Scarleteen

So I've identified as asexual for a few years now. Almost as long as I've ID'd as a lesbian. I haven't dated much, never had sex, and have never been in a relationship. I've also never kissed anyone (aside from a boy when I was in high school but he doesn't count due to his gender and the fact that I was peer-pressured by society).

My problem is this: When talking to crushes/prospective dates/strangers on dating sites... I'm not sure if mentioning that I'm probably asexual is something that I want to do, because I'm not 100% sure of it and I don't want to limit myself. I want to figure out what I like and don't like. I do think I am most likely asexual though (and like, if we're putting in on the spectrum, maybe 9 on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the most asexual). But I haven't gone on many dates or even kissed anyone, so it's really anyone's guess how I'll feel once I'm kissing someone that I'm attracted to!

If I don't mention it, it gives me a lot of anxiety when I'm on a date with a person... like I'm deceiving them. And I dread the conversation about sex or desires that will eventually happen.

If I do mention it... well I haven't gotten any dates with this route due to "asexual lesbian" being very niche.

I want to be honest about where I am at and how I feel, but I don't know what to say or how to act. I'm also ashamed and embarrassed that I haven't dated much or kissed anyone or had sex, so there's all that on top of it. And I feel like if I tell someone that I'm not sure if I'm asexual or not...they'll feel like they'd be wasting their time going on a date with me.

I want to date but I don't know what to say!

Hi localhost,

Welcome! It sounds like you've got a couple of topics in here, so I'll give you a couple of thoughts and see where we go from there, ok?

Firstly, I'd say that what you choose to tell people, and when, is ultimately down to you. To have those conversations though, maybe it's a good idea to think about what your boundaries are? For example, it sounds like you're pretty clear on not being interested in sex, but you would like a romantic relationship. What about things like cuddling, kissing, holding hands? Knowing our yeses and nos can help us find relationships where our wants and needs are compatible, whatever our identity. Some asexual people mostly date other asexual people, and others date folks from the sexual community. What's important is being on the same page with what is and isn't on the table in the relationship.

For having those conversations: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
For thinking about what you want: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist (if the answer is 'no' to all, that's fine too!)

If you want to read more about asexuality, I'd also recommend these advice columns: Am I asexual? and Do I need to come out as asexual?