Scarleteen

Heads up. There are going to be triggers, like, lots of them. *SERIOUSLY. MANY TRIGGERS. FOR CONSENT AND AGE ISSUES. THERE IS STUFF ABOUT SOMEONE TOO YOUNG TO LEGALLY CONSENT. I DO NOT WANT TO TRIGGER PEOPLE. IF YOU HAVE TRIGGERS ABOUT CONSENT OR PEOPLE ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE AGE OF CONSENT DO NOT READ* This has a lot of issues around consent and age and whatnot. So. Yeah.

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HERE BE TRIGGER SPACE
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IF YOU CLICKED ON THIS PAGE PLEASE READ THE THING AT THE VERY TOP BEFORE YOU READ LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE
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SERIOUSLY. This is the last four lines of trigger space here-
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When I was 17, my mom went back to college. She signed up for a two-year degree at a for-profit little technical college, not the best choice, but yeah. Her reasoning was less about the degree and more about three people she'd known had died in the past year, and she needed desperately to get out of the house.

So it worked, soon she was carpooling three ladies to the college with her, three days a week. One of them was very nice, she'd come visit, I'd help her with math or writing an essay. She always got us pizza and played around with our puppy. Another was also pretty nice, we'd go visit and play with her cat, she had a difficult living situation and she'd come stay with us sometimes. And the last one was a mother, she had two children. Her daughter was nine, and her son was fourteen.

I turned 18 a couple months after my mom enrolled at the school and I graduated high school that May.

That summer, the mother needed someone to watch her children. She was...she treated her daughter very badly and was overly protective of her son-he could do no wrong in her eyes. And he's still very young and absolutely needs to be watched. That's why she was still looking for someone to watch them, even when he was 14 and could probably watch his sister just fine for a few hours. The person who normally watched them had moved over the past year.

My brother, I love him, but he's difficult to be around. I wanted out of the house. So yeah, I'll keep an eye on a couple of kids, walk around the neighborhood with them, play hide and seek, make sure they don't hurt themselves. Whatever, no problem.

About halfway through the summer these kids and I were playing around tickling each other, and they'd 'pinned' me down, one on either side holding my arms, tickling my ribs and armpits. The son reached his hand through my sleeve and groped at my breast. As I was leaving he asked, worried, if I was going to say anything. I said no.


I...I couldn't fathom saying anything.

My brother was sixteen at the time. From the time he was maybe four, maybe five, he would do whatever he wanted to me and my things. And all I ever heard from my parents was "I don't want to hear about it."

For about eleven years, if my brother hugged me when I didn't want him to, and I tried to shove him away or ask my parents to make him stop, they told me to just let him do what he wanted, he'll get bored and leave you alone. He wants a reaction from you and if you just let him do what he wants he'll go away.

If he burst into my room while I was changing, poked at me, grabbed my arm, tried to give me a kiss, literally anything, the response was to just let him do what he wants. Don't complain. I don't want to hear about it. My mom finally agreed to put a lock on my door, later that year. I was eighteen, nearly nineteen, and this was the first time in my life that I could lock my door.

If I shoved at him, yelled at him, anything to discourage him or make him go away, he would go to my parents and I would get yelled at, for doing something. Don't do anything, don't say anything, just let him do what he wants. I don't want to hear him whining again. Just let him read your book already, what's it hurting. Let him hug you, I don't care if you don't want it, it's not hurting anything, I'm just tired and I don't want to hear him screaming about this any more.


That's the best way I can explain this. I just...I remember being shocked that the son would ask if I were going to say anything, because of course not, I'm not supposed to. I'll get in trouble. If I yell at him, I'll get in trouble. My purpose is like...like the cat or the dog in the household. Mom's having a bad day so she gets the cat to come sit next to her, and if the cat wants to wander off she grabs it and puts it back next to her because she's having a bad day and the cat is supposed to make her feel better. Dad is tired of dealing with his son so he takes the dog out for a walk, and the dog went for a walk earlier and would really like to just lie down and rest now but he needs time out of the house so the dog is going on a walk. Son is angry about a bad grade so he kicks at the family pet and that is its purpose, it is just the receptacle for what everyone else wants. In between anyone having issues, it can go do what it wants, but if someone wants it, it puts down its book or its knitting or it stops just lying on its bed relaxing and enjoying the quiet, and it goes in the other room.

I don't recall ever having a refusal to do something honored. My mom would ask me to come watch something with her and when I expressed that I was in my room, and I was comfortable, she'd comment, sadly, "Well, if you really don't want to, you don't *have* to..." and then when I jumped up to leave, she'd basically go "You aren't supposed to take me up on it! Please stay?!" and then I'd realize that please come watch was a command, not a query. Ditto for my father asking me to go to the store, when my brother was driving him nuts. No doesn't mean anything, no is a cute word that equals "Well, I'm expressing reluctance, but I'll go along with it".


Back to the babysitting.

For the next month or so, the rest of summer, the son continued this.

He slid his hand into my shirt and when he got a chance, down my pants, to grope at me.

I wore looser pants, with tight belts, to hope that not being able to see anything from an outline of the pants and that having a tight belt on would make it more difficult to get past the waistband. It worked for that but I couldn't come up with anything for my top half.

I felt sick. I ended up making myself physically sick, a few times, not like eating disorder trying to purge but like anxiety and fear and terror causing getting sick. Typing this out is doing the same thing. I felt dirty and disgusting and I still do. My girlfriend doesn't know about any of this, nobody does.

It has taken the year and a half that I have been with my girlfriend for me to be able to tell her to stop doing something. I still can't most of the time. I have let her touch me, kiss me, when I am feeling fragile and scared and any kind of touch makes me want to be sick, when I want to shove her away, because my brain is telling me to just freeze and stay and let them do what they want. Girlfriend and I are asexual, and to some extent sex repulsed, which is reassuring because if her touching me involved more than hugging and kissing, rubbing my arms, rubbing my legs, I think I would get sick.


I know that I probably need to go to a psych person. Like, desperately. Rationally I realize that between all of the issues with my parents, and this, that I am kind of severely broken. I need help.

But I was the adult here. And this isn't that kid's fault, I know that. Because he was fourteen and there are literally laws about this. I am the one who needs to say no and stop and you aren't allowed to do this. And I know that. And I knew that then. But I just...it was like, telling someone from the fourteenth century to google a thing. It's not just, I can't do that, it's, I have no idea what you mean, that isn't an option. That is not on the list of options. I do not have that option. My options are to freeze in place and let the person do whatever they want because they want to do this, and that is my purpose, to be what other people need. I remember the shock I had when this kid asked if I was going to say anything, just like, but that isn't an option, how do you not know that? I don't have that option, nobody put a no button in my brain.

And I just...

I need to tell someone. This is the only place I really have that nobody knows I have.
I need to hear that I should go to a psych person, if that is true and I should. I don't know if I can trust my brain. I don't know if this is normal or not and maybe other people can function like this and I'm just more broken than I thought but maybe that means I should go to a psych person even more. If I could I'd go inpatient because I have friends who have been in brain hospitals and it is miserable and bad but having someone else making sure that my brain is working would be so incredible.
I am so scared because I feel like I have been hurt and I feel like I have been damaged but I can't be, because I am the bad one here. And I don't know what to do because if I go into a psych person and I am the bad one then they won't help me and there is no point in going. I should feel bad I should feel gross because I am because I didn't say to stop I didn't tell anyone and I am the one in charge that is my job.
I'm just...
I suppose I am probably not allowed to tell my girlfriend that no I am ok no really i am fine just with exceptions if i am like sick and shaking because typing this. i am just so, i don't know what i am doing and i am scared and confused and i don't know who i am or what i need to do or anything.

Hello Kawani,
Others will be along soon to help you with this, but I want to jump in here real quick and tell you three things:
- You have come to the right place and you are welcome here. I will say it again: welcome back, Kawani! You'll find people who understand you here.
- Telling this here was a Very Good Thing you did for yourself. Good for you, you did exactly the right thing here. I hope you can manage to be a little bit proud.
- None of what happened was in any way your fault. Take it from one who's been there. You are not the bad one!

I'm so sorry that these things happened to you, kawani.

Like Snorkmaiden said, none of this was your fault.

With the 14-year-old, you were not "the bad one" - you weren't "the bad one" in Any of what you just said, but you were talking about those events specifically. You didn't do anything wrong, legally or in any other sense. He assaulted you, repeatedly. 14-year-olds can and sometimes do assault people, including sometimes people older than themselves. Your relative ages doesn't make what he did any less assault, and it doesn't make you the slightest part responsible. I cannot speak with authority about the law in US states, but in the UK - the area where I'm most familiar with things - there are laws against what He did to you. It WAS his fault: he was responsible for his own assaultive behaviour.

I know that in our society, there's a general overall assumption that between young people, the person who is older, and/or who is perceived as physically bigger/stronger, and/or who is otherwise assigned some kind of responsible role by older adults, is the one who has more control or more responsibility for specific events. For sure, things like that usually contribute to the overall power distribution in the relationship ("relationship" in the broadest sense). But that is absolutely not the whole story, and people who, on the face of things, appear to have less power, can absolutely be abusive or assaultive. Someone who is abused while being in a position of more supposed power - like you were - typically feels even more guilt and is even more sure it's their fault. It wasn't your fault. It's never our fault if someone assaults us, no matter if they're younger than us, we were supposed to be responsible for them, or anything else.

It was brave of you to tell us this. Thank you for trusting us that much.

It sounds very much like you would benefit from in-person help. I don't think you're "broken"; I think you've been very harmed by people mistreating you - your feelings about that are right. Please be assured that no-one who is adequately educated around abuse would blame you for what you've talked about here. When you feel able to pursue in-person help, I might suggest starting with your local Rape Crisis organisation, as they may very well be able to recommend therapists who are good with interpersonal abuse issues.

I'm not sure if "normal" really exists; however, what you're describing is very common among people who've been abused. It doesn't make you normal/abnormal - just injured, by people who should not have injured you. I do understand the "telling someone from the fourteenth century to google a thing" thing, and I'm so sorry that you were basically taught that your consent and will were non-existent.

We can talk about your relationship with your girlfriend; I've simply left that for now because I don't want to pile too much on you all at once.

This is obviously being very tough on you - talking about abuse for the first time usually is, and more so the more we've believed it was our fault. So, try to take the best care of yourself you can. What things usually help you to feel safe and comforted?

Thank you for understanding the googling thing...that is one of the hardest parts to explain or to even get right in my head, because it is so difficult to actually express the concept that it feels like that is just not an option, that that option simply does not exist and I don't even really know what it is. So it feels good that my awkward little analogy works.

My safe things are when I'm reading, or knitting, and particularly listening to music.

Music is the big one because I can put in earbuds and turn sound up loud and it's like the feeling of being in the front row at the concert and I'm surrounded by speakers and there's no room in my brain for anything. It's like the sound is giving me a hug. It sounds really dumb putting it that way but that's how it feels. My girlfriend got a new iPod and since the old one still works (it loses charge too quickly if you use it for anything but music. she googles and uses the internet on it but I don't so it works fine) she gave it to me. And so now when I am walking to work or riding the bus or falling asleep or anything I can have noise and it just feels so safe, it's like a cocoon.

Reading because that still lets me block out the rest of the world a little but if I get bored or fall out of the story then it's no use.

And knitting isn't great at safe but it's good at comforting because it's just watching a thing grow just by following directions and it looks like the thing it's supposed to look like, and it feels nice to do the thing right. And then I can give the finished thing away and it's really really just perfect to be able to create a thing and then people tell me good job for it and tell me it's great and it's a little confidence thing because I made this thing and they like it and that means they like me.

Girlfriend is trying. She would be horrified if she knew that I hadn't told her to stop things, if she knew she were triggering me-it probably doesn't help that she doesn't know about any of this, she knows about some of my family stuff but not this specific stuff. We've been together a year and a half now and I'm slowly managing to not freak out and hide or run away or start imagining how she will break up with me, in reaction to having said something that made her slightly unhappy. It's taken that long of her patiently going "No, I don't hate you. Of course I don't hate you. I love you. It's okay. I'm not going away." just over and over again.

She got me to go to the psych people at our school, twice, but the second time, the psych person just made it worse because I was going in because I felt like I wanted to not exist and that was scary, and she focused on the fact that I had a paper due that evening and spent the entire time encouraging me to finish the paper. And then I was no longer a student at the school and couldn't use the psych services. And I have like two days that I am always off work, but one of those days I sometimes do modeling for an art class, and I don't necessarily know much in advance, so I want to find a psych person but I manage to talk myself out of it. I don't have time. I don't have money. I'm functional and that means I'm okay. The people who need it are the ones who have real problems. My brain is just dumb sometimes but mostly it's okay. And if I go to a psych person they'll just laugh at me and tell me I'm fine or I'm making it up. Before getting diagnosed with my physical genetic condition, I had several docs do just that. Complete with actually laughing at me.

It's bad enough for healthcare workers to tell a patient that they're fine or making things up when the patient knows something is wrong; for them to laugh at a patient is reprehensible. Having past bad experiences with healthcare professionals can definitely make it much more difficult and loaded to seek out and see a therapist. No therapist who is even borderline acceptable at their job would laugh at you, tell you you're fine or that you're making this up. Would it help you if we - staff/volunteers at Scarleteen - were able to recommend someone or someones to you, or get a recommendation for you from people we know we can rely on? I can't promise you anything, as I don't know who everyone knows, but if it would be helpful to you we can see what we can come up with. If you'd like this, do you want to share your zip code with us so we know where we're looking? You can put it here or you can use http://www.scarleteen.com/contact if you prefer.

In terms of your girlfriend, right now the most important thing is what you need and what you're able to do. In time, it's definitely better - for the both of you - if you can let her know what you do and don't want and what you are and aren't comfortable with, and share with her whatever you want to share about your past experiences. If you can't do that right now, that's alright: a person can't do everything at once, and you're only just grasping some of this yourself. She probably would be upset to hear that she'd unknowingly hurt or triggered you because that's the reaction of a person who cares about us and wants to treat us well; that doesn't make it your fault, because none of us can do a thing that we've been explicitly trained not to do. What do you think would help you to share with her about any of this at the moment?

I was a young girl, and therefore didn't know anything about what could possibly be happening with my own body. I'm still a little bitter if I think about it. That would help, if you could? I know you can't be certain but the possibility would be wonderful. There is a website I can go on to find healthcare people that my insurance covers but I don't know anything about any of them and I think I'm so used to physical health care (where if I visit a doctor, find that we don't fit, and I go to another, and another, that I'm doctor-hopping trying to get pills and will get blacklisted-which is, unfortunately, a thing) that the concept of just, making an appointment and going in seems dangerous and scary. The zip code is 40508-thank you so much.


In regards to girlfriend...I know I need to tell her some of this at least and I want to because she is good, and she is there for me and I know that, if nothing else, if she knew and were encouraging me to go to a brain doc as well, it'd be good to have that in-person reassurance that yes, I should do this, yes I am allowed to do this, etc. But every time I think about it my body has like...convulsive NO response-it's like, flight or fight and my body is tensing for flight and everything goes into "she'll think I'm disgusting, she'll hate me because I didn't tell them to stop, she won't want to be around me any more" and it's terrifying.

I know that this isn't what would happen. I know that she would be fine, that she would be good. She knows about most of my family's issues and the only reason she doesn't know in depth details is because she has parental issues of her own that my going off about my parents being bad would trigger. But...I guess it's just...the kind of horror-shame around this doesn't really do logic. And I hate my brain because I recognize literally everything I am saying. I have been one of the people on some of my other sites doing the "you aren't disgusting and it's not your fault and you are okay and we don't hate you" bit, and it's true, and I know that, and I hate that cognitive dissonance or whatever, I hate that I can know something and still completely disregard it.

I just...don't think telling girlfriend is an option right now. I was less in terror when trying to come out to my mother and girlfriend has always been more supportive of anything than my parents were. But I mean the thing that made me come out to my mother was that there was an LGBT youth conference in the next town and I desperately wanted to go. I didn't end up getting to of course but there was a reason to come out. It seems logical enough that if I have a psych appointment that I might say something before or after, explain why I was gone, have a need to tell her because it is now affecting real life. It seems like something I would do.

...thank you for being here thank you for existing it is...I have been in holding pattern I guess for four years and I am...I'm allowed to do the angry and the grieving and the crying now? Because I seem to be doing that now. because I'm just...I am not supposed to be having to deal with this I am supposed to be one of the lucky ones, I did everything right that everyone would have me do, I am not supposed to feel like this I hate this so much I hate hating myself and it's Not Fair and I hate it.

Hello there, Kawani. I hope you don't mind if I jump in to give you my two cents.

By all means if you don't feel comfortable right now telling your girlfriend about what happend then the soundest thing to do is to just don't do it. You don't ought anyone explanations, not even to those who you love and care about or to those who love and care about you. Right now is about YOU and about what YOU need. Everyone has their own pace when it comes to healing. Some people feel safe enough to talk about it one week after being hurt, some people need four years. Others 15 years. Some never talk. There's just not one right moment to deal with something like this. Chances are if you are doing it now is because it is the right moment for YOU.

There's no better pace than another. The best pace is the pace you need.

I understand the dissonance you are talking about. Is hard to be on the "seeking help" side especially when we are used to be the "helper", or when we have convinced ourselves that we don't need/deserve the help. I read in your previous posts that you think your problems were not real or what happened was not bad enough in comparison to what have happened to other people. What I want to tell you is this: your problems are real not because there's a standar to compare them to but because they are yours. Your pain is real because it is yours. You feel it (and I wish you didn't) and that's enough. There is not "better" or "worse" when it comes to assault. What happened to you is as much important because YOU are important.

Sometimes is easier to understand how everybody deserves to heal but when it comes to us is not easy anymore, right? But you know what? Sometimes is good to be on the "seeking help" side because that way we have the chance to tell you: Yes, you are allowed to do the angry and the grieving and the crying now. As much as you need.

You are right, is not fair that you hate yourself because of this -- or because anything, period. Is not fair that after being hurt you also need to do the recovery work. It sucks, I know. But the good news is: it can get better. It probably will be messy, with lots of up's an down's but it can get better.

I know you are having a very nice convo with Redskies so I will leave space for her to reply.

Hang in there, Kawani! We are rooting for you.

kawani, I'll be shorter than I would want to be just now because I have a headache-migraine thing and amn't good for much right now (just feel bleh but am otherwise fine, no worries ). Just didn't want to completely disappear on you!

You're so very welcome. We'll see if/what we can come up with near your zip code.

The other people on the other sites you mentioned: I reckon that the overwhelming majority, if not all, of them also felt that everyone else was okay and not to blame and that they themself Were not-okay and to blame? And you could see how that didn't hold and that they too were just as okay. That feeling of blaming just ourselves even when we can know so clearly about other people is so very, very common among people who've been abused or assaulted. Even a great deal of education and background in abuse recovery is usually no insulation against those feelings of self-blame; feeling that way just seems to be an effect of abuse, even when we know better. With time and healing, and as and when you're ready, the dissonance between knowledge and feeling will ease off for you.

Thank you for the reply, Edith! I don't have a problem with anyone jumping in to offer their two cents, and I appreciate the reassurance. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm just...asking for permission to feel things? And it's annoying and stupid, but it does help, I think, when someone says that I am allowed to feel that way. And I'm allowed to be doing the crying and the bad feels.

It's no problem, Redskies, you need to take care of yourself! I hope your headache goes away soon, that sounds miserable.

I did actually give a bare-bones version of this on one of my other sites yesterday. And it's kind of a really awesome site-it's not like here, for real help, but a bunch of people have commented with virtual hugs, and good wishes, and it's nice. And I feel really good that I did actually manage to like...tell other people, even if it's just online. I feel almost like I'm leveling up. Start at level zero, find a small community of support, that bumps up to level one. Then find a slightly larger community of support, and it bumps up to level two. Eventually get to a doctor person and go up levels. Level four I can maybe...put things in different/more specific/correct wording than "bad stuff" without breaking down crying because apparently saying specific things and me kind of turns me into a mess and I cannot do that yet. Level like six or so I can talk to people I am closer to in real life.

Hey, little steps lead to bigger changes!

I'm happy to hear you feel okay opening yourself online. And don't think that because is writing instead of telling someone face-to-face is less valuable. Sometimes the fact of just writing something like this can leave us in a messy mood, so kudos for you, Kawani!

Healing is exactly how you described it. There are many levels and it takes time and patience to get to the next one. Every level is important and is good to celebrate ourselves when we pass through one to another even if it seems small. Just keep in mind that sometimes after level 4 the next level will be 3 again, and that's okay.You get to feel however you feel for as long as you need. I know sometimes is annoying but is never, ever stupid.

It's easier to do things when I know that it's a safe place. Like, Scarleteen is where I send teens and young adults, automatically. Just, default, 'hey have you heard of scarleteen dot com? They're really excellent and you should seriously go there.' Because this is one of the places where I know, fully, that nobody will hurt me and if someone did, they'd be called out on it. This is literally a safe place. And my other site, it's just a forum, and one of the boards for posting on is for Blowing Off Steam. And that one is designated as just for people needing to let off steam, people needing to be angry or sad or whatever, and nobody is to yell at them. There are posts every so often much like mine-'there have been bad things in my life and could I get hugs please?' and people will give nice internet hugs and it's a safe place, people trying to hurt me will be called out and in trouble and it's a nice feeling that people want to keep me safe, want to keep that a safe place.

And I definitely understand that writing the things down is...messy. I can do talking about feelings about stuff, but apparently putting stuff in text makes me kind of...not functional. It's a scary thought to talk to a psych person, like, explaining why I'm there, when I can't even say things out loud to myself. I've tried. I mean, I'm more than capable of talking about my family, and that's abuse-I always feel like someone's going to dismiss my family issues, that they aren't that bad, that my family is perfectly fine-and then I remember that my house growing up literally had mice and a layer of filth and trash and literal animal feces 5 inches deep in some places, and I realize that if nothing else, I can be validated about my parents just by describing that. But I can't...I could barely type things in the first post here and I was shaking and nauseous trying to do that, and I'm like going to myself "Oh just write it down, write things down and then you have it there and you can just hand to psych person and not have to talk" and then I remember that putting something In Print makes it Real and I'm like "Oh. Yeah. That. So that's gonna be fun..."

Thank you, for that-that it's okay to go backwards, and that's allowed-I know my brain, and I know that'll end up happening, I'll spend a weekend curled up in bed crying, and it's harder for my head to argue with me and tell me I'm a failure when someone's already said it's okay, and said it before I needed the reassurance, so it's not just someone trying to make me feel better by spouting whatever'll get me to stop freaking out, it has to be true, otherwise they wouldn't've said it then. Don't get me wrong, my head will still argue with me, but it'll be more difficult for the bad part to win out. Like the sappy Facebook messages from my girlfriend-see, she has to like you, she sent all of these. ("but she hates me!") But she sent you all of these and she made a little photo album of you two ("but...she hates me.") Should we get out the adorable birthday card from when you guys started dating, or would you just like to look at the literal engagement ring she got you? ("...she hates me?") Except here it's my brain telling me I'm a failure and then something going "no, they said you aren't. you're allowed."

Just to check: you know you get to have your own pace, and your own unique journey with healing and dealing with this, right?

In other words, if right now, where you are at is just starting to talk about it in the places you strongly know to be safe for you, and need more time doing that before you feel able to talk to someone in person you have not already established trust with, that is okay. You get to do this in the ways that work best for you, and feel therapeutic for you, rather than like something that -- for the time being, or at any time -- challenges you more than you can handle right now, or makes you feel less safe rather than more.

I know that...kinda. In theory.

I'm just...I'm not good at this part. The actual healing part. I end up feeling like, if I'm able to go to a therapist, if I am financially able and I have found a therapist, then for me not to go means that I don't actually want to feel better. I'm letting myself feel this way because I want to, I'm feeling bad or whatever because I want to. If I wanted to heal, if I wanted to feel better, I'd be doing this thing that I'm supposed to.

I know in theory that there's a bunch of grey areas in there, but I'm kind of going zero to sixty, like, "Okay, you've got this figured out, you aren't a bad person and you're allowed to go to a therapist. Step two. You need to find a therapist, get your appointment scheduled within the next couple of weeks. You obviously need some form of therapy and that is the proper next step." And if I'm not going to a therapist, and not because of finances, or because I can't find one, but just because I don't want to for whatever reason, then I'm doing this to myself. I am the one making myself feel bad, because I won't go to someone who can help.

It's like, I have a genetic disorder, weird joint problems, chronic pain, and the thought of ever having a cure scares me a bit, because I don't know if I'd want it. And then if I didn't get cured, then it's genuinely my fault that I'm in pain like this, it's my fault that I hurt and that I'm miserable and whatnot. If I know what the treatment is to help whatever is wrong with me, and I deliberately avoid it, then I'm the one making myself sick. And it must be that I enjoy being sick, that I'm comfortable like this and I don't want to get better. And that's a hard one to fight, for me at least.

Hi Kawani,

I just want to say that the cycle of thoughts your describing is familiar to me. It's like some sort of jerkbrain power move and it sucks. Something I find helpful is to make the fact that I get to set my own pace explicit to myself. Like write it on a piece of paper and stick where I can see it explicit. Something else that might work is to try incremental ways of healing. On the therapy end, that could be "I am going to research therapist in my area" or "I am going to read this article on how to choose a counselor." In other areas, it can be things like "I am going to paint my nails because that makes me happy" or "I am going to clean off my desk for fifteen minutes." Whatever things will help you feel better.

When you do those things, it can also help to focus only on the steps you are doing in that moment. That can help head off a bigger brain-guilt spiral. So, if you're cleaning the desk, it's "now I am picking up this glass. Now I am taking the glass to the sink. Now I am putting these pencils in this drawer" and so on.

I think that pace is a really important point here. I think there's a big, big difference between still being very new to a healing path and not yet feeling able/ready to take certain steps or the next steps on that path, and ending up stuck in the same place for a protracted length of time. You sound very, very much in the former situation. You've taken a number of significant steps very recently - telling us, and saying something on the other board - and those are big steps. Those are the progress you've been making, so it's not at all like you're not wanting to get better.

That's so great that you were able to say something to the people on the other board. I'm really glad they were supportive.

You have some solid reasons in past experience why telling people might feel very, very scary to you. When we're in that kind of space, I think that we have to literally learn that telling people can possibly be okay and that our entire world won't fall in if we do. That's why we start telling in a place that we think is safest, and move to the next safest places. It's okay if you still need more experiences of telling people being okay, or more time to let the okay-ness sink in, before you feel up to some of the telling that's more challenging for you. I also don't think that doing things like that is putting off seeking what you need: I think it's putting essential building blocks in place.

Too, I think that not wanting a cure for a disability/disorder is a pretty different thing to being stuck not seeking some help that we want. So, I wouldn't draw any conclusion or comparison about you maybe feeling that way about your genetic disorder: I don't think it means you'd be less likely to seek help or improvement in your life generally or about this specific issue.

I'm pretty sure I have words for here, but I can't come up with any at the moment-I haven't had time at home without my girlfriend around, where I can just sit down and collect my thoughts.

But I did want to stop here and say thank you to everyone who is being really good and nice and you are helping, and I don't want you to think that I am not replying because of bad brain stuff or whatnot.

It's okay, Kawani. You don't have to worry about that. As I said before, you don't ought anyone explanations, not even to us. If you can't reply because you don't have the time, or the headspace, or just because you don't want to, that's totally fine.

Hope everything gets better for you, Kawani.

I think...I've been working on trying to shut up my brain when it tries to pull the "You should be finding a therapist, you should be doing things, and if you aren't it's because you secretly want to be broken" bit. I'm doing the "This is part of the healing. The taking time to do things is allowed and is part of the healing, this is a step in the thing. This is part of the fixing" and it does help-it doesn't fix all of the bad brain, but it helps a lot to be able to sit there and be like, this is a step. This is just as important as the finding the therapist, this is the step where you wait for your brain to come to terms with you being allowed to do the thing.

I'm working on the irrational worry, too, that any psych person I see will either tell me I'm the bad one, and should be in jail/should be ashamed/they don't want to deal with me, or else will tell me that I'm fine, and I don't need any brain help, and am just making it up or blowing things out of proportion.

Honestly, the latter is at least half me being like, even if I do not need brain help, if I am there, they can bill my insurance. Because it's too easy for me to ignore anything else. Maybe they'll say that my family is fine, they aren't bad, that's just a normal thing. Maybe everyone else kind of has a little hating-themselves meltdown a few times a week. And they'll tell me that I don't need to be there and to go away. But they wouldn't do that because they are human and I have good insurance, and they will want money. So they would let me stay if nothing else because another client means money. I did this when I was worrying about my new job as a page, even though I could see that I was doing a better job, overall, than the others (there's a sheet of paper tacked up, and each day, each page has to note how many carts they shelve, and how much work they do...I can see clearly that I'm doing better than they are, objectively, but I was still petrified that they would let me go). So the only thing that reassured me was that I do, literally, know what I'm doing. I've worked in libraries in some context for about seven years. And if they got rid of me it would take time to hire someone new and train them. Unless I'm literally the most unprofessional person in existence, they won't go through that hassle.

The first, the worry that a psych person will tell me that I am the bad one in this situation...you guys really help/helped/are helping with that. Because the main thing I was terrified about, posting here, is the forum rules, the "if you have abused or assaulted someone, we aren't going to discuss it with you". Because if I am bad, then someone will come here and yell at me for posting, and I will hurt people and make people feel uncomfortable. And you guys, I'm reasonably sure that at least some of you do education-y things in real life, and you probably have some training to be a mod/staff person here. And nobody yelled at me or told me I was the bad person. There are people who are, on the whole, fairly educated about these things, and nobody said that I am the bad one. That means that I am not bad.


-No, it's okay! I wasn't worried about explaining. I just, when there've been people who cared about me in the past, online-people who read a post I made, or a very kind author I emailed one day because one of their books meant a lot to me-and I disappear, they've gotten worried and wanted to make sure I'm okay. It's a nice thing and a reassuring thing, it's that people care about me and remember that I exist, and I matter. The first email I sent to that author, I had written a little choppily and when they emailed back they were concerned that I might be in an environment where it wasn't safe to be gay, and that someone may have come upon me sending the email and forced me to type more quickly, or that I may have had to send it abruptly, and gotten in trouble for sending it. When I haven't replied to a post like this, something bad, I've had people message me or whatnot to make sure that I'm okay, that the bad stuff isn't hitting too hard, that I know they'll talk to me if I want.

So it's not me worried about owing an explanation-I just wanted to make sure that nobody worried. I do realize, in the context of this board gets plenty of posts, and many of those probably get abandoned for ages. And there's enough people to help that you don't actually really worry about anyone vanishing for a few days, unless maybe they had something really concerning in their last post. So it's a silly thing for me to do. But I'm just kind of used to going "don't worry about me, I'm okay" and it's a reassuring thing for me, because it feels kind of like telling myself "If I didn't do that, they would totally see this post and worry that I'm not feeling well or I'm in a bad headspace or something. I am absolutely important, they would worry so much if I didn't come here to make sure they know I'm okay!" It feels almost like a little kid thing to do, though I can't explain why, but it just a habit I've picked up.

You know, everyone has things that make them feel better. For sure we have a lot of people we help every day. That doesn't mean though that we don't wonder about people we talk to that we know are still making steps at working on things. So know it's absolutely okay to do an "I'm still around working/doing ok/working at doing ok/not okay but working on things" whatever that may be.

If it helps to know, plenty of people come here worried they will be told they were the bad one. I myself came here originally and posted something years ago and couldn't check for a reply right away because I was so horribly terrified for someone to tell me how everything was all my fault. And it is so hard to make that first step not knowing how people will react and worried they may confirm your own worst fears. But that's not what we are here to do.

Too? Counselors and other like them do get paid to work with you, but you don't go into such a taxing field because you want the money you go into then because you want to help make a difference in peoples lives. And everyone is different, so what is too much for one person may not be for another- and they go in knowing that. So for sure you may look at someone else and see their problems as worse than yours, but the truth is, you can't really compare them because the problems aren't the same and neither are the people involved.

Just remember you come to work through things in your own way and time. And whatever you do to help work through thins in your life has to be based in what is good for you in healing at any time. Don't let the battles in your mind control getting help. Take care!

First of all I would like to say that there's a big difference between healing and fixing. People who have been sexually assaulted are not broken, they are hurt. They do not need anyone to fix them, they need help to heal. Sometimes, little things like the wording can make a huge difference in our hearts and brains. So just saying…

I don't think anyone wants to "secretly stay broken/hurt". I do think that sometimes is really hard to ask for help or to change what we know that some how is easier to stay where we are, but not because we want to stay "broken/hurt". The unkown is scary and even if our situation is a bad one at least we already know it. We know the pain and we've learnt to deal with it. If we change who knows what kind of pain we are going to find. It could be even bigger -- or not. I know it because I've felt that way more than once in my life. So I totally hear you, Kawani.

But I want to echo something that has been said more than once in this thread: PACE IS IMPORTANT. Chances are people who stays in pain, or who apparently can't move on is because they are just not ready, and that's okay. Really.

And we do worry about our users, no matter if we have 2000 or just 2. So again, you are special, Kawani. And you deserve to heal. You did not do anything bad. You are worth helping to heal. We believe you. It was not your fault. And anytime you need to hear it, you can come here and we are not going to get tired of repeating these things to you. Not because this is our job but because we truly believe those statements and we truly believe in you.

Hi...I know I haven't been here in forever, but I thought I'd come by, and update.

In early or mid March I called and got an appointment with a psych person...my job offers 6 free therapy sessions through a specific group as an employee benefit, and while I probably couldn't afford it if I were paying...but so I've had two sessions so far. That was good.

I got validation about my family being bad...that feels like one of the most important things, is being able to say that my family behaved like this, and having someone go "that's not right and not okay"...like, that is such a big deal to me. And it's really, really good to hear that I am allowed to feel like these are bad things.

Over Lent, I decided to give up Facebook. This was essentially a mental health thing-the only means of contacting me that my family has is Facebook, or Neopets, and they don't get on the latter very much any more. My cell phone has no air time on it. Lent doesn't cover Sundays, so I checked on Sundays, made sure all was well, and then logged off. It was truly incredible to not have the horrible knot of fear and anxiety as soon as I went online, that I would eventually be on Facebook, and they would catch me and talk to me. And one week my father and I were having a conversation and I was feeling really good, like, he's treating me as an adult and like, it was really great...and then I politely said I didn't want to call my mother, because I don't like phone calls, and he went right back to ordering me to do it...and I just, logged off. And closed out the internet, and worked on my knitting, and listened to music for a while, and didn't go on Facebook for the next week. And I felt really good about doing that, like, taking a step to help me.


And at my last psych appointment, second psych appointment, while trying to explain something I managed to tell the psych person about the incident that this thread was created about. And I didn't get yelled at, or in trouble. And hopefully we're working on how to help me figure out how to set boundaries, because I'm allowed to do that. But I just wanted to say that I actually have found a psych person, and am doing things for my mental health.

I don't think we've talked before, but I just want to let you know that this is wonderful to read. It makes me very happy that you managed to do these amazingly great things for yourself. You did something terriffic, and I hope you're proud of that, because you deserve to!