Don't know how to masterbate!

[Tigger1]

Hey,
I'm a 29 yr old female and in all honesty I'm not sure how to masterbate properly! I am trying to figure out how stuff feels down there and not overly keen on touching myself either just seems wrong and shameful! Like you shouldn't be doing it. I have tried a couple of times, totally freaked out and had to stop but I'd like to try again, I'm not sure how I'm gonna get out of my head that I shouldn't be doing it and it's wrong and I should be ashamed of myself. Is it normal for people to do it? Especially at my age! It means I can't relax enough to even try. Is using my fingers the best/only way to do stuff. Please don't think bad of me for asking this stuff, I am so nieve about this stuff.

[Heather]

No one is ever going to think poorly of anyone here for asking questions like this: we know there's a need, and it's why we're here, doing what we do.

The vast, vast majority of people have masturbated and do masturbate, yes. But that doesn't mean anyone HAS to, and it's supposed to be all about feeling good, not just physically, but emotionally. So if you're finding that it's something that doesn't feel good to you, and makes you feel bad, then trying to make yourself do it isn't the way to go.

Instead, you'll probably want to just take some real time to get a sense of why you think or feel there's something wrong with touching your own body parts (or just your genitals, if touching other body parts doesn't create those same negative feelings): is this about something you believe, for instance, or something you feel you have been taught or told? WHY do you feel acting in your own pleasure is shameful, and is that just about masturbation, or other kinds of pleasure in life? Where do you think you got the idea that doing something almost everyone does is wrong? How do you feel about that idea?

You'll probably want to really start to take a look at the sexual attitudes you have on the whole, and get a sense of if you think they're serving you or not, and if not, to look into what you can do to start the gradual process of shifting them so that how you think and feel about sex and sexuality, including masturbation, is of benefit to you and makes you feel good about yourself, rather than negatively.

If you'd like to start talking about any of that here, we'd be happy to do that with you.

[Tigger1]

Hey,
Thank you so much for replying!!
When I was growing up, I grew up in a very strict environment where no one spoke about ANYTHING to do with sex or the body or ANYTHING like that. A very taboo subject. You didn't even think about it yet alone act on it. So sex and everything that goes with that has always been a no go area. I wasnt allowed to do our sex ed classes at school because mum feared it might make me 'wonder' she has always been very overprotective and treats me like a two year old rather than 29. I want to make 'things' feel good but my head gets in the way and then I remember that it's wrong and shameful and I feel guilty and have stop for a while, I do t have any issues touching the rest of my body. I have very low self esteem and lack of confidence due to body size (20/22 clothing) I'm 5ft and basically not overly keen on myself 90% of the time but the days I have tried to explore myself have been upbeat high confident days.

[Heather]

Of course.

It sounds like you're still living at home with these same attitudes: do I have that right? If so, is there anything you can do to start building at least some autonomy and separation? It's pretty hard to start unlearning this stuff and coming to your own conclusions and beliefs, after all, if you don't have any real space -- physical, emotional, interpersonal -- to do that with.

I'd also suggest, just as one small place to start, that you see what you can't do to start interrupting statements you make -- you've done it twice here already, for instance, once in this thread and another in a response to someone else's -- that enable negative thinking about all of this.

So, for example, when you hear yourself (in your head, whether you're also about to type it out or not) say, like you did here, "I want to make 'things' feel good but my head gets in the way and then I remember that it's wrong and shameful..."

You instead do something like this:

You, thinking in your head: "I want to make 'things' feel good but my head gets in the way and then I remember that it's wrong and shameful..."
You, correcting, in your head: "Hold up, it's NOT wrong. It's NOT shameful. It have just been taught that it was, but I don't actually agree with that. It is OKAY and it can be POSITIVE and AFFIRMING."
And then you, were you to choose to type out something like this, because you want to talk about it, instead saying something like, "I want to make 'things' feel good but my head gets in the way and I find myself feeling like it is wrong and shameful."

See the difference there? That way, you don't have to be dishonest about your truth per what you have been taught and what you are struggling with, but you can also a) do that in a way that doesn't just keep cementing those learned ideas, and b) start getting in the habit of interrupting and correcting those learned beliefs with more positive, affirming, and ultimately, beneficial ideas. Make sense?

Of course, that's not magic, it's just one of many steps someone can take and keep taking that, over time, will often play a part in turning this kind of stuff around, but even just doing that each time can feel pretty great.

[Tigger1]

Hey,
Yer I still live at home in a sort of way! I am at home at weekends only and spend the rest of my time away with my job. I have recently become 'friendly' with a guy doing the same job as me and we travel around the country together. He has got me 'feeling' all sorts of new things and I suppose that's where all of these questions I have came from. Up until recently the thought of anything sexual never entered my head!
I am hoping to master my own body before I enter into anything else TBH! I didn't realise it was going to be so difficult but am willing and ready to try new things and new ways of looking at it.

[Heather]

Like I mentioned in another thread, I'd try to let go of the idea of "mastery" with any of this. We really can't "master" our bodies, in any respect, including sexually. All we can do, really, is explore them and take what we can from that, and then inform how we keep exploring moving forward. Sex and sexuality are processes and ongoing adventures, not performance, products or something we can cross off our to-do or bucket lists, you know?

Glad you do have more space away from an environment that sounds like it's been pretty sexually repressive from you than you have in it. If you don't mind me asking, are you going home for the weekends because you want to and like being there? Or....? (Mind, if you don't feel like the weekends there have an impact on this, that's probably not relevant here, so feel free to dismiss that question if it just doesn't feel like it matters when it comes to this stuff).

Can I ask if because you met this person that it sounds like you have sexual feelings for, you think you're feeling any pressure to hurry up your own sexual exploration? In other words, are you feeling like you have to try and race to catch up, as it were, because of this person and your desires for them?

[Tigger1]

basically just going home at weekends to grab clean clothes! I spend my week in various locations living out of a suitcase! (Probably not the best job with an over protective mum!) plus TBH a weekend at home is all I can actually manage given her reluctance to let me explore the world let along anything else!
Yer I guess in some ways I do feel like I need to 'catch up' with different things, i have been so sheltered and don't feel like I know the things I need to know when it comes to sex and I am just trying to work out how I'm feeling about it all. Mainly in all honesty just, scared. Which sounds silly given my age however I know very very little and I want to be able to at least understand some of how I'm feeling. So yes I do feel as though I am trying to catch up!

[Heather]

I'm heading off for the day, but can pick this up again tomorrow, if you like.

What I'd leave you with before then is this: what do you think you can do for yourself to try and give yourself permission to have whatever time you need to go at your own pace here? Even if that means that maybe -- as we'll all often do more than once in life with sexual opportunities -- you take a pass on pursuing anything sexual with this guy that doesn't feel like a fit with where you're at, just as you are?

After all, just because we have feelings for or with someone doesn't mean that pursuing them -- or some of them, or some of them in some ways -- is always right for us. Just having feelings of desire is only one of many pieces that make sexual opportunities right or wring for us. Sometimes the timing is just off!

Btw, while I certainly think that having SOME sexual life on your own before sex with a partner is usually the best way to go, it isn't a requirement, and sometimes, it does happen in reverse for people. I think the bigger issue here for you sounds, to me, to be about you feeling like sex and sexuality (unless you only feel this way about masturbation), your own body, the works, are shameful and wrong. Because when people feel that way, it's often pretty unlikely that sexual interactions or relationships are going to go well and feel beneficial. And alas, there's just no rushing turning around a big history in sex or body negativity, or trying to do those things on a deadline.

Do you think you can give yourself the permission and room to accept that? You may well have some hard feelings about feeling "behind" and hard feelings about being held back sexually in terms of control and repression at home, for sure. So, accepting that might be challenging and you might also wish you didn't have to and COULD somehow put all this in some kind of time machine where you jump it all forward super-fast. Alas, that's just not realistic, and trying to hurry this kind of stuff up also probably not only won't be doable, it also could leave you feeling conflicted and troubled in new ways. Know what I mean?

[Tigger1]

Erm.....yes I guess....I mean I don't wanna feel like such a child when it comes to all this stuff and yes I have the same views on everything to do with sex and sexuality not just masterbation BUT that being said for the first time ever I actually FEEL things and I'm not entirely sure where or what to focus on, if anything! I don't want to nesessarily jump head first into ALL of this but I do feel fairly lost in it! My head is saying one thing and my body tells me another. But I understand that timing can sometimes be off! It appears pretty off now in many ways yet I wish it wasn't!! I do partly want to explore how I'm feeling but as I have said am scared at the same time. #feelsconfusing. What if I don't get to feel this way again, what if after 29yrs that's my luck gone because it's taken me this long to open up to things a bit more and actually pay attention to how I'm feeling. If you get this!?!

[Heather]

This isn't about being a child. It's about having whatever pace you have based on your own life circumstances and situations.

If it helps to have a basis of comparison, recognize that for many gay and lesbian people through history, their sexual upbringings were utterly silent on their sexualities and at best, repressive, and at worst, downright terrorist. On top of that, many -- and more to the point, most -- had few to no opportunities to begin sexual relationships that spoke to their sexualities until later in life. For plenty, we're talking in their 40s, 50s or 60s, not their 20s. Just like for you, this wasn't about anyone being children, but about unique circumstances and situations, and sexual lives that were reflective of them.

I don't think "What if this is the only chance I get?" is a sound route with this. Because the truth is, even if it were, if the timing is all wrong for you and this isn't an opportunity for you that's likely to be beneficial and positive, I'd argue that none is better than bad news. More realistically, though, this won't be the only chance you'll get at this, and hopefully in all your life, most of what you pursue sexually will be what you pursue when your heart, head and sense of self and what's right for you at a given time are in alignment.

Can I lobby for you to have another go considering what you can do to give yourself permission to have your own pace with all this and NOT think from a place of scarcity, rather than doubling down and continuing to put pressure on yourself? I just don't see how that's going to benefit you or lead to the good stuff: do you?

[Heather]

You might also find this piece is good food for thought for you: How to Understand, Identify and Make Choices About Desire.

This basic rundown on readiness for sex with a partner may also come in handy: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... _checklist

And this: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

[Tigger1]

Hey Heather
What your saying does make sense. I kinda get where your coming from I'm some ways.
I don't know how I'm going to try and give myself the time/permission to go at my own pace etc TBH

[Tigger1]

Just read the articles above and can hand on heart say I am totally NOT ready for ALL of this yet! I do feel the whole desire thing when I'm with him and I DO have physical changes when I'm with him but emotionally I am def NOT ready yet!! Will he think I'm weird if I turn him down? Do I have to tell him I haven't done anything before? What if he laughs at me? I just don't feel ready and maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not but I can say after reading all of this that I don't want to jump head first and regret it...

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

I hope you don't mind my chiming in. I'm glad the articles were helpful!

We can't say what his reaction will be if you say you're not ready for this, but ultimately his reaction is less important than the fact that you're not ready. He'll have what feelings he'll have, but it's in your best interest to let him know where your boundaries are (plus, if his reaction is to not respect them or to whine or try to pressure you, that will tell you that he's not a person to do anything sexual with).

As for how to talk to him about this, that yes, no, maybe article is really helpful for figuring out what you're each okay with. For more general advice on how to have those kinds of talks, this is a great article: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner . Too, if his reaction to your lack of experience is to laugh or to belittle you, that's another sign that he's not a person to be having sex with.

[Tigger1]

Ok so what if I feel I'm not ready for sex but would maybe be ok with trying other stuff?! In my opinion I do like this guy and do find myself having sexual feelings towards him. I just don't feel ready for ALL of it! Am I going to fast because I feel like I need to catch up, because of the feelings I have, lust? Weird kinda asking myself those questions at the same time my answers are I just don't know! I'm no less scared to try other things but think that's just the fear of the unknown coming through there! Can I stop stuff if it's too much or I'm not sure about it or it just feels weird. Would that not be leading someone on?! What happens if I am in the situation where I'm doing other stuff and I find myself wanting to do ALL of it? Omg this is so embarrassing to talk about!!!!!! What then? Will I know when I'm ready or will it just fall into place, will I do stuff because I'm caught up in the moment and then regret it? How does one stop that? Communication is one thing but I find it REALLY embarrassing to talk about this sort of thing and even writing on here has been a massive step for me to take! Guess because it's always been taboo! (In my family and networks etc anyway!) oh so confused here! Tried to masterbate again last night and got little from it but kind of feel like I've got all of this stuff building up inside me with no release of that makes any sense?!

[Heather]

Before I say anything else, I just want to comment that the emotional tenor of your response here sounds very panicked to me. That suggests to me something you have already pretty clearly stated for yourself here, that the idea of moving into sex -- and when we say sex, we don't just mean intercourse, but simply ways of actively expressing and exploring your sexuality with another person -- anytime soon with someone else, or even yourself, alone right now, feels like too much, too soon.

I'd encourage you to listen to yourself in that department. By all means, sexual desire can feel very heady and immediate, and I also understand wanting to grab at an opportunity if it feels like you've waited a long time for one, or you worry (even though, again, this isn't likely reality) it may be the only one you get. However, feeling rushed into any kind of sex, or trying to do things that freak you out, that feel over your head, that you feel grossly unprepared for just doesn't result in sex that feels like a good thing and brings benefits to people's lives. And if it doesn't benefit you, and isn't something you find you feel good about, what's the point?

Really, if you want my take this DOES sound like too much too soon: way too much, too soon. You DO sound grossly unprepared, and like you need some real time to start educating yourself and start your own process of exploration with your sexuality and sex by yourself, and when someone else is involved, only with someone else when it can happen at a pace that you really feel comfortable with. This just doesn't sound like that situation, if for no other reason than that it doesn't sound like you -- all by yourself -- are at the point where you are able to give yourself permission to have your own pace and start exploring this in a way that really aligns with where you're at.

Know what I mean?

Looking at your questions above, I can give you some more pieces to get you started with the education and self-reflection piece.

When you ask about things like if you can stop sex if it doesn't feel right, you're asking about sexual consenting, which isn't about a yes or no once, but throughout any sexual activity, for everyone involved, always. So yes, anyone -- you included -- always has the right to stop, pause, ask for something different, the works. And no, that's not leading someone on, because no one owes anyone sex, ever. Just like you can agree to go see a movie with friends and walk out in the middle if you hate it or are just bored and it's not a big deal, the same should go with sex.

Some starter content on that arena:
• Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent
• Don't Want To Have Sex?
• Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

When you ask about finding yourself in a sexual situation where you want to do everything sexual under the sun: a) given how many things people can do at one time, or even in one day, that's not realistically possible (:P), and b) again, feeling the sexual desire to do sexual things is ONE piece of our sexual choices, not all the pieces. So, if you ever find you want to do a bunch of sexual things -- you feel the sexual desire for them -- and ALSO are in a situation where that's right for you and everyone else in all the ways, then great! In that case, doing those things is likely to be a good choice for you and that other person. On the other hand, if you feel sexual desire for things that aren't right in some way, or in a bunch of ways -- like not feeling ready or able to openly communicate, like feeling shameful and emotionally conflicted, like feeling unable to set limits you need because you are too worried about what the other person will think of you -- then chances are good that putting those desires into action in that situation isn't the wisest thing of ever.

Here is some content that can fill you in on some of that:
• How to Understand, Identify and Make Choices About Desire (Know I already linked you to this, but sounds like you might not have really absorbed some of it, given this last response, unless your panic about all of this is just clouding your thinking, which is totally possible -- thus, I'd circle back to what I said up there about listening to your own feelings and recognizing that if all this is making you panic, it's a clear message from your head that sexual activity with someone else, or this someone else, anytime soon is clearly too soon for you)
• Risky Business: Learning to Consider Risk and Make Sound Sexual Choices
• Safer Sex...for Your Heart
• Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast

I want to put in a reminder that sexual readiness, or a sexual life and sexuality, full-stop, isn't a test you can cram for and ace. So, when I share a bunch of links like this, my aim is to give you some things to take real time to read, then real time to start thinking about, over time. Time as in days, weeks and months, not minutes or hours. Not only does it take real time just to read and digest this stuff, it takes even more time to really marinate in it, reflect on it, and then start to figure out how to contextualize it with who you are, what you want and need, and the circumstances of your own life.

[Tigger1]

Thank you!!
Yes the whole thing is making me very panicked TBH.
I will read all the links again over time, think your right that things are clouding my thinking!!!

All I can say is thank you for your advise and for taking the time out to help me out!

[Heather]

Happy to be of help.

[Tigger1]

Can I ask another couple of question please?

When you say no one owes anyone sex, is that true? What if something was said but you weren't really thinking things through at the time.

As per my original post, I don't know how to do things properly on my own and I have all of this pent up erm stuff with no release and not sure where to focus it. Is that normal? Any ideas of how to stop feeling like this given my reluctance to keep doing what I've been trying.

Sorry if this is all within the links but decided not to read them tonight as I won't take all that information in all at once

And I am working with this guy tomorrow as well as staying in same places for the week and wanna get my head into gear a bit to stand up for myself, if you get me!

Thanks again, it's appreciated

[Heather]

When you say no one owes anyone sex, is that true? What if something was said but you weren't really thinking things through at the time.

Let me give you an example about this with a different part of life:

Let's say you offer me some ice cream. I say yes. You make me the ice cream and give it to me.

Yet, as I get a spoonful of it close to my lips, I realize I have somehow totally forgotten -- how, who knows? -- that I am highly allergic to dairy (true story). So, I say, "Oh, whoops! Sorry, forgot I can't have this!" And then you say -- unless you are a complete jerk, "No big!" and either eat it yourself, give it to someone else, or just rinse it down the drain.

Or, try on this one for size:

I ask you to come with me to go rollerskating, because I love rollerskating more than almost anything (also a true story). You don't know how you feel about it, but a) you want to find out, and b) you like me and how excited I am about it and how excited I am about you doing it with me, so you say sure.

But then you try it, and it turns out that you don't like it. Maybe it hurts your legs. Maybe you keep falling and that sucks for you. Maybe you're just bored to tears. So, you tell me that, and say you're going to go sit on that bench over there while I finish rollerskating and I should have fun. And unless *I* am a total jerk, I'll say something like, "Aw, bummer, so sorry it wasn't fun for you! Sure, I just want to get my groove on for a little bit more, then let's think of something to do after you know you like, cool?"

Sex is JUST like those situations, or at least it shouldn't be. And when it isn't, someone is either being a jerk -- by not being cool about the fact that people change their minds with sex like anything else, or find out they're not into something, like with anything else -- someone doesn't feel they have the right to stop with anything sexual just like they do with anything else in life, or both.

Make sense? (And indeed, some of this is in some of the content I shared with you, so while I'm fine fine-tuning and talking, I'd again lobby for you not trying to cram all of this in at once. Again, of course you can't read and digest all of that now: but you also can't know all of this now. The good news is, you don't have to.)

I don't know what "pent-up stuff" is, so to answer that one, I'll need you to give me a better idea of what you mean by that.

[Tigger1]

Sorry Heather!
Like I said I am not planning on reading everything all at once because it would just be like brain overload TBH! im sorry if your just going over what you have already linked me! Just find it easier talking about some things than reading them! If that makes sense. Prob not as I'm reading your posts but I know what I mean :( :/
Erm ok so this is embarrassing (to me anyway!) I have feelings of arousal everytime I'm with this guy, every time I think about him, or talk to him, my body reacts. Yet I have no way of releasing the tensions I am feeling, therefore it kind of gets pent up. Which is why I feel like taking some steps with him might be a good way to go and to just wing it BUT that being said I have taken on board your comments and also allowed myself to be honest with you about the fact that I am NOT feeliing ready for those steps and just felt like I was playing catch up as well as agreeing to something in a spare off the moment thing.
Mmmm hopefully this makes sense!

[Heather]

So, there's an interesting thing about that, and that's this: masturbation, sex or orgasm doesn't actually "release" those feelings. Truly.

Any of that can feel like it answers them sometimes or in some ways (and doesn't other times: we can have sex or masturbate and yet still feel like those desires don't feel answered, and still feel intense and unsated, including when we have very much enjoyed masturbation or sex with partners), but our bodies aren't like balloons that fill up with sexual "stuff" that is somehow magically "released" by sexual activity.

Instead, feelings of sexual desire will usually just come and go, with or without any kind of sexual activity, alone or with partners. Sometimes we can hold on to that stuff in our heads so much, however, that it can feel like we're going to explode from it, but a) we won't, and b) that's more about how we're holding unto it than what we are or aren't doing sexually.

Any kind of feelings of tension in our minds or bodies are ultimately feelings of stress, so what we want to do when we're feeling tense, in any regard, are the wide range of things we can do to manage stress. For plenty of people, whether the stress is sexual or not, masturbation or sex with partners is certainly one way to manage some stress, but it's not the only way, not by a serious long shot, so when those things either aren't right for you, or seem to increase stress (as it sounds like your attempts at masturbation lately have done) rather than help to reduce it, you want to instead explore other ways of managing and reducing stress. Make sense?

[Tigger1]

I had no idea!! I seriously thought it was all down to not doing things sexually and/ or not doing it right!
So basically what I think your saying is chill And eventually given time and a bit of research things will start to fall into place as much as they can do anyway, that eventually I will feel ready for these things but not for a while!
Is that right?

[Heather]

DINGDINGDING!

[Tigger1]

LOL!!!
That made me smile!!

Thank you for the advise, it really is appreciated! You have a great website and do amazing work!!
Thank you!!!