What to do in the aftermath of cheating

[queerdoughnut]

This is going to be a long post because I've gotten myself into a complicated situation:

I am currently in a relationship with someone, I'll call him K. K and I have been dating for almost 4 months. When we began dating, I mentioned that I wasn't entirely comfortable with monogamous relationships.

I didn't talk to K about this because I wasn't entirely comfortable doing so yet, but for some background: My most recent previous relationship ended because I cheated on my long distance partner after he wanted a monogamous relationship and I was more interested in an open relationship but didn't want to lose what I had with him so I agreed to try monogamy. Then, when I really should have just ended the relationship because it wasn't what I wanted, I ended up cheating on my partner (which I recognize now was a way of forcing us to break up in a way that felt easier for me than just talking).

K said he was okay with the possibility of an open relationship, but we both said that we didn't really know what an open relationship for us would entail, and that we should revisit this discussion at a later time. That has not yet happened, so we've been de facto monogamous this whole relationship.

K and I took a trip together last week, and about halfway through the trip, K told me he loved me, and I said it back, but later realized that I was not yet at a point where I was comfortable saying "I love you" back to him. I didn't want to ruin the rest of the trip, so I didn't bring this up, but I was planning on talking about it when we both were together again in two weeks.

After our trip, I went to visit a friend I know from online, who I'll call D, for a week before going back to school where K and I both go. D has a roommate, who I'll call HF, who he has talked about a lot to me. I've had a little crush on HF for a bit, but it has never come up as an issue in my relationship with K because HF and D live so far away that I figured it would never be an issue IRL. One night, I ended up going out with D and HF and some other friends, and HF was flirting with me and I flirted back, and then I slept with HF.

I woke up the next morning feeling guilty, but this wasn't like the last time I cheated, where I used it because I wanted a catalyst to break up. I care a lot about K, but I also am not as sexually attracted to him as I am to HF. K and I are sexually compatible (there's definitely attraction and chemistry, and we have enjoyable sex), but I don't look at him and go: wow he's so hot.

Then the next night D's friend (C) and her boyfriend (J) came over and we were all getting along, and I'd been jokingly flirting with C. When it was time to go to bed, C and J were sleeping on the pull out couch next to the couch I was sleeping on. C and J invited me to join them in bed. At first we were just cuddling, but then it escalated and we ended up having sex. It was very enjoyable, and I would like to talk to K about my sexuality in context of this experience, but obviously that's not the main issue at the moment.

In both cases, the cheating has been purely sexual. I have been on some medication that makes it difficult for me to feel aroused, and it has made it hard to have enjoyable sex. I don't think I cheated because there is an underlying issue in my relationship with K. I think that I was being selfish and wanted to have experiences that I would not be able to have with K. I know I should have talked to K about my desires and had a real conversation about what we are each okay with in the relationship, but I didn't, and I can't go back and undo anything now. I think that my urge/desire to cheat comes only when I am not with K, either because we are far apart or just that he is busy and cannot spend time with me. I don't think I would have cheated in either of these instances if K had been here with me.

I haven't yet told K about what happened, and I am debating whether or not I should. On the one hand, I am feeling guilty enough that I think it will be impossible just to ignore and avoid what I did and not bring it up. On the other hand, I feel like I owe it to K to be honest about what I did and what happened so we can have a conversation about what we should do moving forward (open the relationship, remain monagomous, break up, etc). I am less scared of K wanting to break up with me than I am of hurting him (though I guess I already hurt him by cheating, and he just hasn't found out yet). I'm also still interested in an open relationship, but I feel like it's definitely not the time to push that issue on top of everything else.

I am very unsure as to how I should handle this, and want to figure it out before I see K again in two days. Any advice or guidance would be helpful.

[Heather]

Tis is a lot. As you know.

Before anything else, I want to check in on one thing with you. One big takeaway for me from all this is just that it very much sounds like monogamy is NOT for you and is NOT what you want. Your choices, on top of other things, make it seem pretty clear to me you want to be able to have or pursue other sexual partners, not be sexually exclusive with one person. Do I have that right?

[queerdoughnut]

Hi Heather,

Thanks for your response. I think that monogamy is not for me, but I've never really had the chance to try non-monogamous relationships, so even though I've read all the posts on how to do that, it all feels much more difficult and scary in person, and I end up in monogamy by default.

I also think that, while I may ultimately not want monogamy, I don't have these feelings or urges or act on them when I am with a monogamous partner. It's only when we are apart that these issues come up for me.

[Heather]

Okay. And I can certainly understand that. After all, monogamy is, by and large, viewed (and internalized) by most as a cultural default, and even more so, a cultural ideal. It's challenging to go outside of it, even with good instructions about how to do that.

So, what I'm seeing here is a combination of things. I for sure see you passively agreeing to monogamy when that clearly doesn't work for you, and when it isn't what you want (I'd say not wanting nonmonogamy while literally, physically with one partner is pretty typical, and not an indication monogamy is for us: we can only think about so many things at once, after all, and a lover can for sure capture our attention completely when we're with them, even if we want or have others). But it also sounds like you might be having some struggles with impulse control: that you might be choosing to be with other people when you might want that sexually, but when the context isn't right, so it wouldn't be what you'd ideally choose, like choosing to cheat instead of engaging in consensual nonmonogamy. Does that sound right(ish)?

I do personally think you should tell K about this, for a few reasons, including that if you want to engage in a truly intimate relationship with him, one of depth and one that's honest, you have to be honest about all of this. It very well may be that that ends your relationship, as you're probably aware. There's more to say about that if it does, but I think if it does end it, it's probably for the best for you both; for you because it's just not going to likely work out for you to be able to create and engage in ethical relationships if you aren't honest. In this case, that might very well mean with the next person you get involved with who isn't K. But I would personally advise taking that risk and telling them the truth, pretty much just like you told it here. How do you feel about that? How do you feel about your options here, period?

[queerdoughnut]

So, what I'm seeing here is a combination of things. I for sure see you passively agreeing to monogamy when that clearly doesn't work for you, and when it isn't what you want (I'd say not wanting nonmonogamy while literally, physically with one partner is pretty typical, and not an indication monogamy is for us: we can only think about so many things at once, after all, and a lover can for sure capture our attention completely when we're with them, even if we want or have others). But it also sounds like you might be having some struggles with impulse control: that you might be choosing to be with other people when you might want that sexually, but when the context isn't right, so it wouldn't be what you'd ideally choose, like choosing to cheat instead of engaging in consensual nonmonogamy. Does that sound right(ish)?

This all sounds right to me. I think the impulse control part especially resonates with me.

What you say about telling K makes sense too, but I am worried about the timing of doing that. I could have a video call and come out with what happened, or wait until I'm back at school in a few days and can have this talk in person. I'm also worried because we share a bunch of friends at school (I'd say most of my close friends are also close with K) and I'm worried about the impact this will have on that as well. I realize this is all stuff I should have thought about before the cheating, but again, can't change the past.

I'm also wondering if you have any advice on working to strengthen my impulse control. I feel like a lot of my problem stems from previous experiences where I have let others dictate my choices or tell me what to do, so now as a way of fighting against that, I've swung too far in the other direction and am too selfish in my choices. I'd like to work on this so I can have healthy relationships with people in a way that balances our needs rather than heavily favoring their needs over mine (or vice versa).

[Heather]

In terms of the issues with sexual impulsivity, that's something I'd suggest you find a good counselor/therapist to work with if that's possible. I also personally have intellectual conflicts and issues with addiction frameworks applied to sex, however, some people do benefit from sex/love addicts anonymous groups and supports, and those are free. You could see if any meetings are around you and just check one out to see if it looks like a fit, particularly if counseling isn't within immediate reach.

That aside, I think doing all you can to make and keep yourself accountable will get you far when it comes to impulsivity. That may mean things like being honest with K, but it can also mean things like telling people -- like the ones you wound up being sexual with in this post -- from the front about having issues with impulsivity, about being in monogamy (when you are) and thus not wanting to break your agreements, etc. It's much easier to be impulsive like this when no one who would be part of that knows this is an issue for you, or knows, for instance, you're supposed to be being exclusive. (We can talk more if you want about people who know that and try and change your mind, because to me, those people should probably be dumped from your life, or anyone's life, ASAP.)

I get all your concerns with being honest. And I also get that a lot of these choices are choices you basically already made in choosing to do what you did. Like, let's say you aren't the one to tell K what happened. If you share this social circle, someone will. So, K is likely getting told no matter what. Or, some of your shared friends may be angry with you: but again, you made these choices, and hiding out from them is only going to help keep you able to keep making shady choices, you know?

Per the timing, what do you feel best about? What feels like the best way to tell K within your options?

[queerdoughnut]

Thinking about it, a lot of issues I deal with seem to be tied to accountability and impulse control, so this is a thread I should definitely pursue further. I'm definitely going to seek out a therapist who can help me with this. I've been in therapy for other issues in the past, but the person I've been working with most recently hasn't been a good fit, so finding someone new who can particularly help me with impulsivity in addition to other stuff sounds like a good plan. I'm not sure the support group thing sounds like it will work for me (I share similar concerns about that use of an addiction framework). I do think that a group would help with accountability (because a lot of my fear stems from people finding out and thinking I'm a terrible person--which I don't blame people for, but also think that cheating is not an irredeemable sin kind of thing, rather it's something people who cheat need to acknowledge, address, and work to fix). Maybe the therapist will have more thoughts.

The only reason why I even considered not telling K about me cheating is because it happened with all people who aren't shared friends with K (D and K don't know each other, but D knows about K, and the people I cheated with also don't know K--and don't know about K). I don't intend on seeing these people again (while I'm with K because I don't want to further hurt him or break his trust, and in general because of distance), but in future instances where I don't trust my impulse control, I definitely think letting people know about my issues with impulse control will be a good way of holding myself accountable (and I agree with you about the people who would try to change my mind).

K and I just talked because he was dealing with some stuff of his own, and I didn't say anything because I didn't want to overshadow his issue or put him in a position where he was dealing with both things on his own, but it definitely solidified my decision that I do need to say something. At this point I think it makes sense just to wait until we can talk in person, though. I may need some help holding myself accountable to that though, because I've found that I often tell myself I'm going to have a difficult conversation, but then end up having anxiety about it and just avoiding it. I think that's what happened with the initial monogamy conversation in the first place.

[Heather]

This all sounds good to me, and it sounds like you really are doing your best here. I hope you're giving yourself some props for that. It does matter to do what you can to do right by yourself and others after mucking up, and from what I can tell, you're doing your best with that.

I would be happy to be part of helping you with that accountability if you like, just by leaving a reminder post here,or, if we keep talking, by helping you create a plan for this talk.

[queerdoughnut]

I got home and told K about what happened. It was really difficult but he said he is willing to work through this with me and I am very glad I was honest instead of hiding this. Thank you for your advice/guidance.

[Heather]

I am so glad to hear all of this, and so glad for you: thank you for sharing it with me.

Is thre anything else I can do fro you around it right now?