Scarleteen

my boyfriend and I have been together for a really long time (3 years). And I love him a lot. He loves me too. We talk about our future a lot and we are both graduating soon so in a matter of time these plans we have will be set into motion. Only one problem. I’m in love with one of my friends. And he has a girlfriend. Him and I (let’s call him H) have been friends since middle school. But about a year ago I started developing a small crush on him. At first it wasn’t even a big deal. I didn’t think I’d feel the way I do now. Now I have full on feelings, and it’s driving me crazy. My boyfriend and his girlfriend have suspected that we like each other. I always say I don’t, I’ve never told a soul, not even my 4 best friends. And I don’t think he likes me back. Even though he used to tell me I was pretty a lot and he and I were close. That doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I’m torn between what to do. Do I break up with my boyfriend just so I don’t have to feel so guilty about it? Or do I just keep pretending? Because the guilt is eating me alive and if I break up with him I can at least not feel so awful about it. But I know I’ll regret it if I do. Help....???

Hey Lolgal,

I want to start off by saying that for someone your age a three-year-long romantic relationship is super long! As Heather explained in another board post, "For the youngest teens, romantic/sexual relationships tend to last no more than a few weeks on average. For teens in the middle, it gets more like a few months to six months. Only once people enter their late teens or twenties do we start to see it being more common for people to be in romantic and/or sexual relationships that are more committed and last longer. The fantasy of long-term sexual relationships looms large with younger people, but the reality for most is that those interactions or relationships are very short-term." In short, given that you started dating when you were 13, and are now 16, it would make a ton of sense if you two weren't the right fit for each other anymore, or had lost interest, or had grown in different directions.

This leads me to ask, your crush on this other friend aside, how are you feeling about your relationship with your boyfriend? In some past posts you have expressed frustration with the relationship, specifically about the time/care/thought that your boyfriend is either able to or is choosing to put in to the relationship. How are you feeling about all that now?

Also, a reminder that developing feelings for someone does not make you a bad person! Even when people are in monogamous committed relationships, it is very normal to feel attracted to others. Given that you "have full on feelings and it's driving you crazy" for this other friend, it does seem to be time to re-assess your relationship with your boyfriend, but please do be gentle with yourself as you navigate the guilt that's coming up.