Am I selfish for thinking my boyfriend has no time for me?

[Lolgal5566771]

My boyfriend is very very busy. He works, plays sports, is involved in a lot of clubs at school, etc. I am involved in a few extracurricular things but I’m never really busy. And I’m at home almost everyday after school. The way a typical day goes is we go to school, he has some type of practice afterwards , things to do at home when he gets home at night, eat, shower, text me for like 15 minutes to an hour then he falls asleep. My typical day is school, home, chores, homework, and then just do whatever I do to keep me occupied while I wait for him. I anticipate talking to him so much and then it lasts for what feels like seconds, then I’m upset. We can’t hangout on weekends because he works and even when he isn’t working he’s busy. I hate talking to him about it because I feel so selfish. I did talk to him one night, I completely broke down, and he felt really bad and told me things would change. That was five months ago and from this post, you can tell nothings changed. I just feel so neglected and I miss him so much, I just want his time, and attention, and I want to feel important to him, I just feel so bad because it’s not his fault. I feel so unhappy. I love him so much and I don’t want to leave him over what I think can be fixed but how can I get him to actually fix it?? Please help

[Heather]

I don't think you're selfish. It sounds to me like what you just are is lonely, and that you wish your boyfriend had more time for you than his life allows. It's okay to have those feelings and to feel sad about that.

It sounds to me like you two might be able to find some middle ground here by making sure that you are making time for some hanging out on the regular, assuming he has that time (he just may not, but we'll get to that in a sec). For instance, can you two find a couple of hours at least once a week that is only for the two of you to see each other? Additionally, what about you also joining in on one of the extracurriculars he is part of so that one of those things is something you can both share and do more together (shared interests are always beneficial to relationships, anyway)? How about you switch that text time to phone time? Or figure out a way to hang out together most days for a half hour before school? Or have lunch at school if your schedules work together like that? These are the kinds of suggestions I'd make to him, and then ask him to help think of more like this with me, were I in your shoes.

But probably before I did that, I would ask for a time to sit down and talk, and open that talk by letting him know that you still simply need more time with him than he is making available. I would suggest you start by saying that you at least need that one couple-hour-spot a week, as a place to start. I would then ask him if he really has time in his life for a dating relationship, and if he currently doesn't, if he really wants to make the time for one. If he does, he'll obviously need to cut out something else. If he doesn't, then as hard as all this is, and as much as it will suck and hurt, I would suggest you move on. If he just really values everything else in his life more than this, or wants other things more than he wants a romantic relationship, nothing is going to change, and you're just going to feel endlessly awful trying to get someone to give you time who doesn't have it to give or doesn't want to give it.

What do you think about all that?

[Lolgal5566771]

That’s exactly what all my friends tell me. It was at one point in time in our relationship that I was unhappy (for the same reason I am now) and we fought a lot and I decided to break it off with him (this was almost a year ago). The breakup lasted about a month and he always begged for another chance and I stayed strong and always told him I didn’t want to get back together (even though I did) until eventually I cracked and I took him back. And I was very happy about how things were going. After a month or so this same feeling of neglect came back. And whenever I do work up the courage to speak to him about it he says it’ll change. It does for some time and then it goes back to normal. And I have definitely considered the phone calls instead of texting, because hearing his voice is almost like being with him, but he always has a reason why he can’t call me. Or sometimes he just flat out says he doesn’t want to. And I just say “oh okay, it’s fine” but secretly I’m crushed because it’s the least he can do.. He makes so many promises that he doesn’t keep. Like for Christmas two years ago we both planned to get each other a promise ring and I got him the nicest ring I could have possibly found, I got it engraved, it was special. What did I get? Nothing. Still nothing. I know this probably sounds super materialistic and selfish but sheesh... I want him to have some type of realization like “Wow this girl really loves me, she’s really down for me and I just keep pushing her to the side” I want him to understand what he’s doing. I’ve tried to make him understand but he doesn’t.

[Heather]

I'm sorry to hear all of this.

It sounds like you're at the end of the line here, no? I mean, what I am hearing you say is that you don't want to try and have more of the kinds of conversations that I suggested because you feel you have already tried all of that and he doesn't respond to it, or makes agreements he just doesn't honor.

I get what you want him to feel and understand, but we can't make people think or feel things they just don't. We also can't make people want to make us a priority if they just have other priorities, as much as that can hurt.

So, I think our best focus here is to talk about what you want to do from here. It sounds like you have been seeing someone who just isn't going to, or isn't able to, give you what you want: not the time and attention you want, not the kinds of agreements -- and honoring those agreements -- you want, not the kind of priority you want. If that's the case, what do YOU want to do for yourself? Do you want to stay in this doing the same things you have been and wanting and asking for things you aren't getting, or are you ready to start thinking or talking about moving on so you can look for those things with someone who can give them to you and wants to?