Sexual Insecurities

[Hereforadvice]

Hey, Scarleteen! My first post.

Basically, I don’t like penetration. It hurts and or feels weird, it makes me need to pee, and my boyfriend can’t fit all the way. There’s just nothing enjoyable about it (yet. Maybe someday). My boyfriend is super duper sweet about it, and says he’s totally fine holding off for now.

But I still can’t help to feel self conscious and uncomfortable about it. Lots of my friends (male and female) love penetration. It’s their favorite thing. Thankfully I’m with someone who doesn’t care, but it I theoretically was looking to date someone, I have a feeling my dislike/inability of vaginal penetration would be a deal breaker.

I just don’t feel sexy, cute, or mature. Female parts where made to fit things in them. And I can’t. I just don’t feel desirable.

(Also, my mom doesn’t really understand. In the past she’s REALLY pressured me to try tampons ((so I could go to the pool)), even though I kept telling her it hurt and felt weird. She’s really great, but doesn’t seem to understand that my vagina works differently from her’s and most peoples.)

[Heather]

Some of what you're saying here basically only is going to make you feel crummy, and isn't even true or, even if it's basically factual, isn't sound. I'd like to kick a couple of those to the curb in the hopes of lightening your load here.

The vagina -- if that's what you mean by "female parts" -- is an organ that is a canal, yes, a canal which some things can pass through in either direction. But if and when someone doesn't use that part for any of the things it can be part of -- be that having fingers or a penis in it or having vaginal childbirth -- doesn't make them any less right; doesn't make them any less female (if that's how they identify their gender), any less cute, any less sexy, any less mature. This just isn't about any of those things.

You also not liking how things feel in your vagina isn't your vagina working "differently" than everyone else's. It's just you having preferences and feelings about this body part; and everyone has those with many, if not most, of their body parts. (But it does sound like your Mom needs to back off, so if you haven't already, maybe just tell her this feels like pressure and makes you uncomfortable and you are asking her to stop, please. We can talk more about how to do that if you like.)

You are not alone in not liking this kind of sex. Maybe a lot of your friends do, or say they do (and some may even feel the need to talk more about it because they, like you, feel like it's the way to be normal), but there are lots of people who don't, too. They just aren't your friends or aren't talking with you about it.

How desirable you are to someone else -- or yourself -- is hopefully about way more than just your desire, or lack thereof, for this one sexual activity, one of goodness knows how many. Can you say a little about how the rest of your sexual life is going, alone and with your boyfriend? Are there enjoyable parts of it you like where you feel good, including about yourself and your body?

[Hereforadvice]

Hi, Heather!!! Thank you so much! I can’t tell if I’m replying directly to your comment or not....... I’m still figuring out the technical side of this website.

This was a really nice reply to get. I really appreciate it. It’s helpful to hear this, and I think that’s what I needed.


As for my mom, thankfully it hasn’t happened in a very long time, so it’s not something I need to address right now. It’s just something that further feed my insecurities about that stuff.


Regarding the rest of me and my boyfriend’s physical life, thankfully it’s been going really great. He’s always open to things I like and want to try, and is never pushy.

We enjoy all sorts of things not involving intercourse, and emotionally speaking it’s also great. He’s always very complementary of me and my body, which I’m greatful for.

I hope this answers your questions, if not I’ll try again .

And again, thank you so, so much for this reply. I really appreciate it.

(Oh, also, yeah. My sexual life with myself ((aka masturbation)) has always been–and still–is healthy.)