Rethinking Past relationship

[Ramblinggirl86]

I think I need another perspective a lot and if I’m out of my place please tell me so despite how long this post is. I recently broke up with my bf and was getting paranoid that he didn’t tell people the truth about it as he’s sorta done that about other stuff in our relationship (ie. Told people he didn’t know why we were on a break even though I explicitly told him it was because of my abortion(is another story within itself if you need to hear that) (I think he should’ve said it was due to personal reasons and I don’t think he understood the reason as he said something along the lines of if I loved him I’d be able to push past it instead of waiting three months to take a break, he also told people I was going to break up with him because he missed my dance show which was not fully true there were other factors) so I asked a mutual friend of ours what did he say and it wasn’t bad, but it was something else my friend said that my ex had said. Which was that in our relationship he had been really sexually frustrated but respected me not to ask for sex. Which I feel like isn’t true? Like 80% or so of the time I didn’t want to have sex with him and we still did. (Ie. He would ask or start going for that and I’d either say no or I’d shrug and look a way, and this would always be repeated like 3 more times of him asking until eventually I’d say yes/ok or shrug again and then we’d have sex. And I know I should’ve been more vocal it’s just something I struggle with).This annoyed me because I don’t think he respected me. One the sex was always about him, I never felt like it was a partnership( 5x out of our 1 year relationship did he try to offer me anything) He knows that sex is hard for me as well, since he knew before our relationship and I explained during, that I think my past childhood abuse really affected me in that aspect and it was weird for me to be like that with someone else. Also the fact that I asked him to wear condoms or get one and he’d say it’s fine(I wasn’t on birth control plus he’d gotten 2 other girls pregnant in the past as well). Even after I explained my fears of pregnancy and such he just asked me to go on birth control (which is expensive) and when I said no he said okay and that he’ll wear one but on multiple occasions he wouldn’t and I’d be too scared to ask again. I became more adamant about it later on until slowly he almost always wore them. He’s also seen my reactions after sex, such as sometimes I’d cry and once I had a panic attack. Also if he was ever on something (alcohol and once an edible), he would be sort of aggressive with me about sex? Not too much so but just in a way that was like okay so sex. There’s other non sexual stuff in our relationship that happened as well that make me question stuff as well, Like was this an abusive relationship like one of my friends said. It’s hard for me to see with a clear mind as I know there were stuff in the relationship that I know weren’t perfect as well (I was hot and cold with him, little things would annoy me, I wasn’t very vocally expressive with my feelings, I have a pretty busy schedule over the school year so I wouldn’t see him much, and also because of that I wouldn’t want to stay the night with him (I’m not a big cuddler and need my own space to sleep which he’s the total opposite, also was frustrated with him after he got me an xmas present when I asked not to do that this year because gifts make me uncomfortable when I should’ve just been like thanks). Overall this is my first relationship and I think that also makes it hard for me to judge, I also don’t know if I should explain nonsexual occurrences to get a more clear answer or if I should stop being friends with him

[Jacob]

Hi Ramblinggirl!

Welcome to Scarleteen!

I would agree with your friends that this sounds like it was an abusive relationship. You may not have control over how he talks about it with other people, but it makes sense given his behaviour within the relationship that he would manipulate the truth to make himself look better.

I'm so sorry that he treated you the way he did, all the ways that must have made you feel at the time, and the ways it makes you feel bad about yourself now. A lot of what you have written here expresses your doubt, that this could have been fair because you "weren't perfect" either, but I want to disagree with that.

Not only is this not about being perfect. It's more about a baseline level of caring... and being not-harmful, which is something you already have covered. The things you list are honestly not even mild imperfections, they're just preferences and realities that many people share.

Just as a recap:
Is there anything wrong with not wanting sex? - Nope.
Is there anything wrong with ceasing to express yourself to a partner who ignores your wishes anyway? - Nope.
Is there anything wrong with being busy with school? Nope.
What about getting annoyed at him? Definitely Nope! It sounds like you had every reason to be annoyed, upset and angry!
Not wanting gifts? Nope, that's fine too, we all have preferences!

It sounds like you are starting a period of recovery and making sense of that relationship, so I'd really encourage you to try not to put any blame on yourself... and as you heal you will be so much better off.

Self-Care a La Carte

Total Side-note: I have to admit it was a little difficult to follow your story, but I got there in the end. It might just be my eyeballs strugggling, but paragraphs would be really helpful!

[Jacob]

I'd also add, because I didn't get to mention it directly above, that him pressuring you to have sex without condoms when you explicitly asked for them to be used is not cool... You were asking for the right to make choices around your own body and reproduction and he's demanding the right to ignore that. Those two things are not equivalent, and it's another example of him having been abusive.

[Ramblinggirl86]

Hahaha yeah I’m really bad at writing hence the ramblinggirl86 name, I’ll try to fix it. Thank you though for your thoughtful answer it was really helpful and I appreciate it. Thanks you!

[Jacob]

I did notice the username matched the writing style! Not to worry though.

I'm glad it was helpful too, and that this person seems to be having less of an impact on your life.