Scarleteen

My ex and I have been through for about 2 months. But there are some thoughts that nagged me even while we were dating.

I think he assaulted me. Twice. He pulled down my sports bra in a public walkway one night and began sucking me even when I told him to stop. He later took out his dick while kissing me and began to pleasure himself against me. I told him not to but he didn’t stop until someone else came out on the walkway.

He would coerce me into going down on him and one day when I told him I couldn’t go through with it he simply pushed my head down. On this particular occasion he then ordered me to open my legs and began to finger me even though I asked him to stop; that I wanted to leave. (His house)

I was taught it was what was expected of me and that it was normal, I only felt this way because of what had happened me with a male classmate years before and he was different and when I tried to explain I felt I was being emotionally manipulated in these situations he’d become hurt that I’d accuse him of that.. this happened frequently especially when he was asking me for pictures.. and left me feeling like I was the one in the wrong, maybe I am, I don’t know.

I can’t explain. I feel like he’s taken something but maybe I’m crazy and overreacting.. I feel confused as to what really happened and where do I take it from here.. I’ve been considering calling the rape crisis helpline but I don’t want to waste their time.. it’s all hitting me at once now after months of feeling numb but knowing something was niggling at me..

Hi there MissVerdad, welcome to Scarleteen.

What you're describing here is absolutely sexual assault. Your ex disregarded you when you said no to sexual things, and coerced you into sex. I'm so sorry to hear that he chose to do that to you. People who coerce partners into sex and assault them are often really good at being manipulative and trying to turn things around to make their partners look like the "mean" or "unreasonable" ones, as a way to mask their behavior and draw blame away from their actions. It sounds like your ex did a lot of that, and I'm sorry.

Just so you know, while we're certainly happy to discuss this in any way that would be helpful for you, you can absolutely call a rape crisis line as well! You won't be wasting their time at all. I've been through training as a rape crisis center volunteer and they prepped us for all sorts of calls; there's no minimum level of stress or trauma anyone needs to call in to a hotline. What you're describing is absolutely a call I would have been happy to take when I was in that volunteer position.

How else can we support you right now?