I'm religious but I'm not straight and I hate myself for it.

[Hex #990000]

Let me just start by saying I'm a Christian, although my belief of the religion strays from the stereotype that god hates 'sexual immorality' (I wont bore you with the details as to I believe this as this isn't the point.), my parents on the other hand don't share the same views as me.
I don't really know what my sexuality is i just find people attractive. I hate that I can't be the child my parents want me to be. I want my parents to be proud of me but how can they, when I find both sex's attractive. I want them to love me the same way they always have and not have resentment towards me or my partner.
I want to have kids with my own and my partners genes in them but If I like another dude how can we do that (with current science), I hate the fact that this isn't possible and without a target to direct it at I hate myself for it; as not being able to be born the opposite of sex of my potential partner to have child (of both our genes) with them kills me inside, I hate myself for it.
I just want to ask should I just discard my feelings for the same sex to save my self from potential heart ache or should I follow where my heart leads me even if it brings my self hate and loathing?
(I'm sorry If this was a depressing topic and if there is poor grammar and punctuation.)

[Sam W]

Hi Hex #990000,

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of rough things right now, and like there are a lot of conflicting thoughts and desires banging into each other in your head. I'm sorry you're in such a raw place, but hopefully we can come up with a few ways to ease at least some of those feelings.

I'm going to set the topic of whether or you'll be able to have biological children with a partner aside for right now. That's a scenario that's far enough in the future that trying to resolve it right now is causing you a lot of headache and heartache based on hypothetical situations, which means you get all the sucky parts with none of the actual ability to resolve anything. We can talk about that topic and your feelings about it more in the future, but right now it sounds like the situation with your parents is the one where there is a more immediate need to address it.

First, I want to caution you against trying to discard your feelings of same gender attraction. We know that trying to deny or ignore your sexual orientation generally has a negative effect on your well-being over time, but more than that those feelings aren't necessarily something you can discard. For many people, their sexual orientation is something they can't control, so attempting to ignore it ends up leaving them frustrated or upset.

With your parents, I don't want to downplay how stressful or upsetting the idea of disappointing them is to you (believe me, it's something I'm familiar with). But I want to offer up a thought that may help you reframe this situation: sooner or later we all disappoint our parents. We're separate people from them, which means that there are likely to be disagreements with them, or topics on which we don't see eye to eye. And that's okay! It's part of what they signed up for when they decided to raise another human instead of building a robot-child. There are, of course, potential risks to "disappointing" one's parents, and you have a better sense than I do of what they would do if they found out about your orientation. But what I'm getting at is that, since disappointing or diverging from your parents is inevitable, you shouldn't let that stop you from embracing something like your sexual orientation. Does that make sense?

Too, it's possible that your parents would continue to love you and accept you if you told them your feelings. There have been plenty of parents who held anti-LGBTQ beliefs until a child in their life came out to them. There's no guarantee that will happen, but I point it out help to let you know that the worst-case scenario isn't guaranteed either.

Can you give me a sense of how many people in your life know about your feelings and have been supportive of them? Do you have people who you can confide in or is does your orientation feel like a big secret you're lugging around?

[Hex #990000]

Hi, you can call me crimson if you want that's what Hex #990000 means, as crimson has the hex value of 990000 in a colour wheel I just thought It was a somewhat clever/dump thing that some people might pick up on.

There's only a handful of people who know of my orientation, consisting of some close friends and one of my brothers and sister (I have a large family)... So not a lot of people in my life know although If my friends where to ask about my orientation I'd be fairly open about it, in addition to how I speak how I speak about such topics I would say my friends would think I'm not straight.

my sister is a lesbian(I think that's what she came out as I don't remember I was like yeah I know takes one to know one kinda and she just never explicitly said it again and I just forgot over time.) and my parents still invite her to family gatherings and such but shes always getting slandered for it behind her back not directly addressing it, as the rest of my family doesn't know, but my parents say stuff such as "she strayed from the path of god." using her as bad examples of what to do (she was a 'trouble maker' as well as some of my brother but she's the only one that gets used as a reference). In some cases blaming the things happening to her on "straying from god" and it hurts because how could they say such rude things to their own daughter and in a way they're talking about me as well for my orientation without them knowing. they also generally talk a lot of trash on lgbtq+ and it makes me really nervous and sad. writing this makes it sound a little petty in comparison to the extreme side of people coming out but still hurts.

I have accepted that in my parents eyes they will consider me a disappointment and that makes me nervous and scared to ever want to come out to the rest of my family. I realize the majority of my family will feel the same way as my parents do and I'm unsure as to the rest of my family will react to learn this about me.

On the topic of having kids to give some background as to why I feel that way pretty much I had a hard childhood, I grew up in a poor-ish family, I was a dumb kid and didn't really have anything going for me in addition to having a fair amount of family members and pets that I considered as part of my family die in my childhood. This lead to depression and suicidal thoughts but I thought that if I had a kid I could them a better life than what I was experiencing in addition with the primal urge(not sure if urge is the right word) to reproduce I kinda kept me going through my tough times.
Yeah and I'm aware that I wont be able to do anything to resolve about not having kids with my partner I closet I would get to resolving this would be through Surrogacy i guess.
Sorry for that rambling.(we don't have to discuss it any further I just thought I'd give some 'background information')

[Jacob]

Hey Crimson!

I'm a fan of your hexadecimal-color-coding! Also crimson sounds way better than 'dark red' which is what I assumed at first.

I'm sorry you've had to hear your parents talk badly about your sister and I totally get how horrible that'd make you feel about your sexuality. I will say that I think they're wrong. Even from a religious point of view, there are plenty of people for whom sexual orientation says zero about your faith, your relationship to god/whoever. For whatever, reason being anti-gay has become a big part of certain types of Christianity and I really wish they could learn to not be.

I'm really happy for you that your sister came out, and how that has helped you know what to expect. It sounds like things have been tough for her, but also that your sister seems to have been safe from physical harm or being isolated from her other sibling, even if your parents have been very disrespectful.

How you go from here, is really just about what steps you want to take. It sounds like your sister is a great person to keep speaking to about this, I imagine the outcome for you would be similar. Like Sam says, sure they might not approve... it sounds likely they won't, but that doesn't mean you can't be yourself and explore things at your own pace. You get to choose what kind of relationship you have with them, regardless of how they behave in the future.

To add to the family thing... You aren't at that stage right now, so there's no harm in enjoying the idea of being a parent and things like that. But actually having kids to make ourselves feel better is not super good for their well being. It sounds like you have a lot to think about about and building confidence in yourself may mean that when you are eventually in the position where you could be a parent, that having a child wouldn't be to receive validation, but because you wanted to give to them all those things that a new person needs.

[Hex #990000]

Thank you both for you help in my on going struggles, it's really help me feel better about my situation. (I'm glad you like the hex colouring)

I will try my best to take your advice with me as I continue on my journey in life. hopefully being able to have courage to one day come out to my family about my orientation. My sister and I are very close so i will continue to talk to her about such topics.

I just want to clarify I'm not looking to make myself feel better in having kids, that's something I have to do on my own. It's more so that if I was to have kids I want them to have a more positive experience than I had when i was growing up. and yeah I'm not really any where close to having a family, that's many years in the future (something I shouldn't be worrying about), nor do I think I am ready to have them as you said I should build up my own confidence and happiness before I can give someone else the happiness and acceptance they deserve. I'm sorry for this misunderstanding I caused by the phrasing of my rant.

I sincerely thank you for the advice you have given me as I know you can only do so much, it is greatly appreciated. <3

[Heather]

Hey, Hex? I don't see anyone mentioning this yet: would you like some resources for queer Christians? There are some good ones out there, and some really excellent writers and thinkers -- and clergy -- on the subject. Holler if you would and I'd be glad to make you up a little list.

[Hex #990000]

Hi Heather that would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

[Sam W]

Hi Crimson,

Heather may know of several other resources and writers, but here are a few that I know of to get you started. You'll also find that most of these sites include resource lists of their own, which can give you even more avenues to explore (of the three, queer grace is the one I've used most often).
http://queergrace.com/
https://www.queertheology.com/
https://www.ourbibleapp.com/

[J.D.]

Hey, Crimson,

(this only applies if you're christian, although I would have to assume that other religions have similar views on same-sex attraction, but I don't know)

from what I've seen, you're about my age, and going through a similar thing as me. Of course, you're wondering if multiple genders are hot, and I'm wondering if none are, but it's still freaky (finding out you may not be straight like you thought). I don't know about you, but I'm really afraid of being asexual if I even am! I don't know if this thread is dead or not, but I've been reading this one for a while even before I had my account. Hopefully they'll be cool about it, but first I'd like to help you feel better about yourself. I can understand how feeling attracted to the same sex can be freaky and you can feel guilty. Many people still believe that that's a sin, and that it's wrong. The way I see it is that the view of the general public is always changing. Until recently, interracial relationships were "immoral" and illegal, and now they're celebrated by almost everyone! Additionally, if you're looking at Leviticus 18:22 at your main source of shame, don't worry about it too much. 1) the verse could be interpreted as anti-male-prostitution (I think thechristianleft.com explains this pretty well) 2) additional sins listed by Leviticus include talking to a woman on her period, consumption of shellfish, and polyester, so they don't really make much sense anymore 3) There is also a heavily supported belief that due to Jesus's crucifixion, all of the 'sins' in Leviticus and throughout the old testament are nullified and rendered void due to eternal salvation, so hopefully that helps.

I promise I'm trying not pushing my religion in any way, shape or form. Please believe (or not believe, for all the atheists and agnostics out there!) in whatever god(s), deities, or faith system you choose! If this sort of religious talk isn't allowed, I'll happily take it down. I just want to give some help from one Scarleteen user to another!

[Alice O]

J.D.,

Thank you so much for what you shared. This is exactly why we have forums for user-to-user discussion, so no need to apologize! Given that Crimson was writing about his experience around family and religion and sexuality, it was definitely appropriate for you to bring up the Bible. So not to worry, we most definitely will not be taking your post down. Rather, we are very grateful for it!

And Crimson, I just wanted to add in that it's totally fine (not just fine, good!) to have future fantasies about being a parent. Fantasies about our futures help us get a sense of what things we want in our lives and also help us have hope! It sounds like being a parent, and not just any parent but a really great, thoughtful one, is important to you. And I am confident that you one day will be one! Whether it with your genes, a partner's genes, both of your genes, someone else's genes...the fact that you are already thinking about how to raise someone with the "happiness and acceptance they deserve" shows that your child is going to be one lucky kid!