Scarleteen

I am not sure what exactly I want to ask, but maybe someone can say something helpful anyway

The situation is as follows:
I, 24, have been out as a lesbian for many years. Half a year ago I started dating a woman who has only just realized she is bi. We both weren't looking for a relationship in the beginning, but gradually drifted into one. I have fallen in love with her over time and I'd like to try having a more serious relationship with her.
A while ago she told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted that. More precisely, she wasn't sure what exactly her feelings meant, because she had never dated women before and didn't have anything to compare it to. As far as I understood, she doesn't know if she could have a relationship with a woman, on top of wondering if she wants one at all right now. She said it kept shifting, sometimes it felt just right and sometimes it felt weird. I had expected something along that line, but it still hurt like hell. She seemed genuine in wanting to try and figure things out though, so I promised to wait a while.
For the last few weeks, she has been in a different city for an internship, and I have felt pretty miserable. Firstly, of course, I miss her, which is unpleasant but ok. Secondly, I have found myself starting to doubt everything she says, and everything we have, which is more of a problem. When she tells me she's missing me, I wonder if she is only saying that because I want to hear it, etc. And when she doesn't say anything, I am convinced she doesn't care.
I am terribly afraid of next week when I will go visit her, because I am scared she might tell me my fear was right, and it all wasn't real. On an intellectual level I know that is nonsense. All she said is "I don't know.". Still, I keep hearing "No."
Yesterday, she cut her hair short, in part to show her new identity, as she said. I like the look and the fact that she's so proud of it, but it also made me a little confused and angry. Why show symbols if you aren't even sure what you want?

I can understand her situation somehow. Coming out takes a long time for most people (it sure did for me), and coming out as bi is even more complicated because there are so many different flavors of bi. You can be sexually/romantically attracted to people of different genders and to varying degrees and those different dimensions don't neccessarily match, you might behave differently in relationships with one or the other etc. The question of sexual identity can only be answered empirically, and her sample size is one... Of course she cannot really make any conclusions, she's probably super confused. But can I give her the time to figure stuff out? Right now I feel like I can't.
Let me clarify. We are both students, so neither of us can make big, life-changing plans now and even if we could, it would be too early for that. I don't want us to get married or anything. She doesn't need to know her exact identity either (and there is no such thing as a fixed identity anyway). She can figure most of it out on the way, but I need to know, that right now she loves me and wants to be with me.

Maybe that is the point after all? Maybe orientation has nothing to do with it and we just don't fit personally?

Now I am asking myself how to deal with it all. Waiting hurts. Behaving like I would in a relationship while not knowing if she loves me back really pulled me down these last weeks. I don't want to be something in-between anymore. At the same time I am afraid of scaring her away if I ask her to just decide already. Next week, I will go visit her, and we will probably need a day or so to get used to each other again. Seeing myself now, I am afraid I might not even be able to put off talking for that first evening because not knowing where we stand just feels so wrong. But then that might scare her again and then she might panic and just break up and that's where my thoughts start running in circles...

On top of it all, I will move away soon, not very far, but far enough that we could only see each other on the weekends. That makes it even more important to know how serious this is and whether we want to do long-distance.

How do I know if waiting for her to figure things out is a good idea, if she is worth waiting for, or if I am only high on hormones and hurting myself? And yes, I know I need to talk to her, but what do I tell her?

Can one of you make sense out of this? I think I might be a little lost in my own mind... Looking forward to your answers, thank you!

Hi Nickielenvers,

This sounds like a stressful situation for both of you. Can you give me a sense of whether or not the topic of taking a break has come up between you two before? It sounds like she needs time to process and reevaluate her feelings about being in a relationship, period, as well as her feelings about her sexual orientation. And it sounds like you'd prefer to not be in a place where you're constantly wondering where the relationship stands. So asking for a break might be useful for both of you.

Too, how is your relationship aside from this issue. Are you two generally compatible and happy with each other?

Hi Sam, thank you for your answer! Yes, you're right, it is probably as much about "relationship, period", as it is about orientation.

We haven't discussed the possibility of a break so far, although a friend of mine also suggested it. Somehow break to me sounds like on-and-off highschool drama, not something actually helpful, but maybe it's worth trying. How does that generally work? Do people stay in contact during the break? How long should it last?

Aside from that, I think we're great together. We think very similarly about most things, although of course we have different personalities. We're both not easily jealous, and so far, we've been very good at figuring each other out and dealing with any difficulties. Oh and there's sex, which is amazing...
It's a little difficult to tell what exactly you want to know about, but feel free to ask.

You're welcome!

If you and your girlfriend decided to take a break, you'd want to have a detailed discussion about what the break would look like (including whether you each had the option of pursuing other romantic partners during it) and how long it would last. There's no guarantee that a break would help or give her more clarity about what she wants, but it might remove some of the pressure you're both feeling to resolve the question of how she feels and what that means for your relationship.

Before you have the conversation about taking a break, I think it's important that the two of you do a relationship check-in to see where you're both at in terms of how you're feeling about things. You've got some concerns that you'd like to address, and she may have some concerns or feelings to share as well. If you want to talk about how you might approach that conversation, that's something we can help you brainstorm.

Ok, say geronimo!
We both know we need that talk, so approaching it shouldn't be too hard.
I'll think about what I need to say and we'll see what she has to say.

Sounds like a plan! Best of luck with the conversation and please feel free to ask for feedback or ask more questions if you need to (about this topic or about anything else sex or relationships related).