

Thank you. And yes it’s a big deal and here is why. Everyone associates the hymen with virginity, (me personally, I think that’s a load of garbage, and if mine were broken i would still call myself a virgin). The reason that’s a big deal Is because I come from a very religious family. I wear a purity ring because I’m planning to save myself for marriage. I’m worried that if my hymen is already broken my future husband will question my virginity after our first time if I don’t bleed or anything like that. Even though not everyone bleeds, I’m just worried I will be questioned on my virginity. I’m scared to talk to my mom about it because if I ask her about my hymen and whether or not it’s intact that whole “are you having sex?” Talk will come up. Even though I’m not, I don’t want her to jump to any conclusions. Even though I have a feeling in my mind that my hymen IS intact and I have nothing to worry about, it’s been bugging me so bad? What can I do to not worry about it?? How can I just forget about the whole thing and not be so stressed out about it? It’s been worrying me so bad

I think the trouble here is that some of this is based on things that just aren't true about anatomy (and some of that is based in ignorance before people knew things, but some of it is based in sexism and misogyny now from people who know better but still use other people's ignorance against them). In other words, these beliefs about the hymen are based on falsehoods, so in trying to square with them, you're basically going to be trying to work within a bunch of ideas that are myths, not reality.

Personally, I hope that if you choose to be sexual with someone, make a big commitment to them, or both, it's with someone who at the very least isn't going to be someone else coming into all this with false ideas and beliefs about your body. I also deeply hope that's with someone who loves and trusts you, where even if there WAS a way (again, there just isn't), to tell if you were sexual with someone else or not, if you weren't, they'd take your word for it. Personally, I think the idea of marrying someone who doesn't trust you -- or heck, who also wouldn't love you the same even if you had had other sexual partners before them -- sounds pretty awful, and I hope that's not something you will choose for yourself, you know?

So, how about we figure that you only choose people who are a) educated about bodies and don't hold onto false beliefs about them based on ignorance, b) who see and treat you like a whole person, not just a set of body parts that life has or hasn't had whatever marks on life leaves on our bodies and maybe even c) b) who would value, love you and trust you the same no matter what your sexual history is, regardless?

In terms of your mother, what is it that you want to talk with her about in regards to this? I'm not sure I am understanding what conversation you want to have that has you feeling afraid.

I was too scared to ask her how I can figure out if my hymen is intact. Being that she is a women, one that I trust, and one who has obviously had sex before, she would help me know if it is or is not broken. I wanted to talk to her about it and i hoped maybe she could help me figure out what exactly a hymen is and where it is. But I was afraid she would think I’m sexually active ( which I’m not ). Sorry if that’s confusing.

Okay, I think I get it. But unless she's a gynecologist, she's unlikely to be able to help you with that. And again, sex does not "break" any part of your body, vagina or vulva. The hymen doesn't generally "break" or get torn outside serious injury, most often from sexual violence, period. That's just not how it works. (If you haven't seen this already, here is an excellent and basic fact sheet: My Corona: The Anatomy Formerly Known as the Hymen & the Myths That Surround It)

And as I said, I think it's important you start to try and accept that your hymen *has* already begun to erode, and DOES already have at least micro-perforations in it that occur all by themselves due to hormones and vaginal secretions alone. If it hadn't started to wear away already and didn't have at least those openings, your menstrual flow would not be able to get through when you have your period. And it does.

I get that if you have big beliefs or are part of a belief system that has giant, loaded stuff hinged to things that are simply false or wrong, it is seriously complicated and probably feels very rough and hard to process. But from your first post, it sounded like you could separate what it means for someone to choose (or not) to engage in sex, in terms of what you want and your beliefs, and outdated and inaccurate ideas about bodies, like that intercourse "breaks" the hymen, and until then, hymens are a complete, "intact" shield or covering. It may take a while to get there, but I think you can do it.

It might help to think about what this false belief has done or does for you in order to shake it. Chances are, most of what it does and has done is just stressed out out: it probably hasn't given you anything beneficial. But if you do think of ways that how you have been thinking about the hymen has actually served you well, we can most likely think of an equally effective, but also less misogynist and more factual, way of thinking about all this. (It may be as simple as recognizing you don't need a body part to "prove" you made whatever choices in life you make in this regard. You just need not to sleep with or marry jerks who wouldn't take your word for it.)

So if my hymen has started to wear away from natural things, then I’m not the only one? That’s happened to other girls my age too? Because the idea of it being normal/natural eases my mind a lot on the whole topic, and I might be able to stop worrying so much now.. so it’s normal for this to happen? And it doesn’t mean I’ve accidentally torn it on my own?

Nope, it's not just you: this is how that anatomy works for just about everyone.

It's one of the many parts of puberty and development. It has to happen for you to have menstrual flow, and for your vagina to be able to clean itself the way it does: if and when the hymen doesn't wear away gradually on its own, it's a problem, and one that will sometimes require a minor outpatient surgery.