One-sided enjoyment

[Pippin15]

I've been together with my boyfriend for more than 3 years now, but during sex, he can't relax and focus on himself. All his attention is on me. At the begging of our relationship, he couldn't ejaculate from anything else than masturbation. It took us a good half year to overcome this problem than for a little time, everything seemed okay.

Now when we have sex, he always make sure that I reach orgasm, but after that, he often tells me to stop, because he doesn't feel like it. He almost never initiates, not even when he is clearly aroused. He told me that he thinks that he never really learned to enjoy sex and I think he only does it, because he wants me to feel good. Also, I'm 100% sure that he doesn't have any medical problems and that he is not asexual.

I'm desperate for advice. Is there any way to make him relax and focus on his own enjoyment too? And if not, how can I cope with this? I reached the point where I don't want to have penetrative sex anymore, because it's too one-sided and I feel really selfish. I feel guilty, he feels guilty and this is slowly killing our relationship.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, Pippin. I'm sorry you have been feeling this way and struggling so much with this.

I think the first thing we have to figure out -- and really, your partner needs to figure out -- is whether or not the way things are for him are about how his sexuality just is, or if there's something the matter.

Some people's sexuality with partners *is* that they simply only really enjoy "giving" their partners pleasure: doing things that are more about their partners bodies than theirs (though it's not like fingers or mouths are somehow "lesser" body parts than genitals, especially since they, too, have a ton of sensory nerve endings, but we can talk more about that later if you want). Really focusing on what their partners like, and on ways of being sexual that feel about service, for lack of a better general word, for their partner. People with these kinds of sexualities basically get off, mentally, emotionally and/or physically by the feelings they get when they feel they are getting someone else off. For people with sexualities like those, though, they don't feel obligated or bad about that dynamic: they enjoy it.

I can't tell if that's a way he is or not. Sometimes people like that don't feel allowed to be that way, or feel like something is wrong with them because it doesn't follow a cultural script (especially when we're talking men's and heterosexual cultural sexual narratives).

On the other hand, it might be that that isn't what he wants, and that he feels bad because he doesn't really want to be engaging in sex and feels obligated to be sexual with you (or anyone else) to have an intimate relationship.

There are other possibilities as well, like him having an entirely different kind of sexuality that would make him feel more excited and connected, whether that's about stuff most people call kink, or a sexual orientation issue (asexuality is an obvious possibility here, but so might be others).

Can I ask you if, in talking about this, you have ever asked him what he would ideally want in a sexual relationship, with you or anyone else? Like, what would his sexual utopia look like? What kinds of sex, if any, would he 100% choose to be part of and want to pursue?

[Pippin15]

Thank you for your answer!

I have asked him before what are his sexual fantasies, what he would like to try, but he said that there is nothing. We are very open to each other so I don't think he is hiding something or fears that I would judge him. He doesn't have any fantasies or anything he would like to try out.

During foreplay, he always ask what I would like to do next and doesn't initiate. If I ask what he would like to do, he says that it's up to me and I should decide. Even when I pushed him to "choose" something, he refused and wanted me to make a decision. There are no new sex poses he would like to try out, no toys or anything. During sex, he likes to see my face, to watch and to listen to my reactions.

A little about his sexual history: Before me, he had two relationships. One in highschool that lasted 1,5 years and they had sex one or two times maximum. The second one was a very short relationship and he had problems getting and keeping up an erection. I know he was really insecure about his size and performance at the beginning. He initiated petting and oral sex a lot, but I was the one who wanted penetrative sex too after almost year together. (He is a few years older than me and that time I thought he was more experienced) He likes to cuddle a lot, kissing me all over my body and he gets an erection every time we hug or even if we are just laying next to each other. He once said that sex is not that important him in a relationship.

He is heterosexual, I'm sure. Earlier I was thinking that he might be asexual, but now I'm sure he isn't.

The thing you said about people who only really enjoy giving pleasure to their partner made sense. He actually told me that he is getting his enjoyment from pleasuring me. But he also told me that he can't relax and focus on himself because of that, he knows that sex should feel better for him than it does. He asks me a lot, whether I am happy with him. He is worried that he won't make me happy in the future and I think that puts a lot of pressure on him too.

I don't want to "use him". I want sex to be a shared pleasure and not something that is only about me.

[Heather]

It doesn't sound to me like you're using him.

However, it does sound to me like you want a sexual partner who...well, probably just isn't this person. You want someone who wants to do things it just doesn't sound like this person does. You want someone who has a similar desire for sex as you do and will initiate like you do, and this doesn't sound like that person. You want someone who enjoys intercourse in a similar way as you do, and that doesn't sound like this person. You want someone where you can make sex about their body as much as yours -- or their genitals, anyway -- and this doesn't sound like the person who either wants that or is going to be that person with you (maybe not with anyone else either, who knows).

I would certainly be willing to talk with him about all or any of this, as the stuff that's really about him isn't really something you and I without him are going to be able to really do much with. Only he can, for instance, talk with authority and decide if he's asexual. You can't do that for or without him. Only he can also talk about what he really wants, and what, if anything, he might want to do about or with any of this right now. What I can't do is tell you how to make him want things he doesn't or be ways sexually he isn't: not only is that disrespectful of who he is and that -- and I know you know this, obviously -- his sexuality can't become what you want it to be like because you want it to be different so it can match what you want. On top of that, no one can change what someone wants or doesn't sexually anyway.

But I think that what might be most useful to you, and what we certainly can do, is to talk about you and what YOU want.

Have you thought about the possibility that this relationship just might not be a good one for you as a sexual relationship, and might work better as something platonic? Have you thought at all about the possibility of seeking out a different sexual partner that does feel like a better fit for you?

[Pippin15]

I'm really thankful for your help. Just talking about it already makes me feel better. Of course, I've talked about it with him several times, but I only made him sad which made me even sadder and more desperate. All the things I said about him, for example him not being asexual, comes from him and the things he told me.

I don't want to have sex with anybody else, but him. He is the only one I've ever been with and I think about sex as a way of showing and experiencing love together. So even the thought of ever having a different sexual partner is really weird for me. I actually don't remember ever being sexually attracted to anybody else than him.

As I want to spend my whole life with him, is there anything that can help me cope with this? I think I'm ready to sacrifice my sexual life for our relationship, but thinking of this still makes me extremely sad. How will it go? For example, will we just start having sex again when it's time for having children? Also, we are constantly together and I get aroused a lot around him... Should I stop taking birth control? Could that (not taking it) lower my sex drive? But we would probably still have sex once a month or so and the condom was bothering both of us... There are all these and many more thoughts circling around in my head. I always have a plan for everything, but I just can't figure out one for this situation.

[Heather]

I'm really sorry this is so difficult for you.

I'm just going to riff a little bit about your last post here. I am always very regretful with hard conversations like this that we lack the ability to at least make eye contact, or give a user a hug. I know being in this kind of spot is very scary, and I'm sorry that my best has to be without those kinds of basics.

Even though I feel like it's awfully early in your life and very early in your relationship history to be thinking about a single lifelong partner (especially to also be thinking about giving up a big piece of your life you want and have barely explored from the front!), you're obviously thinking about it, so I'll say this:

A long-term intimate relationship without sex in it can absolutely be satisfying...if that's what everyone in it actually wants AND if everyone in it who wants to have sex be part of their life are able to get those wants and needs met elsewhere. On the other hand, when people try and stay in relationships as sexual relationships that aren't working, where sex just stops, or where one or both people feel unhappy in ways that really can't be remedied, that doesn't tend to go well or make people happy. That tends to make people miserable. You both sound pretty miserable about this aspect of things already, and it's been three years. Take a minute -- I know it sucks, I do -- and think about how this might feel at double that. Or ten years. Or twenty.

I get that you still feel very attracted to this person, you love them, and that, from the sounds of things, you haven't yet felt a strong desire to be sexual with anyone but him. And I get, clearly, that you really, really want things to be different; you want him to be different. But I feel certain that in your life you will be attracted to more than just this person, have a desire to be sexual with more than just this person and have opportunities for sexual relationships that are actually a good fit for both you and the other people involved. This sounds like a bad deal -- again, AS that kind of relationship -- for your both, however disappointing I am sure that is. I get the idea of someone else but him may feel weird right now, too.

I also hope you know you can spend a lifetime -- or a long time, anyway, so few relationships are lifelong for anyone -- with someone, a lifetime that is very intimate, without having to be in a sexual relationship. For so many of us, our longest relationships usually wind up not being sexual relationships, or once were sexual relationships, but become platonic over time.

There are also way more ways than just sex to show love (and sex actually often isn't the best of them anyway) to someone else, especially when the sex people are having is emotionally painful as well as unsatisfying, as it sounds like it has been for both of you. I'd wager, in fact, that the relationship you two have might well get a lot stronger, more stable, healthier and be likely to last longer if you take this aspect out of it. Is that something you two have ever talked about?

I do think it is not a great idea for you to be the person to talk to him about his sexuality right now. It's very clear to me you want things he can't give you, so it has to be even more clear to him, and I imagine it is very painful for him. I am sure he wants to do and be what you want very badly, and that at this point it is probably very difficult for him to even sort out what he wants separate from you, and that's not good. You also have big bias here, so you're just not going to be a good person for him to talk more with about this.

I have an idea: what if you two agree to take a break from anything sexual for a while, let's say, a month. Just one month. You can cuddle if you both want that, since that sounds like something you both enjoy, but what if you just try on a very close, intimate friendship to see how that feels for both of you? It sounds like you haven't done that yet, and it also sounds like at this point, trying to be sexual together is probably not a good idea since it's so full of conflict and unhappiness, and I also bet that at this point, he feels obligated to be sexual with you, and that's very unhealthy for both of you and your relationship.

What do you think?

[Pippin15]

We will try that. I don't know why I haven't thought about this. I immediately thought that it has to be a lifetime decision and trying it out for a month or two first haven't even crossed my mind.

Thank you for everything!

[Heather]

Of course: I'm glad to have been of help. Please feel free to pop back here if you need throughout any of this for support or somewhere to bounce thoughts off of, what have you. You'll be in my thoughts, and I'm hoping for all good things for you.